Still Can't Shake This

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Still Can't Shake This
6
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:50pm
I am on my way for my holiday, we are staying at my brothers.

I just can't shake this rough spell. I just feel so alone, I want to sit here and cry.

What the heck is wrong with me? I mean, I broke up with Jodi for crying out loud. I can see if maybe he broke up with me.

I went to see Bettie the other day, and she thinks that part of it is that I miss his family so much. Because when I met his family, that was the first time I ever felt love and acceptance. God, how do I go on? I just feel so down all the time right now.

I try to think of what it would be like if we were together. He would still be going out and leaving me at home. He would still be trying to hide his drug use from me, which is probably why he never wanted me to go out with him. Or maybe he just didn't love me, who knows?

I just haven't felt this pain before. I just want to give up. I just can't seem to get anyone to love me. I just want a guy who will love me for me, treat me like a princess, say nice things, take care of me, etc.

I'm not even excited for my holiday. Because all I can think of is him going out and getting on with his life, and I'll be spending my friggin holiday with my dad and his girlfriend. What kind of loser am I? It's a Friday night, Jodi will be out and I am not - once again.

I feel like he has just forgotten me, and that hurts because I just feel like it's my childhood all over again and once again I am not good enough. I mean, my own family didn't even want me around, why would anyone else, right?

I guess I feel that since I broke up with him, he should be the one all sad and depressed. But no, he has moved on with his new druggie girlfriend and left me with all these scars.

And the stupid thing?? If he ever cleaned up his act, and could somehow prove to me all the things I need proved, I would be with him again in a second. I know, it's dumb. But I really do think alot of our problems stemmed from the drug use. Maybe I am grasping at straws.

We used to break up and get back together so many times, I just keep thinking that one day he will call me up and I will feel that happiness inside that someone wants me. God, how pathetic can one person get?

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:53am
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Pamela}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Honey please dont take it the wrong way but maybe Jodi moved on with his life because he was able to put closuer on it and move on...you need to do the same

I agree with your therapist maybe you are feeling this way because you do miss his family and not Jodi maybe this has nothing to do with Jodi but with his mom and brother and whomever else you were close to in his family and you know what that is okay..you didnt get that closeness with your family but you didi ger it from his it is normal to miss that whole family thing...

Just remind yourself that YOU broke up with him..you broke up with im because he treated you so badly and you got fed up with his crap do you really want all that back? I do not think so he was not nice to you and you deserve someone who will be nice to you not some jerk who uses drugs leaves you behind and is just nasty to you...

And Pamela you will find someone who will be so great to you say nice things to you and treat you like a princess it just takes time when you least expect it that man will come along and sweep you right off your feet and then you will be like "Jodi who?" trust me it will happen...

you are a great person you are beautiful you are kind and loving...

All my love

Erin

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 5:18pm
Dear Pamela~

It is not pathetic to want someone to love you...we all want that! Your therapist sounds right on the ball--you finally found that love and acceptance that you so craved, and it was taken away from you. That's hard for anyone to take. But you know, you can give yourself credit for breaking up with Jodi b/c he wasn't good for you. You respected yourself enough to take that step, even though it must have been very hard. Pamela, I hardly dated at all until I met my husband when I was 23 in university. Part of it was my inability to let myself get close to people, but I also didn't see the point of having a date on Friday night just for the sake of saying I'm not alone. Sometimes, it's just better to be alone than with someone who's not right for you. Can you find something to do to treat yourself tonight? Maybe rent a fun movie, buy a magazine or a book...something just for *you*.

And how does going on vacation with your dad make you a loser? If you don't want to go, don't! Let go of the guilt! But if you want to go, then enjoy it! Who cares what anyone else thinks? You may have a good time and get closer to him.

Take care, Pam. You will find someone; the lucky guy just isn't in the picture yet.

~Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 7:02pm

Honey, I bet you'll enjoy your vacation once you are there.

AcornLeaves
Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 8:26am
Pamela, sure sounds to me like you are simply a sensitve & caring human, feeling very normal things. I am going through your post point to point:


1) Of course, you miss his family. Especially if they were good to you.

2) I don't know if he loved you. BUt that actually doesn't matter if he was involved in drugs and destructive behavior. If you were still with him NOTHING would be different. Please don't glamourize what was there before. KNOW THAT NOTHING WOULD CHANGE!!! (Pamela, I have been in an abusive relationship and nothing changes.)

3) Be wary of your dream relationship. Being treated like a princess is not an ideal. Sharing and communication should be your goal in mind. No real relationships are one sided: well that is not true. Women usually hold relationships together.lol

4) Do you think I am a loser? No? Yes? I spend many holidays with family. Nothing wrong with that. I personally feel that that should be the norm. But that is what I do. lol

5) As for him moving on. Men never heal themselves. They put band-aids on their sores. They don't clean them. They fester and rot and then they wonder why they are not having ANY good relatiohships. Women put on healing creams after cleaning a wound and then tend to it and nurture the sore back to health. Men use bandaids: women heal.

(that is a pure "Lisa-ism" what do you think?)

6) Men are like faucets. ON/OFF and HOT/COLD

It is simply how they work, sucks doesn't it? Especially with drug use invovled, he is looking for an enabler. Even if the drug use stopped, he would expect you to enable with something else. Trust me on that one.

7) You are not pathetic. You are searching to heal. You are striving to find a way through. Right now this hurts. I am so sorry for that. I can only hope that you understand that I have felt that pain. That is why I am so blunt above.

If you have AIM, email me your screen name and we can talk online sometime. I can't believe that I don't have it yet, as long as we have known eachother!

I am sorry, maybe I am a bad friend. Forgive me, but let me help, please, please, please!

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 8:30am
I forgot to mention the board that brought me to ivillage: Mending Broken Hearts.

It is a board about getting over relationships. Go visit there. It helped me a great deal!!!

Hugs,

Lisa-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:13pm
Thanks Erin.

Pamela

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