what is my problem??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
what is my problem??
5
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 10:18am
Good Saturday morning ladies....

Well it is so awesome out today and I am at work YUK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but it is overtime and I could really use the money before I go away..

I posted the confused Icon because I am confused and I do have a problem I recognize what that problem is but dont know where to begin...

As you all know I met someone his name is paul and I know that it really doesnt matter but I am an aquarious and he is a cancer..by nature I am a free spirit and do not like to spend ALOT of time with one person I like crowds and get anxious in small groups I have a huge problem with committment and I run literally from it like the plague..it is very hard for me to settle down and be with one person and the thought of marriage scares me to death dont like to think about it..now paul being a cancer he like committment he likes to spend time with one person and he wants to settle down totally opposite from me...

So I am out with my friend Sareen last night and we are talking about this and I told her how paul calls me almost everyday wants to spend time with me ect....now you say what is the problem then...well all that I have written is my problem and I discussed it with marnie in therapy last week...

It boils down to this I figured out that I was so attracted to Jon and Jason because they were a challenge I knew that I could not have them at least in my sub conscience I knew I could not have them and that is what made me want them more and marnie said that she thinks that if Jon and Jason showered me with affection that I most likley would not want them anymore and I think that she is right...

Now with Paul he is very affectionate hugs kisses stuff like that..and well It puts me off to have someone show me such interest to like me as is I guess it scares me a little no wait ALOT..so I have noticed myself pushing him away I have known him for two weeks and I am pushing him away..what is my problem I have longed for someone to want me for me as is not wanting to change me and I think I found it but I push it away..what am I so afraid of?????

I know I need to talk to marnie about this next week and I afraid to be hurt last relationship I was in was with my sons dad he told me that I could trust him that he would not leave me and he did just like my dad I do not ever want to feel that way again..I have my walls up and I am afraid to let them down...

I guess I wasnt as happy as I wanted to be or thought I was

What if paul is the one and I mess this up do you all think I should talk with him kinda explain that I enjoy space and tell him that committment scares me..also I have not yet told him about Jakob since my son is so special to me I want to make sure the person I tell is worth knowing thaat part of my life since my son is my sunshine my breath my very reason for living I want to make sure that this person is willing to accept that part of me and is willing to get to meet Jako in time...I just dont know if I should tell Paul tonight when I see him or wait he is coming to my house so he will see pictures I dont know..

I hate this I am such a freak...

Thanks for letting me vent.

All my love

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:22pm
Girl, you're not a freak. Trust me. So many people have the same reactions that you do to liking a challenge instead of just being loved. Both men and women go through that.

There's a great book about it. It's called: Women Who Love Too Much. It discusses how when we feel rejection from our parents we learn to confuse longing for validation with love. Longing has become love. That's why so many people want what they can't have, then don't want it once they have it.

It is really great that you acknowledge that this is your issue. It doesn't have anything to do with Paul.

It's important for you to look this reaction in the face if you want to actually have love and partnership in your life. You have been so used to being alone and lonely. You don't know how to let yourself be loved. It takes practicec. It takes challenging your feelings of judgment towards Paul when they arise. It takes staying in the situation and breathing through it.

Erin, you have carried a feeling of unworthiness with you for so long. It's like that old Grouch Marx saying, "I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member." Wanting to pull away from Paul's affection comes from not feeling lovable and worthy. It is then hard to respect someone who sees something good in us. They must not have very high standards or good taste to like us, right?

You are smart and admirable to see that this is your issue. Please don't take it out on Paul. Don't let yourself push him away and pick fights with him.

You may even want to tell him that you need time to adjust to him being so affectionate, since you've spent so much time alone and have learned to put up walls to protect yourself. He can surely respect your honesty. It will make him less confused and give you the room you need to work on this.

Don't be hard on yourself, Sweetie. You really have come incredibly far this year. Relationships take us to a whole new level of growth because they bring up all of the issue that we get to avoid by being alone. You are dealing with a much deeper set of issues here.

I admire your self-awareness and ability to take responsibility for this as your issue, rather than Paul's problem. That puts you ahead of so many people who have this same issue.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:32pm

Erin, remember you are 29 years old.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:57pm
Maria,Barb

Thank you both for your replies..I am so lucky to have all you ladies...

I do think that it has something to do with the fact that I have been alone for many many years with no committment and the times I fdid get attention it was for all the wrong reasons that and the fact that I always think that I am going to be left again baggage from my dad "men always leave" or at least that is what he showed me.

And I do think that when you are so conditioned to think one thing about yourself and then have someone prove you wrong by showing and active interest in you it kinda hits you like bricks you know almost like wait a minute here something isnt right this person wants me for me with no motive but to just be with me and that freaks me out..

It is just very hard for me I have always been a free spirit and it is hard for me to settle down..I started to pick paul apart in my head when I saw him last night from his shoes to his hair to his shirt ect...so I talked to sareen about it and well at least I see the pattern I do it with every man in my life, except my angel Jakob cause he is perfect in every way...

okay enough of that

thanks again for the replies.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 7:46pm
HI Erin!

You certainly do not sound like a freak! :) Just very anxious about getting into a new relationship and all the "stuff" that comes with a new relationship...I don't know many people who do not feel the same way. Why don't you explain to Paul that you like your own space and some of your fears of getting involved in a new relationship...that way he will understand and will not feel like you are pushing him away - just exploring new territory...

When I started dating my husband I was so nervous and anxious that I didn't even want to continue to go out with him...but an excellent therapist and I discussed my concerns and I discussed them with my husband...we took things very slow and talked a lot about the things that concerned us...and he is the best thing that ever happened to me.

You have a great time tonight and don't count Paul out just yet!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 11:22am
i think the real key is that the right person is one who will not run away despite anything about you, they will accept whatever it is and love you. i have major guy issues based on dad issues too, and i understand the pushing them away but wanting them to love you defense mechanism! i know it too well. sometimes a guy even gets pushed away by me but the good ones either dont let me or come back and help me through it and realize it isn't them and i need their help with it. i understand waiting a little bit to tell them about jakob and then telling them and that is something important. i think everything else- the depression and stuff can wait until later- you don't need to overload someone. i know my bf could not have handled hearing all of my gory details all at once at the beginning because of his own stuff- but was completely supportive when we were close enough for me to tell him the stuff. that's just my opinion though- every relationship has its own way of working. the biggest advice i have is to just relax and enjoy your time with him.