I never realized how bad this is until..
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| Sat, 06-12-2004 - 1:34pm |
I am back with head hanging low. I feel like a heel for not being here for the friends I have made here for the last month or so. And I feel badly that it is taking my life kicking me in the teeth again to come back, not even to offer support, but to seek it.
I guess even before I did not realize how sick I am with this depression, and how it is really affecting my life in every way. I am learning that I am not even the person I have always thought I was.
I suppose I should start making a little sense here. Some of you may remember that before I disappeared from the board, I had joined a band, and there was a lot of pressure. Well, I have been working hard and making some progress on learning all that I have to learn. But I feel so worthless. One of the other members of the band, a longtime acquaintance, has repeatedly told me that I am frustrating the other members of the band because I am not confident enough and don't trust myself. I know it sounds contradictory, but these conversations make me even less sure of myself. I do try to be more assertive and confident, but I just don't feel worthy of expressing my opinion to these seasoned musicians. They want me onstage playing guitar and singing, etc. I want this more than I can say and work at getting ready almost constantly. But it has been a blow to my ego that they have already hired a new sound person. The new guy is really nice, and he is just as new as me to the whole experience, but I still feel like I have not been given a chance to prove myself. It's hard to be confident with all this.
At work things have been going a bit better, though my boss's dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has just a couple of months left. This causes stress, but I think I am doing ok.
At home, life is tough. My 14 yr old is threatening to kill herself, I feel distanced from my hubby, my 15 yr old has decided that we are so dumb and poor that she can't stand to live here and has told both her father and I this at every opportunity, and I am not home enough to see my family as much as I want. Horrible weather has ruined most of my hopes for gardening this year, something that always brings me great joy.
I have not been able to attend counselling for 3 or 4 weeks due to money problems, and I know that is probably part of the problem. I just have been having such a hard time. I always thought that I was a stronger person than this, but obviously I have been wrong. I never knew that my self esteem was so low and that I hated myself so much. I want to just give up, to quit trying to make this whole thing work. I am just worn out by the struggle of life. I want to wrap myself in a cocoon of silence and darkness and just fade away. I know that giving up isn't the answer, but it is so tempting when everything is such a struggle. I am so tired. I try to keep my chin up and keep trying, because I do want to beat these feelings of worthlessness, but I guess I just need a cheering section. I tell myself over and over that I will do fine and that I am worthy of life and good things, but it just doesn't seem to seek in. I just don't know what to do now.
Thanks, ladies, for listening. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.
Sara

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Sara722))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think more than anything else it sounds like you have been totally overwhelmed by all the things that are happening to you.
It sounds like youa re having a really rough time...remember that feelings change and that there will be a time you will not feel so bad. It sounds like you have so many things going on in your life and so many people telling you what to do and how to do it...as far as the band goes...it sounds like you need to be with more supportive band members...I was a music major in college and the musicians that put others down are just not people that I wanted to spend time with..maybe get some time away from the band and work on the music you like and want to explore...tere will be other times to play and sing but if it is causing you stress now you may want to give it up for a while. I was just supposed to play for a wedding coming up but felt that it was too stressful for me and I cancelled - there are plenty of others that will be able to fill in for us right now...
As far as counseling goes is there anywhere else that you can go that you can afford? or a friend that will listen and give good advice...you need people that support you around...and all these feelings and worries have nothing to do with you being strong...You ARE strong just for making it through each day feeling like you do...you keep plugging along...a lot of people would not be able to handle everything that you are handling at this very moment. Depression makes us worry, feel confused and doubt our ability to handle things but it is the depression talking - and you are more than depression...you ARE strong...
What about seeing a doctor soon...are you taking any medications?...are you sleeping? eating? You need to rest...is there a place you can go to do that? a friends? or family members?
I am thinking of you and praying tomorrow will be easier!
Julie
I can't say I have experienced the band thing, but I can tell you that 14 and 15 year olds are not easy to deal with - especially girls. My daughter, now 21, was hard to live with up til she left just the beginning of this year.
Please don't let money get in the way of your getting help. There are many support groups out there that you could attend. I don't have my list in front of me right now, but you could try calling your therapist's office and asking if they know of any support groups that you can attend. You could also call your local hospital and ask their social worker if they could recommend a support group. They might even have them there.
Good luck and keep smiling. I know that I always wanted to sing in a band. Just the fact that you are being asked to sing with a band should make you feel like a million dollars. Not everyone has talent like that.
Hugs,
Donna