Everything is falling apart

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Everything is falling apart
2
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 3:04am
My emotions have been really haywire for the past few months and my depression seems to be getting the best of me again, but in a different way than I am used to. My emotions are just all over the place, all in one day I can be happy, sad, angry, lonely, and it is leaving me feeling basically like I am going crazy. My relationship with my SO is falling apart, and I don't know if it's because of me, or if the way I am is making it fall apart. My boyfriend just doesn't understand, even though he also suffers from depression and is on meds, he doesn't get it. So he has been just alienating himself totally from me, we are just two people living in the same house basically. Then I lash out at him over things that really aren't his fault, I am just so lost and confused and sad. I feel like my life is a dead end, even though I have a good job we are always broke and the bills are all behind. I think a lot of it is resentment that my SO is disabled and out of work, but has been so since we met and I went into this relationship knowing that, and he does have an income and contributes to the household, and also contributes in other ways, helps with housework, etc. I just don't know what is wrong with me I just want to be left alone, but when I am out with friends or something I feel better but as soon as I come home I am just so depressed again. I feel so unattractive, also I had a hysterectomy three months ago and we haven't made love since before that. He is telling me I create my own problems in my head, but I just can't help the way I feel. I see my psychiatrist this week so I will tell him about this, I am on Effexor and Xanax, depression is nothing new to me I have been diagnosed since about 1989, but I haven't felt this bad in a very long time.

Thanks to anyone for listening and any words of advice you may have. This is affecting everything in my life, my job performance has been terrible, (I work from home and dealing with all of this stress and bad feelings), also I have two teenagers to worry about, just feel so overwhelmed! I want to take a vacation so bad but have no money to do so, I just feel like running away!!

Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 11:38am
i know the feeling of wanting to run away- i get like that too when i am having a hard time. i don't know where you live and if this would work for you, but i used to live near farmland and i would get in my car and drive out into the open roads and listen to my favorite music with meaning (like sheryl crow- every day is a winding road) and cry or scream or drive fast (which you can do on country roads) whatever got it out and made me feel more free. even when i moved to the city, i would find places to drive. now i don't have a car and i walk to a park and sit and listen to music and write. whatever you can do to skim the stress/depression off the top often helps you to be able to better deal with the rest. good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:22pm
Hi Ciemom,

It's great that you are seeing your Dr. this week, that should help some. I don't know what your relationship is with your SO & your kids, but maybe you could let them know that you have been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately & you would appreciate their consideration. Maybe they don't even realize what you are feeling. We try do so much & forget that sometimes we need a little help.

Take care.