Crisis of Faith

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Crisis of Faith
9
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 11:19am
I don't know where I should be posting this, but since I know I'm depressed I suppose this is as good a place as any.

The short version is simply - I'm tired. I've been spending my whole life hoping that things will get better...once I get into high school, once I go away to college, when I get my car, etc. etc. But I'm still waiting.

My life isn't terrible. By many standards it's better than most. But it's very empty and lonely. There are times when you need someone to cheer you on to the finish line, and I don't have that person. And I'm beginning to think that maybe the finish line doesn't even exist for me anymore. Like maybe I'll always be empty and alone.

The main event that has triggered this latest round of exhaustion has caused me to think recently that perhaps I am being tested by my God (I am a fairly spiritual Christian, and I do believe in faith and tests to a large degree). I'm a chronic worryer, especially over the past year, and I know that a great weight would be lifted off of me, spiritually and emotionally, if I could surrender my worries to God.

But perhaps it is too late. I don't have the energy to even have faith. I feel...heavy. I've stopped eating -not because I have any particular control or weight issues, but just because I'm not hungry and even when I am hungry I don't feel like eating and even when I DO eat it is severely unsatisfying. I'm in a daze. I don't know what to do.

Yes, I'm in therapy. I have been for a while. We both thought I was improving significantly since I started (a little over a year ago). Recent events has him thinking that perhaps I've just had a setback. I, however, am not so sure. I feel like I'm giving up. There's more of me that wants to quit than doesn't...and I tend to be a fighter for the most part.

I don't know what I'm asking...I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I guess I just hope that someone understands.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 12:04pm

Welcome to the board Skeletonheart.


I do understand what you are saying about being tired.

Avatar for babiecakes38
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:35am
I know how you feel. I recently have been going through some tough times and I have begun to question God. I ask him all the time "What did I do to deserve this". I just want to be happy and I think that I have waited a fair amount of time for my happiness. I am not always sad. But when one thing goes wrong, it all seems to follow. All I can say is we will get through these times. We always do. I just wish something really good would happen to make me realize that he still sees me too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 6:59am
Hello I hope what I say here makes sense. I've been an adult mental health facility for 5 weeks and my roommate told me almost the exact same story as you did in your post. She always felt God was testing her and no matter how hard she tried to please she always seemed to slip further down and away from her beliefs. While at the institution with me she decided to put things (everything) back in God's hands and began her usual practice while there. I was able to slowly see a change in her over time. She became much more secure in her decision making, her marriage has improved and she is happy again.

I told her that I was going through that period of my life where I feel God has failed me again and again and questioning my beliefs. I'm slowly turing back to Him for direction and I can only hope my outcome is as positive as hers. By the way she was released last Friday!

I hope you find what it is you are searching for.

Prayers for you,

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:14pm
Thank you all for responding. It does help to know that I'm not alone.

I try constantly to remind myself to enjoy THIS moment, but it is very hard. I have (mostly) stopped thinking that my life will cure itself when the big things happen, but I haven't let go of the notion that I'll be much better off, or much more relaxed, when those things happen.

Have any of you seen Bruce Almighty? I know Jim Carrey gets very mixed reviews. I haven't seen the whole movie, but it does delve deeply into prayer, and what we hope for, and what God wants from us - it examines these concepts much more closely than I imagined. I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone, but Bruce's revelation at the end was very inspiring, and I hope to one day reach that point.

miserable, can you explain what happened to your roommate? You said she began her usual practice - what do you mean? I'd love to learn more!

thanks all,

k

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:37pm
Sorry I guess I should have explained what I meant by her "practice." What I meant was at one time she attended church faithfully, read the bible and sang her praises. That all stopped because she believed God was in some way punishing her for her illness and she turned her back on her beliefs. Once she earned weekend passes she began attending church, sang praises while at the hospital and picked up the bible once again. She even had prayer sessions for those on our ward who wanted to participate. During her free time she even sought the counciling of the minister at the hospital and attended evening services there. I'm not saying all that she has done is a cure for everyone I'm just stating that for her, and the faith she reclaimed was what gave her the strength to overcome her illnesses. BTW she refused all meds but was suffering from severe depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. Hope this answers your question.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 4:49pm
I think I understand the feeling of life being a constant struggle, not having someone who you can rely on or who is on your side, and losing faith.

I used to have a very strong faith in God. After my divorce and events following it that left me feeling battered, alone, and unsupported, I really had a hard time feeling that sense of God anymore. It took me 6 years to get that sense back.

I have also always been a chronic worrier. I went on an anxiety medication that helped that. I still worry, but without the constant anxiety that I used to have. However, I don't recommend my medication (Paxil) to others. It is highly addictive, meaning in this case if you miss even one day, your emotions really go bonkers. I don't think that Zoloft is much better.

As I've been going through my life over the last 8 years since my divorce, I'm coming to the conclusion that they aren't very many people who really are on your side. I feel like my dh is, but sometimes not in the way that I want him to be. For a long time I looked for a best friend. I've tried different friendships, but I have always found that people want to get way more from a friendship than they want to give. That is hard for me to understand, but it's been my experience over and over.

This board has been my friend community this past year. I've had some other friends come and go, but this is the place I can come any time of day or night and find people who will celebrate with me or commiserate with me.

As for my husband, I prayed for someone who would understand me for years. I think it took me awhile to have the patience and kindness towards someone else that I wanted back. He isn't what I thought was my "ideal" but he is the first person who ever made me feel loved. I didn't meet him unti l was almost 26. We've had struggles, but we've made it through.

The one prayer that God has always answered me with a "yes" is when I pray for strength and insight to get through a situation. The insight usually comes to me within 1-3 days, sometimes less time. I've shared that prayer with others, who have said that it helped them, as well.

I think that a lot of happiness comes from appreciating what we have. I have come to tell myself that I love myself at night as I cuddle up in bed and go to sleep. That has helped me as well. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is helpful in putting thing in perspective in life. It helps to keep from going to extremes and seeing the worst in a situation.

Sometimes we have to change our expectations and interpretations of life so that we can be satisfied and grateful exactly where we are. A friend of mine one said, "Pain is the difference between our expectations and what is."

Welcome to the board here. I hope you will stick around. This is definitely a place where people cheer you across the finish line and help you in your times of need.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:02pm
I know what it is like to want to be free...you mentioned wheen you get a car college and everything else but to be honest with you that is in a way running from the things that are bothering you in your life.....I know how hard to is to face the issue at hand I ran for what seemed like a million years only to have those things waiting for me in a nice neat package when I got to the place I was going to...

I am a huge supporter of faith whatever that may be we all have faith weather it be in God or allah or budah we all have faith and I believe that we are all tested in one form or another...but I do not believe that ones god tests them by giving them depression or horrible devistations in life....but I think that what you choose to do with what you have been handed is the true test of faith....

I do not mean to sound harsh at all I know at times I sound that way but so not my intention..,..so sorry ahead ...I lost my faith in god many many years ago I think I was a little girl and I never regained that faith...but I did find faith in so many other places and in so many other ways...I learned that it doesnt matter what you believe in as long as you BELIEVE....

I am also a huge fan of different cultures and beliefs I have this little bag a friend got for me while on safari in the african bush it is called a worry sash or something like that, what you are supposed to do is put all your worries in it along with any negative thoughts hang it over your bed and you are supposed to have great sleep and forget your worries and to be honest I have had nothing but good sleep a few strange dreams but that is normal and well it gives me faith that I am being protected....

Dont get me wrong I think that it is good that you have a strong faith in God my family is irish catholic so basically we were not allowed to do anything wrong growing up but I am a rebel so I rebelled that is just my nature I am such the noncomformist and quite the free spirit I think that is why I never settled with just one religion or faith there are too many out there to not experiance them all...

Second or shall I say close to last dont know is that you do have strength and energy you just have not found it yet it is there you were able to log onto the computer and type this out wrrent you??? you posted a responce to some of the others who posted to you see that is energy...ya just gotta dig a little deeper for it..but I garuntee you that it is there and it is probably closer that you think it is usually when we think something is so far away it really isnt as far as we thought is was ....

as for the hunger do you like milkshakes? or malts?

you cant eat well go out and get amalt those have nutrients in them and it is better than nothing at all..

and by the way we all have set backs that is life I can go from doing great to one slip and that just shoots it all to heck for me...but I accept that and I know that will happen every now and again..so dont beat on yourself for having a set back/...

you will be fine

Sending hugs good vibes and positive thoughts your way

Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:26pm
I feel the same as you. I wonder if God really does hear us, and our prayers. I pray to him and hoping for guidiance, support, and to show light on the problem. Lately I have been questioning my faith. I'm Catholic. I have been reading other areas of regilions. I finally realized that I'm sticking in believeing the Great one upstairs. I'm Catholic and I need to get more involved with that.

I'm depressed and have anxiety, both go hand in hand, I think. I wonder and see people with of life and joy. I want that. I just don't know how to get it. I take meds. Sometimes I wonder if they work. I went to therapy,I'm getting involed in that again,but anyways, She once told me, that it sounded like I was my worst enemy. I don't let myself enjoy things and that maybe I'm thinking that I don't deserve to have that in my life. Like I should be punished. I feel sometimes that its mind over matter. like when you start getting neg thoughts, you need to tell your self pos thoughts. It works but for how long. I don't know if I have be able to accept myself with depression. Like not being comfortable in your own skin at times. I also have IBS. That gets to me also. I have a hard making decisions. It's like well, I don't know go ask Dad or something like that. I'm trying to talk to the man upstairs more about this. I feel okay most days. I do have neg thoughts at least once a day if not more. I don't want them anymore. Bad enough if everything else.

Live,Laugh & Love

Gwennie....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 3:12pm
It is a minute-by-minute struggle, but I am getting there! Literally, some minutes I am full of hope and excitement, and seemingly the very next the impatience is killing me. On another board, one of the members posted "Faith should be pure. If proof is needed, it is no longer faith." I'm trying to make that my mantra! I hope that practice will soon make perfect.

Maria, interesting point about what you pray for. While I have specific prayers, I have learned that sometimes all I really want is strength and patience. And if I don't feel better that very second, something happens regarding whichever situation I'm worried about to make me feel better.

Erin, I don't think I was being clear. It's not that I'm running away from anything in particular. I'm more like I'll be able to finally relax when x,y,z are done. I know from first hand experience that isn't true, but it's still hard to break out of that line of thinking.

Thank you for pointing out my strengths. I suppose there are people who can't/don't do even that much!

I finally made it to church this Sunday. Although this sermon wasn't particularly relevant to me, I did feel better just knowing I went instead of making up excuses and feeling guilty.