looking for answers

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
looking for answers
2
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:07pm
Hi,

I'm new here and I know no one can give me all the answers I need, but I'm having a tough time....again. I don't even know where to start. I first was diagnosed with depression in 1999 and dealt with that for about two years. Then I met my husband two years ago and haven't really had any problems since..until this week. And it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. I think the biggest problem is that I'm 10 weeks pregnant and I'm so tired all the time, that everything seems impossible and I don't have the energy to even try and get over the hurdles. I tried taking a short nap everyday, but there's so much that needs to be done, I feel guilty for napping. Also, I've wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for as long as I can remember. When I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic. I tried to think of ANYTHING I could do to stay home when this baby gets here. Finally, after 5 weeks, I've realized that we just can't afford for me to stay home. DH just doesn't make enough money. It breaks mt heart and the thought of my baby growing up in daycare almost makes me sick, but I can't seem to find any other options So, I'll just have to keep working, which brings me to my next problem. My job. I really hate my job. I've been there 9 months and I cry every morning because I do NOT want to go to that place anymore. I don't get treated well there, and I'm SO important that they don't even ask where I was if I don't show up. I talked to my boss and told him that I just wasn't happy and he told me to just fake it. I've been looking for jobs the last few days, but I feel pressed for time because I know no one will hire me when I start showing. I didn't go to work today because I just hate the thought of spending another day there and now I feel like I've let my husband down because we need the money. I'm taking classes in my spare time to get a degree in medical assisting, but I'm so tired and down anymore that I haven't even worked on that this summer. I feel like such a disappointment to everyone that knows me. It makes me so sad to think this, but I wish I could just leave my life here behind and start over somewhere else. I feel like I've let everyone down again and I don't want them to have to put up with me anymore.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just don't really have anyone to talk to and I don't know what else to do. I just feel like leaving my husband a note and disappearing forever.
Avatar for all_girls4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 7:25pm
Boy do I know how you feel. We can disappear together..lol. But I'm sure a lot of it has to do with pregnancy hormones too. It's not easy to deal with all that and being pg. And about finding a different job, I started a new job when I was pg 4 months with my oldest one. They didn't mind at all, so don't give up on that. You might be surprised. As for not being able to stay home, yes it's hard. I have 3 dd and work fulltime for the same reasons. I would like to stay home with them too, but we can't afford it. It's hard the first few weeks after going back to work, but it'll get easier, I promise. Maybe you can find somebody you really trust to watch your baby, like a family member. That might make it easier. Or maybe you can work part time?

Lots of hugs and congrats on the pregnancy......Ilka



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 7:42pm
I know the feeling of wanting to disappear. Heck, I've started over a few times. The problem is that you can't disappear. You might start over, but you are still you. You can't disappear to yourself. Of course, when you are pregnant, you carry even more responsibilities with you.

I agree with the last post that pregnancy hormones are powerful and can be very upsetting. My sister was an emotional wreck for the whole of both of her pregnancies. She was fearful, anxious, stressed, angry, and crying, sometimes all at once! She fought with her husband all of the times. She used to be that way on her period back when they had the heavy duty hormone birth control pills. She's super sensitive to hormones. I've never been pregnant, so I can't say how it would affect me. My dh has however noticed that I have extra emotions just before my period. I hate that it's true, but it apparently is!

Having a job you hate is rotten! I've been there a few times. It tends to poison my whole life and sense of hope. I agree that the sooner you can find another job, the better for you. I've been amazed at how one job can be so much better than another one. I had a roommate who moved to another town and got a job that she instantly hated. She quit it. I thought she was crazy because she needed it for survival. She kept looking for another one and had one within a month. She's been at that job for 6 years now. If she hadn't quit the other one, she never would have found the one that she loves.

But I'm not advocating quitting a job before you had a new one. That other job she only had for a week, so she didn't need the reference. I'm just saying that it's good to get out of a situation that you hate. My biggest regrets are that I've stayed in bad situations much longer than I should have. I know that if I had gotten out of them, I would have been much happier!

I understand your desire to stay home with your children. Nowadays there are some different ways you can do that. I know a woman who throws these Body Shop parties. She's a stay-at-home mom. She says that she is much busier than she ever thought possible. I know that there are lots of home party companies, but the Body Shop already has a really good reputation. People just love it. So she has people come to the parties and beg to have her come to their house for a party. She never dreamt that she would do so well with the side business she set up to allow her to work from home. They pampering parties, makeover parties, and foot parties.

I'm not saying you should do that, I'm just saying that there are more options for working at home then you might think. You can also work from home for a company by working from your home computer. There are lots of options nowadays. You can check out www.monster.com and talk to employment agencies in your area.

It's never worth it to be miserable. If your unhappiness comes from a job or relationship, then I think that it is usually a sign that you need to change your circumstances.

Take good care of yourself during this pregnancy. And try to keep in mind that the hormones make things seems more intense and extreme than they are.

All My Best,

MariaC