Feeling Helpless and Hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Feeling Helpless and Hurt
1
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:48pm
Hi, everyone. I have been really working hard at getting back to myself again. I started doing my affirmations every night and making sure I remembered to take my meds. I have been really concious of my negativity and trying to catch it before it gets out of hand. I have been feeling a little better, and there has been some hope, and now I have this issue I don't know how to handle.

My husband is in the same band I am in. He was in it first, doing lights and sound, etc. When their last drummer went into the hospital, hubby took over the drumming for the band, and I took over the lights and sound. Unfortunately, hubby hasn't practiced the way he should have, and this week was told that he is off drums till further notice. They are bringing someone else in to do it for him. The leader of the band was all sorry to hurt hubby and all, but he said that hubby just isn't progressing fast enough, and it is hurting the show. We have some huge gigs coming up this summer that we can't afford to blow. Anyway, hubby is NOT fired, just put on some other stuff for a while. They still want us in the band and we will still be singing. I will still be onstage with my guitar. But they are bringing in the old drummer for these shows.

Hubby is so depressed, and I don't know what to do. We both understand that the choices made were made for the good of the band, but he is so hurt. I wasn't surprised, because his performance has really gone downhill, but I can't bear him being so sad. I feel guilty to practice my guitar around the house, because I feel like I will be rubbing it in. Also, I feel guilt that I could maybe have done something to make this not happen. I don't really know what, my plate has been really full, but I keep thinking there should be something. I have even thought that maybe we should both just quit, but that is just a knee-jerk overreaction. I love being in the band. I never feel better than when I am onstage, and I know hubby feels the same. I guess I don't really know how to handle this. I feel I should do whatever it takes to make hubby feel better, but I don't know what that is. Another part of me wants to sit and explain it to him that he will get his place back if he works hard at it (they did mention this). I am just afraid he will give up, and I don't know if I am strong enough to support him if he cracks.

I feel so helpless!! I want to fix this so badly, and I can't because hubby has to take responsibily for it. I just don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 6:28pm
Sara,

That's a really hard situation! I don't think that there is one right way to handle it. You kind of have to feel out what he needs. You instincts are correct that you husband created it and he needs to take responsibility for creating the outcome he wants.

It's hard to not take emotional responsibility for your partner. I always do it, myself! But of course, the healthiest thing is to take the emotional distance. There is something that he needs to learn from this situation. The best thing you can do is to be loving and kind. Listen to his pain. Then after a few days, start to direct him back to how he can get the outcome that he wants.

Most of us know that when we are first going through something difficult, especially a loss and/or ego blow, we need to vent and grieve. But it's healthy if we don't dwell on this part too long. Asking him what he wants and how he thinks he can get it might be the most helpful. This way you aren't lecturing him or telling him how he failed. Instead, you are helping him to find his own answers and feel he's taking control of it himself. Does that make sense.

Good luck in this hard time for him. It's very difficult to be with someone who is depressed. They are usually like a black hole, they suck up all your positive and shoot down your ideas. It's very hard. Sometimes after the initial support, it helps to give them the kick in the pants by saying, "OK, you know the situation, now what are you going to do to get what you want?" The good part is that these people didn't kick him out of the band. They told him that if he practices, they will give him another chance. You can point out to him how he's good at other things because of his experience and practice. He worked his way up to drummer, but he still needed to take extra steps to master that craft.

Keep us posted on how it's going and how he's doing!

All My Best,

MariaC