male depression

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
male depression
8
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:33pm
my husband of 22 years left me recently. i suspect he has been depressed for awhile but when i tried to talk to him about it he dismissed the idea and said he was handling it. now i know what he meant.

he's gone now and wants a divorce. our state has no waiting period and the only way to drag it out is by not agreeing with any property settlement.

if anyone has any ideas, i would really appreciate hearing them. i just don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:58pm
You said that you suspect tht he has depression but do you know for sure? has or had he ever been diagnosed with depression?

I do not mean to sound harsh but for me the post was a little vague so I ask questions to get a better understanding of things...

did he say why he left and wants a divorse? or did he just up and walk one day?

I know that men show signs of depression differently then women do but I also know men who you would think suffered from depression and did not so it is kinda hard to tell at times....

Best bet may be one of two things...but neither of them is prolonging a divorse on purpose it just makes things alot more messy...

1) you can try to talk to him but not about how you think he is depressed but tell him how you feel about him that you love him and want to be together with him..do not tell him that he is depressed that will only make things worse..

2)you can let him have the divorse that he wants but I do not think that is what you want...

I am sure that the other ladies here will be of better help to you I am not too knowledgeable when it comes to divorse I am only a child of a bad one thats all.

Best of luck to you

Erin
Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 4:23pm
Welcome to the board. I know of a website that may be of help. It is: maledepression.com

He may not have an open enough mind to go to it. But it may give you insight and help.

Good luck.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 3:06pm
I think that one of the kneejerk reactions in our society is to blame the people around us for our unhappiness. This may be what your husband is doing. I don't know if the two of you ever had marriage counseling. To just leave a marriage without trying to work things out is pretty self-centered. I like how Dr. Phil says that "You have to EARN your way out of a marriage." That means that you have to try everything to make it work first. Marriage isn't something you just throw away. That's the whole point of getting married.

Unfortunately, people so often think that their happiness is all about their partner. If they are unhappy and alone, they must be lonely. If they are unhappy and with someone, it must not be the right person. It's this big delusion that we can be made happy by another person. So if we aren't happy, find a different person.

This is why some people have so many relationships that only last a few years at most.

I don't think it's usually possible to keep someone from divorcing you. Usually, the more we try to hang on to someone, the more we drive them away. It's the clinging and trying to control them that makes them want their freedom even more.

There are some good books available on this subject. In fact, there is an article on male depression in this month's issue of Pychology Today. It's available at most newstands like Barnes and Noble. I just got my copy in the mail yesterday, so it's probably out on newstands now.

The best books I know about male depression are by Terrence Real. He did a great one I read called "I Don't Want to Talk About It: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression." It talks about the very issue of depressed men leaving their wives and families to start a shiny new family with someone who doesn't (yet) see their patterns of closing down. New relationships usually have that honeymoon period when people can hide their darker side. That appeals to men who are hiding from their own feelings. But the reality of their emotions eventually comes up. Often that's when they decide that they've "fallen out of love." Then they move on to the next new relationship. It's a sad and insidious cycle. And it leaves a trail of broken hearts in it's wake.

You might consider going to a support group for women going through divorce. It sounds like you are still trying to bargain a solution. That's the right thing to do with a marriage, but it won't work if he has shut you out and doesn't want to deal with his feelings or you, the person who brings them to his attention.

I know this is an excruciating time. I've been through it. It nearly killed me. I highly recommend going to a therapist for yourself to figure out what options you have and to help you deal with your own feelings.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 2:02pm
Thank you for the suggestion. I have gone to the site you mentioned as well as several others. You're right, he will not even consider the possibility that he may be depressed. He thinks I didn't love him enough. I feel like I'm looking for answers that don't exist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 2:32pm
Your last sentence is what left the most impression on me. That is exactly what I am trying to avoid for my children, so your advice to give him the divorce he wants is helpful. Prolonging it though protects me longer and gives me more time to plan my life. After the divorce, I will have no health insurance and of course, much less money. While I've worked during our marriage, his career was so demanding that I didn't build my own assets. He always said that he was building for both of us and I believed him. Actually, I believe he believed that too.

But in the last few years he has had several episodes of what I think is depression. Some of those symptoms were sleep difficulties, weight fluctuations, feelings of failure, thoughts that we would be better off without him, running stop signs when he thought it was safe, going for long drives to think, and playing video games every night in the basement away from the family.

Yes, he did just walk away with no notice or discussion beforehand. He moved out while I was at work. And I have told him numerous times that I love him, just the way he is. I don't discuss my belief in his depression with him at all because he rejects the posssibility that it could even be the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 2:49pm
He, of course, thinks he has been working on it and his problem was that he tried too hard. He also thinks a good relationship shouldn't require work and he doesn't like working with me.

I have agreed to the divorce; however, I have asked for time to make decisions and start a new life. After the divorce, I will have no health insurance and of course a greatly reduced income. I have worked during our marriage but his career was center focus.

I have done some reading and appreciate the the information about Psychology Today. I will check it out. I have the book you mentioned and I'm sure I will refer to it often. I am in counseling and it is helpful. It's just the continued sadness and concern for the future seem to be all I have in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:48pm

Welcome (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((wishannastar))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I have been in your boat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 1:41am
thanks for sharing your story of success, validating my feelings and offering suggestions. Your encouragement is invaluable.