Baby steps RIGHT!!!!!
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| Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:52pm |
I know that we all take baby steps in order to improve ourselves and to get the best out of therapy that we can weather it is de-cluttering our homes or taking a shower getting out of bed ect.......But I have a question??
what defines a baby step...
As you all know I do not have severe depression nor do I have any form really of depression at all..I am cyclothymic a form of bipolar disoder..less severe but more cycling than usual alot of cycling actually but I have been good for a month of so now no crazy mood swings to report...except for my severe anger bouts where if I feel that I am not being heard or someone doesnt understand what I am trying to say I loose it really literally I freak out scream swear rapid heart beat sweats ect...and then just as fast as it happens it is gone happened yesterday and I end up acting like it never happened weird huh...
the thing is I have taken baby steps for a years now worked on managing my severe mood swings where I would literally want to kill someone never had severe depression although once last year I was suicidal I never had a problem getting out of bed or taking a a shower going to work it was never a struggle for me my therapist calls me high functioning I guess would be the word...I have not felt really sad in a while angry yes I bury the anger most of the time and it is usually over major things like my sister when I talk about it in person you would think that it doesnt really other me I am an expressionless person I dont look happy or sad when I talk about things that are a big deal almost like they are not even about me but about someone else like I leave my body so that way I do not have to feel anything like the anger or pain or loss...I realize that I have lost my sister whom I love so much I know that I may never have her in my life again I feel that I should grieve for her like you grieve over a death but I can not do that I can not feel anything for her I guess I am afraid I dont know I guess I do not want ot risk takign all those steps backwards especially after the steps that I have taken forward...
I did take a step back I paniced really bad literally freaked out over my whole weight thing I felt a little pudge in my facial cheeks I ran out baught diet pills afraid of eating too much I know I lectured about it to someone else how they are bad for you I know it is my choice to make if I want to do that to myself but really for those of you who have never been there and dont know what it is like to have something this huge control you to some it may not be a big thing some may say get over it ect...but for me it started as me needed to control something in my life since it was so out of control and it has turned into soemthing that controls me I stopped for a while I was proud but it is almost like being an alcoholic you may stop drinking for so many years but you will always think like an alcoholic and I was told that I may always think like someon who has an eating disorder granted there treally is no name for me I am not anorexic nor am I bulimc I am a pill popper that is what I am and I felt that I had to come clean with you all..sorry..now I have to come clean with marnie next week...not looking forward to that..I guess alot of it had to do with the fact that I am going to arizona in 3 weeks and I want to look my best and I have not felt my best for a few weeks now when it comes to my body so the cycle has started again .....
I was talking to paul last night about working out and bodies and stuff he told me that he liked my body which makes me feel very awkward I have such a problem with men making a nice comment about my body I freak out dont know why food for thought for me I guess I just freak out I have always been ashamed of my body my whole life I was never thaght that our bodies are beautiful and that being naked is okay I was never talked to about sex and I was never told that I was good a good person that is that I should not be ashamed of my body but I am no matter how hard I try to not be ashamed I am I try to change and transform myself to not look like me hence the hair coloring which I love now hence the extreme working out stuff like that it is hard to like yourself....and it is hard to break free from this monster that controls me....
I dont think that I am a depressed person I think that maybe I am just someone who has extremly low self esteem maybe I am not even cyclothymic I think about that oftenmaybe I really dont cyclothymic disorder maybe I am okay or maybe I just want to be okay and I do not want anything wrong with me okay I am babling not a good sign..havent been in therapy for almost three weeks now I cancelled my last two appointments for lack of funds and I think I really need to go but I cant for another week...okay now I am crying I can not tell you why but I am oh what a mess I am...
I am happy with paul and like being with him he stayed at my house this past saturday but I was a good girl and all we did was sleep had a great dinner and watche d a horrible movie but it felt so good to have someone next to me he said I kept pushing him into the wall and he has to keep pushing me back to my side but I kept going back towards him he told me he finally gave up and thought that it was cute that I kept doing that he told me I look so small in my bed I have a bog bed...he is just a good guy and I feel taht I met him for a reason the powers that be work in strange ways and maybe this is one of their strange ways...
well I must go or I will babble all day like I said not a good sign
thanks for letting me just ramble on ...
Erin

Hi Erin!
Having battled low self esteem most of my life and having it be a precursor to my depression, I know what a monster it can be my friend even if it doesnt have a fancy medical name.
And baby steps can be almost anything hun.. what it is is picking something to work on that you want to change. In your case an example might be working on your self image; so take the baby step of saying Thank You every time you get a compliment and really working on believing its true! Or every day look in the Mirror and say "I look great"
*hugs
I think baby steps can mean something different to each indivdual. For me sometimes just answering the phone is a baby step for others attending an outing may be a baby step.
One of the exercises I had to do while in hospital (for low self-esteem and eating disorder) was to make a list of everything I liked about my body as well as positive things about myself on a personality level. I then had to make a list about things I disliked. Now comes the hard part...I had to have those closest to me make a list of all the things they liked about me and things that they felt I needed to work on to perhaps change...like my temper. When I was making my list I was surprised just how many good things I could list about myself and, even more overwhelming is the list that those around me were able to produce. When people say you are smart, witty, fun to be around etc. it really give you a boost of confidence. It also helped to hear the negative things like: "she's to hard on herself, she is to giving and can't say no". For me it was helpful and I'm taking "baby steps" to change some things and I'm learning to live with the things I can't change.
I have been trying to reply to this post for the last couple of days. I haven't been able to open it! I've been having that trouble with about 1 out of every 3 posts I try to open. Yours has consistently been one of them. I'm so sorry that I didn't respond. I only just got this open!
It sounds like you are somewhat confused right now, probably from a combination of missing therapy and your anticipation about your upcoming visit to Arizona. I'm so glad that you have given Paul another chance and are enjoying his company. That is a huge step.
Personally, I don't think that any of the steps that you have taken this year are "baby steps." Girl you have taken huge leaps this year! You have stopped drinking heavily, then doing things you regret as a consequence. You have stopped doing cocaine. You have stopped cutting. You have started to eat more healthily. You have been much calmer and more peaceful. You have started to believe in your own ability to grow. You have taken pride in your accomplishments. You have given so much to others. You have stopped calling yourself a monster. Last fall you were posting long posts about what a worthless person you thought you were. You have overcome that. You have taken responsibility for your own action and your own healing.
Yes, we all have hard times. We may slip back into old coping mechanisms during that time. It's completely normal.
I don't think you should worry so much about what your diagnosis is. Does it really matter? You want to feel normal. But what is normal? Lots of people have eating disorders. Lots of people are depressed or have rages. Most of them will never be diagnosed. I think what can make a diagnosis usefull is that it helps you understand the nature of your issues and what you need to do to keep yourself in a healthy place.
Most people with bipolar want to believe that they don't have it. That's the nature of the disease. But it is since you have faced your inner pain that you have lessened your need to do self-destructive things to distract yourself from your inner pain.
You are doing such a great job! I'm sorry that you can't get in to see your therapist. I hope there is a way you can get in there before you leave for your trip.
There's one other thing I wanted to say. I used to feel so uncomfortable when people complimented my looks. I felt ugly and I would argue with them and tell them it wasn't true that I looked good. One time when I was doing that with my grandfather, my grandmother (a beautiful woman) said, "Just say 'Thank you.'" It was a revelation for me. I learned to just say thank you. It helped me accept the compliment. I grew to like compliments after a couple of years!
You hang in there, Girl. You aren't pudgy. And remember, Jacob wants to see his mother! He doesn't care what you look like. He cares that you are happy. That's all. To him you are always beautiful.
All My Love,
MariaC
I guess I just wanted to say be strong and understanding of yourself. When you fall off, get back on. Try again is the best that we can do for ourselves...if we give up, we've lost. I know that you don't feel that way lots of times, I KNOW that I feel that way many days--but you have such wonderful opportunities awaiting you: your son, a vacation, Paul. Find your list that you were so willing to share with us before, review it. Those things that you felt at the time, those are still real!!
hugs and love