Totally messed up....Trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Totally messed up....Trigs
6
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 8:06am
I have totally messed up, and I feel like a huge failure. I can't seem to remember anything, and I have forgotten some pretty big things this past week. Now today the consequences are heaping up. I feel like I don't even want to try anymore. I write reminders to myself and everything, and then I get on the downward spiral and lose my grip on everything. Now my 5 yr old is crying, and I can't figure out why, my DH and I haven't hardly seen each other in 4 days, I have band practice tonight that I am not ready for, I screwed up at work and have to try to fix it on the fly at work today. I am basically melting down.

The worst part is that I just want to give up. On life in general. I don't even want to try anymore. I am so discouraged. I feel like I will never get better, so why even try. I have thought about killing myself for the first time in months, and am afraid. Life is such a huge thing, and so much of it is unpleasant. I am just feeling too tired to keep on going. I am so tired of the fight to keep it all together. I don't seem to be making any progress anyway. I just don't see the point of putting out this huge effort every day anymore.

I have thought about going to the hosp. and checking myself in, but even that seems like too much work. Besides, I don't want to be that person. Everyone I know already thinks of me as batty because of my breakdown before. I don't want to add a hospital stay to the list of reasons they have to treat me wierd. And how would that affect my DD?

I just hate myself and want to fade away into nothingness. I hurt so bad, and I am so tired. I just can't seem to move on from this spot. I worry I will never be able to live a normal life and enjoy it. It will always be so much work just t o get out of bed every morning, why should I keep trying?
Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 8:22am
Sounds like you have a lot of reasons to keep trying. A husband and a 5 year old. A job, band practice...you are handling quite a bit.

Allow yourself to feel overwhelmed. I know that sounds silly, but it is normal to feel like you have a lot going on. YOU DO!! But there are lots of things that can help.

Post here, we are here to listen. Vent, complain, support, whine...whatever, that's what we are here for.

Second, a hint from me to you. Keep your notes in one place. Your purse, your daytimer. But don't just make the notes, you need to look at them. I leave my self voice mail messages all the time for example. Both at home and at work.

I actually made a little note book of scrap paper, just stapled a few peices together, it is in my purse so whenever I remember something I need I write it down.

Just a thought.

Good luck.

Welcome to the board.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 12:21pm
Part of your post really stuck out to me it was when you mentioned the hospital and how people would treat you weird and that they already treat you differently because you had a break down..before that you mentioned committing suicide...then after you mentioned the hospital you said something about how you going in would affect your daughter....but you did not mention how you committing suicide would affect your daughter..to be honest you going into the hospital will only help you and your family you committing suicide will hurt your daughter for the rest of her life and will hurt your family for the rest of their lives and well it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem that is giving up that is being selffish.....sorry to be blunt but sometimes ya gotta be blunt.......

now with that said when I hear others talk about giving up something always pops into my head that my therapist had said to me when I told her that I wanted to give up she said then do it give up give in let the saddness win dont get out of bed dont eat dont sleep or sleep all the time do not smile do not cry do not laugh do not live life...BUT dont talk about how sad you are do not talk about being depressed do not talk about aches and pains ya blunt again but it hit me hard what she was saying and it made me not give up not give in and fight the good fight and I am glad I did that see that is what I love about my therapist she is cut throat and she makes me think.....

Life is never a garuntee we are not garunteed that we shall be ahppy each day that being sad will go away and never come back that even on meds in therapy and seeing a shrink we are going to have a set back hell I am the queen of setback had one this week that I am still trying to figure a way out of but I know that in time I will be okay....and you also will be okay....

Again I am so sorry for being blunt

I just felt that in order for me to get what I wanted to say out that I had to be

I wish you all the support and luck in the world and all the good positives vibes I have in me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 12:47pm
Sara Honey I'm worried about you. I've been down your road ( just last summer). Here is my piece of advice take it or leave it. You need to see your doctor today. I feel meds and therapy would help you tremendously. I know it has me. I still have all the problems, but I am able to deal with them in a more orderly fashion. My head is not so foggy. I say this because I care and do not want you to do anything you would regret. I understand about worrying about how your actions will effect your child. I have two and I think about that a lot. My therapist tells me I have to take care of me in order to be able to take care of them. Please come back here and let us know how you are doing. Love and prayers going out to you. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 7:15pm

Hi Sara!


You have gotten some wonderful replies from some of the awesome women here at the board so I just want to take a minute to welcome you.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 9:21pm

Hi, Sara!

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>

CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 10:32pm
Hi (((Sara)))

I just wanted to give you some memory tips that I have had to learn. I put notes EVERYWHERE. My favorite place is in my shoes. I'm sure to see them then. Or I will put it on my key ring, ANYTHING. Another thing I read, and I have found it works, is to say what you are trying to remember out loud. Sounds strange, but it does work.

I agree with all the other ladies, you have many great things in your life to live for. I lost a close childhood friend to suicide, and it is absolutely crazy how many lives he had touched, and didn't even know it. Just look for the little things...the smell of your daughters hair, the sound of her laughter, how beautiful that flower you passed was.

Life is scary, and it is damn hard too. You have to do what is best for you, because if you aren't happy, you can't shine your light into other's lives.

Take care sweetie.

Pamela

Image hosted by Photobucket.com