3 Years Tommorow...Triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
3 Years Tommorow...Triggers
5
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 2:03am
On Saturday the 26 of June it will be 3 years since my Father passed away. Sometimes it seems just like yesterday and others times it seems like it has been years. But I have one thing clear in my mind as I did the day we decided to remove him from life support, that is I am a Killer and a Murder. Not a day goes by that I do not think about it, about what I have done and what I am in my eyes. I remember making the decision very clearly going through the motions in my mind. Yes, my mind knows it was the right decision to make but my heart gets torn in pieces everytime I think about it. My Father was very sick and had many things wrong with him and I do know that he is in a better place as they say. I don't wish him back.

I know many of you will not understand what I am feeling unless you have been through what I have, you can't understand.

Right now I do not understand what I am feeling all I know is that I am a Killer and a Murder.

I know I should not be here because I am not wanted here. I do not expect reply post to this in fact I am pretty sure someone will have this post removed. I just needed to put this somewhere. I am sorry to have bother anyone.

Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 8:49am

((((((((((((((((Cathy))))))))))))))))))))


Im sooo sorry about your Dad hun... Anniversary dates never seem to get any easier no matter how long its been.


You are definately wanted here hun.. and Im sending lots of hugs and support your way.. today and always!

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 10:04am
((((((Cathy))))))

Sweetie, I am sending you many gentle hugs. I don't know the story around your father's death, but I think maybe you are being to hard on yourself.

Please take care hun.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 12:26pm
Dear Cathy,

I have been through something similar, so I do know how you feel, at least to some extent. My grandmother had a stroke about 8 years ago and was hospitalized. She couldn't speak or feed herself, and she had always been a vibrant, energetic woman. She kept spitting out the feeding tube, and after about three weeks, my dad and his sister had to decide whether or not to have a tube put directly into her stomach, or to let her spit out the tube and not replace it (essentially a "Do not ressucitate" order). The tube in her stomach could keep her alive for years, unable to move, speak, etc. They agonized over this decision for days, then finally decided to go ahead and have it inserted. However, a couple of days later (a month after her first stroke), she had a second stroke and passed away. I'm telling you this b/c I thank God that I wasn't the one who had to make that decision. My gran was really no longer herself. She sometimes seemed really out of it, but other times she would give me a wry look when an attendant was helping her to get out of bed or into it. It would have been extraordinarily painful to see her go on like that for years, but I guess we all hoped she'd somehow miraculously get better. But at 89, what were the chances?

I don't know if my dad made the right decision, but it was taken out of his hands in the end. There's also no way to know if you made the right decision--it's a terrible situation to be in. I guess the only consolation I can give you is that I know how excruciating it is to have someone's life in your hands and to have to make that decision for them. After all, the only thing we really "own" in our lives is just that--our life. Cathy, you (and your mum I guess) did what seemed best at the time. It is normal to second-guess yourself after making such a major decision, but I am sure you weighed the pros and cons when you did this. Would your dad have wanted to live the way he was? Was he even really alive? What were the chances (realistically) that he would recover? How much harder would it be to see him every day "living" on a machine, but unable to respond to you? Is that even living?

Sweetie, you are not a murderer--if your father was on life-support, it's because he was essentially not alive anymore. If this had been 50 or 100 years ago, you would not even have had a decision to make. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. Of course, this anniversary will be hard--maybe it always will be--but please let go of the guilt and let yourself mourn your loss with sadness, but not guilt. You did not kill him; he died. There's a world of difference there.

Big, big hugs to you, Cathy; please do what you can to take good care of yourself this weekend.

Love, Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 12:26pm
Cathy,

Why would you think that you are not wanted here you are always welcome here please do not think that at all...

I have never been in your shoes when it comes to life support but my personal view is that if I am ever put on life support I do not want my family to keep me on it that is not living at all..life support is for families who can not let go and hun you did let go you let your dad move onto a better place with no wires attached to him and no machines keeping him alive he is free...you should not call yourself a murderer you are not at all you did something many families can not do you did something strong something out of love you are a good person to be honest I would do the same if I am ever in your shoes I would never keep my mom hooked up to those machines....

When a loved one dies and the day comes each year when we are reminded even more so than any other day of the year it is never easy I try to celebrate the time I had with them by going to my favorite spots with them and just thinking about the good times I cry but behind the tears are smiles also....

Please come back to the board you are missed and wanted..

I am sending you hugs and a ton of support.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 7:03am
You are not a killer or murder, you had to make a medical call that this modern world of medicine has put into our hands, just a few years ago we didn't have to make these very wrenching judgements but now with the advent of modern technology in medicine we will be called upon more and more to do this. I understand because I had to make the same call about my father 10 years ago, but I take comfort that my Dad would have wanted to be removed from the machine. That is why I have a Living Will and my children will not have to make that call for me, I wouldn't put anyone I love through anything like that.

I understand.

Linette