weight of the world!!!!!
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 06-26-2004 - 10:23am |
I want to start by thanking all of you for the womderful advice and support from my last post...
I am going to think very hard about how to approach things with Paul..
I know that he has a friend who is bipolar out in California they wused to date many many yearrs ago and are now best friends he told me that she used to take meds but no longer does and seems to be fine without them..so I know that he has some education when it comes to this disease..but I think that I will wait on telling him about me for a while until I know him alot better and know where things are going with this..
As for Jakob well my son has a disorder but we are unsure of what it is yet, when I go out to Arizona and then to California (his shrinkis in Cali) I am going to go in and talk with him about my history and what he thinks is going on with my son I know he has something wrong with him something that can be controlled with medication but he is 6 it hurts, I am on the vere of tears dontknow why I feel so heavy today..but anyways Jakob knows that he is on meds he takes them everyday but they are not helping..so time for a switch..
I think that the next time I see Paul I am going to talk to him about Jakob and if he freaks and runs away then I will know that he was not right for me..*big sigh*
I do not know what happened to me I am so sad today yesterday also I feel heavy and slowand I have so tired for like 2 months now I feel like I am not getting enough sleep I am moving so slow dragging no energy but I make myself move workout get up get dressed talk I refuse to lie down and take this crap...I have a life to live it just sucks living it so tired....
I keep thinking about my sister I AM SO ANGRY there I said it I am angry I want to scream and cry and kick and punch I have burried it inside of me for so lo g that I want to explode now I try to tell myself that it doesnt bother me I love my sister I want to talk with her so bad but she wont she talks to luis he lives with her she hangs out with him but god forbid she get mad at him and yell at him like she did to me god forbid she write him off like she did to me why huh!! why did she write me off and not him is it because she can have sex with luis that is why she wont write him off...god for freakin bid she try to hear me out I swear to god that if I ever see luis at all on the street in his car wherever I will kill him I know I would attack him and when I loose it I black out ...
I know that I will never have my sister back in my life I know that she never wants to see or speak to me again I know I messed up I know I betrayed her I know all of that but what about him what about him threatening me she sided with im on that one and she was right there when he threatened me I did nothing wrong but somehow it is always my fauly...what about him cornering me as I was getting out of the shower (I was in my bathrobe ) what about him comming into my room when I was trying to get dressed to go out and he cornered me what about him asking me to go out with him but not tell my sister about it I told him to back off all those time I told him no all those times but does my sister want to hear it NO!!!
Okay enough of my rant sorry...
I am angry today and sad..
I have to go and scream
Erin

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Erin))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am glad that you admitted you are angry at your sister you are right she should listen to both sides of the story.
I'm glad that you are getting mad about the thing with Luis and your sister. Yes, you did betray her, but it was at a time before they were even seriously dating. Once she got serious about him, you backed right off. He was the one that kept pursuing it and trying to push you into it when you didn't want to have anything to do with it. I remember how you described it at the time that you were going through it.
The guy is clearly a creep. It was clear that he was a creep even last fall when you described the situation here on the board. The thing that you should try to keep in mind is that your sister has as many issues with not being loved as you do. Your dad abandoning the two of you has affected her as much as it has affected you. You may have been the one who every labels as having emotional problems, but that's just a red herring. You sister has such a need to feel wanted by a man that she is willing to put up with someone who was cruel to her sister and who deliberately tried to separate her from her sister. Why do you think that he told her about how he slept with you? Don't you think that she was upset with how he treated you, so he wanted to make her think that you weren't worth her love? He probably told it like you seduced him. The guy is a creep. I'm sad that your sister can't see through him to his destructive, manipulative agenda.
Sweetie, you have gotten free of the patterns that you had that kept you frozen in the face of Luis's advances. You have gained self-respect that you never before had. You have learned to set boundaries that you never before had. Heck, you learned to set them last fall when you finally told that guy to back off. Your sister is still in a dysfunctional relationship with a disloyal, manipulative person. She is still willing to put up with someone who doesn't care about her feelings, just so that she can have a man. That's how much your father's rejection hurt her sense of self-worth.
You never know what will happen in the future. People can learn. People can forgive. I've known people who have done things like this. You aren't the only one, by a long shot.
I'm sorry that you are still so tired. Do you think that it has to do with how you stopped taking the diet pills? That stuff drains you adrenal glands by making them work overtime. It's like going off of high does of coffee, or low doses of cocaine. You were taking stimulants for a long time. Now your body is recovering. It can take awhile for your body to get back into balance.
Have you had your thyroid checked? I just mentioned this in another post. My mom was always a high energy person. Then suddenly her energy went south and she spend all of her spare time sleeping. The doctor's couldn't figure it out. After a year, someone gave her a thyroid blood test. Turns out that she had a very burned out thyroid. She's been fine ever since she's been taking thyroid medication. Thyroid stuff apparently runs in my family. It's more common than you'd think.
I'm going through a down time right now, as well. Actually posting tonight has been helping. It makes me feel like I can be useful. Ever since Wednesday when I saw that good friend of mine who had cut me out of her life, I have been really down. I feel so hurt, angry, and unappreciated. I was such a good friend to her. I never did anything to her. I know that she is kind of out-of-control in her life, but I really thought she was a more caring person than that.
Hang in there, Girl. I know that it's been a really tough year. Just know that you have worked hard. I've never seen anyone grow so much in such a short time. You have been a major inspiration to me!
Love,
MariaC
Hugs,
Rose
Keep being strong. And I agree that the diet pills probably just exhausted your reserves and you just need to build them up again. REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO HAVE ENERGY FOR JAKOB!
LOVE AND HUGS ERIN
I am having a bit of an emotional moment right now, but I at least wanted to send you some hugs of support.
((((((((((Erin))))))))))
Pamela