A Hurting Mother (triggs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
A Hurting Mother (triggs)
12
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 7:29am
This past week has been crushing, my 24 year old son has been on a drinking and drug spree with the help of his friends, I have to take him back and forth to his job because we will not help him get a car because I am scared he will drive drunk (he has in the past) I just knew he would lose his job when I dropped him of at work because he was so high but he didn't but I'm sure if he keep this up it will just be a matter of time. I have tried so hard to help him and nothing I seem to say or do helps, when I confronted him about the drug use he called me named I could not repeat here on this board, he refuses to get help. I tracked down the person that was selling the drugs to him and asked him not to do this again, this man is very rough and could be dangerous but I felt like I needed to try and cut off his supply. God help me! This is so hard, I feel like my life is over and I am just going through the motions of living, I can't talk to anyone about all this because I don't want to be burden anyone with my problems because everyone has problems of their own to bear. I have a husband and another son age 11 that I feel like I don't enjoy and love like I should because I am so very unhappy, I went to a doctor and told her so much more than I could ever type on this board and she told me that I was in for this kind of behavior from him for many years to come, I don't know if I can handle it, I love this son so much and now he like a stranger to me, I tried to be a loving mother and tried to be a good example to him about treating people right, paying your bills on time, working hard for what you want and being on time when you have a job to go to, he doesn't act like he was taught any of that and plus he has no respect for me or his dad. My heart is broken and my life will never be the same.

Linette

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Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 10:41am
Linette~

My heart goes out to you. You have obviously tried to do the right thing over the years, and it must seem like it was a waste of time and effort. All I can say is that from what I know, drugs can make a person forget everything except the drug itself. It's not your fault he ended up like this, and unfortunately, you can't make him stop. It's his call. As a mother, I can only imagine how wrenching this would be: you want to save your baby, but you can't. I guess I can only suggest doing what you can to take care of yourself, your husband and your other son, and just hope that your older one eventually sees that he needs help.

I wish I could help you, Linette, but know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending you strength.

~Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 12:55pm

(((((((((((((((((((Linnette, )))))))))))))))))))))


I know how hard it can be to watch a child do things to themselves that just tear you up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 5:49pm
Linette, Know my thoughts and prayers are with you. My first thought is to say maybe it's time to let him go and make his own mistakes, but as a mother of two boys i do not know that I could do that either. Is there any way you can get him into a treatment program? I wish I had the magic answer for you. Know that we are here if you need to vent. Hugs and Prayers, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 9:29pm
Your kind words are appreciated thank you for taking time out of your full & busy life to think of me and send to me a message of encouragement.

Linette

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 9:41pm
I will put these sights you put on your reply to me on my favorites, thank you soooo much for your kind words for me.

Linette

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 9:47pm
I have tried to get him to go into treatment but he refuses and because he is an adult I cannot force him into one if he doesn't see the need to go. God Bless you for sending a message to me and I did need to vent, I have been trying to get my courage up to do so for several days and I am glad I did, you all caring helps me to know I am not alone, because this subject is something I can't really talk about with very many people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 10:00am
None of this is yor fault you did all that you could to raise your son right all of what he is doing is his decision...you did nothing wrong..

When I wa a teenager I was so bad to my mom I treated her badly but I wont get into that she wasnt exactly very nice to me growing up..

I drank ALOT I did ALOT of drugs I would take LSD and then go to school and trip my way through class..I was to the point where I was taking LSD everyday for almost a year along with Extacy and pot and cocaine I was in a very bad place in my life and a year ago I finally stopped using cocaine and have been very good about staying as far away from it as possible I used the drugs and alcohol to numb myself from what I was feeling inside and I have a feeling that your son is doing the same thing...

When things got really bad for me I turned to whatever would numb me sex,drugs drinking you name it I did it just so I would not feel...

I wish I could tell you what to do how to handle your son...and I know that it is tearing you up inside this is just a thought and please do not take this the wrong way but have you thought about having him arrested...I know that in some cities they will put you in rehab if you are arrested or maybe have an intervention I know that he is too old for you to force him into rehab,,,

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain, and I hope that one day very soon he will come to his senses and stop what he is doing to himself

I wish you and your family the best of luck..

Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:14pm
Erin, thank you for sharing with me the experience you had about your problems with drugs and drinking and the emotional pain you were feeling. It gives me hope that you got the courage to stop, you should be very proud of yourself for that courage because so many never find it.

My son has been in jail twice for DUI (friends got him out) but neither time there was not a program in place for him, I did manage to get him to go to a couple of AA meetings but he was so angry at the time he didn't listen to a word that was spoken there and told me so when we got into the car and told me I was wasting my time. I love him very much and I can't help but rewind time in my mind as to what went wrong, the face that I kissed everyday as a child still looks like my son but the child I raised and thought I knew went out the door one day and didn't return. I could accept that he if he would just be good to himself and take good care of himself, I am so scared as to what might happen to him.

Please pray or send a good thought for him, and God Bless you for taking the time to share this with me.

Linette

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 9:57am
(((Linette)))

Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear about your son. My ex is into drugs and alcohol as well (that is a huge part of why we aren't together anymore) and it is so hard to watch someone you love wreck their life.

My mom is an alcoholic - she has been sober...well it's gonna be two years on July 15. And the hardest thing about alcohol/drug addicts is that you can't do anything about it. You have to totally watch the person you love hit rock bottom, and hope that they can climb back out again.

It is important that you be there for your son, he really needs that.

Have you tried to go to AlAnon or anything like that? Those kinds of groups really are a great help. There are a lot of books out there too, and I believe that knowledge of a situation is power.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:13am


When I was doing drugs and drinking...I was not doing it to hurt my family or friends I was doing it to hurt myself..but in the end you end up hurting your family..but the pain I was in was far more greater than the pain that my family was in...

Alcoholism runs in my family my dad is one my grandmother was one..so does abuse mental and phsical, I got lucky with no bruses, but emotionally that is where I got hit from my mom and my dad...that is why I am the way I am now that is why I drank I am not saying that you have done that to your son so please do not think that....

I bet that there is something so deep in your son that is eating at him that is making him feel so much pain that he can not bear to live withit or think about it...and that is why he numbs himself...I needed to be numb from the pain and I got so used to being numb that when I finally did stop I still couldnt feel anything in the past few months is when I started to feel again...and it is scary and I am afraid but I know in time I will be okay..

Jail huh...Jail does nothing good for anyone it does not rehabilitate you it just makes you a better criminal thats all, the jail systems are so bad they do nothing to help you become a contributing member of society at all...too bad you can not admit your son into rehab...I know that you can talk to a lawyer and see if you can find your son unfit to take care of himself to make rational decisions on his own and have a judge turn all his rights over to you and then you can have him put into rehab..just something to think about...

you will be in my thoughts, I was where your son is and I am okay now I am sure he will be okay also I just wish my mom saw what you see when I was where he is now maybe then I would not have gone thru what I did so I commend you for what you are doing and for how much you love your son..

Erin

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