I don't know how to go on....(triggers)
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| Mon, 06-28-2004 - 10:21am |
My marriage is over. We've had problems for awhile, but the depression has definitely played havoc on it. He has been physically abusive (just me not my children, ever!!)on a regular basis in the past and the last 2 yrs it's changed to a couple times a year and I usually know up to a week before it's going to happen. There has been so much arguing going on on a daily basis. I've been up and leaving and going off on my own to sit in my car and be by myself.
I'm hurting so bad. I know that I have to leave, but I just don't think I'm strong enough to get through the initial part of leaving and the separation. The girls will not be coming my oldest is working and will be going back to university in the fall and my youngest 14yrs doesn't want to leave her friends. I'm feeling like such a failure as a mom, by leaving, but I know in my heart that if I don't they won't have a mom anyways. I just pray that I can get through all of this pain and hurt until I leave (middle of July) and then maybe things will start to change for the better. I have to be honest and I know it's negative thinking, but part of me just doesn't think there is any hope for me. All of my hopes and dreams are gone. I'm almost 34 yrs old and I wanted to have the happy marriage and family life, my dd's were both born by the time I was 19yrs and I really wanted the chance to have more children, but that is definitely gone. This is something that I wanted more than anything in the world aside from the health of my 2 dd's I already have.
I'm rambling, but I just don't know how to get through the days. My mom passed away 5 yrs ago and I hurt every bit as bad right now if not worse than I did then and that nearly killed me. I feel like I'm going to a funeral everyday. I'm losing someone I had in my life for just over 20yrs (16 yrs married) even though he was mean to me and treated me terrible there were a few nice times and it's just so hard.
I'm rambling so I better stop now, so sorry to type so much and I'm sure it probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
I need someone or something to get me through the day. I just don't know who or what!
Thanks for taking the time to read this!
Take Care,
Ellen

Gotta go--there's a battle going on here.
Love, Nicola
I am sorry to hear about you losing your house sweetie.
But I do think getting out of your marriage is an important step in the right direction. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. I can relate to loving someone who doesn't treat you the best.
When my parents split when I was in grade nine, I did what your 14 year old is doing, somewhat. I didn't want to leave my home, my horse, etc. So I stayed with my dad. Now, my mom wasn't leaving town or anything, so that is different, but I can remember how scary a time that is when you parents are splitting up.
Sorry I can't offer any great advice, but I just wanted to send you some hugs, okay?
Take care of yourself sweetie.
We are always here to listen, to be a shoulder to lean on, and to lend an ear.
Pamela
((((((((((((((((((((((((Ellen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sweetie, I so understand.
Sorry I didn't want to make this long, I just wanted to thank those of you who took the time to let me know that I have people out there who care about me.
Thanks so much!!
Take Care,
Ellen
Oh Ellen sweetie!
Im sorry I didnt see this post sooner!
*hugs
Things have gone from really bad to even worse. DH knows I'm leaving and there was verbal and physical abuse. I was called everything from a slut/whore to a no good for nothing bitch. I ended up with 2 good size bruises, one on the upper part of my leg and the other on my backside. This is just more than I can handle. I had to call his father to come over (very embarrassing when you can't contain it to staying behind closed doors, even though I know that's not the right way to go about it) I didn't want to call my brother or step father because I worried there would be a fight and I can't handle that on top of everything else and neither can the girls. I've got them settled in at my step father's and I'm at my SIL's for the night. I've most everything packed and it looks like I'll be leaving sooner than expected. My family is very worried that DH is going to do something to really hurt me or worse. Deep down I believe that too.
This is just so hard. The pain is unbearable and with the depression and everything else going on I just don't know if I'll get through this.
Thanks for replying and it's so nice to have a place to vent and know there are people who really care about me. I will try to let you guys know just before I leave because I won't be near a computer for 1 to 1 1/2 weeks.
Thanks again for caring!!
Take Care, Ellen
((((((((((((((((((((((Ellen))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am sending a guardian angel to hold you safe and close during the next few months.
(((((((((((((((Ellen)))))))))))))))))
Im soo glad you are getting out of there and please find some place SAFE to stay.. I know they are out there!
If you arent around at the boards for a bit thats ok... it means you are somewhere safe and doing something to make things better for you and that is what we want most!
Take care hun! I will be thinking of you!
*hugs
*hugs
Linette