I don't know how to go on....(triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
I don't know how to go on....(triggers)
9
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 10:21am
My life just keeps getting worse and worse on top of my battle with depression. At least once every month something terrible happens. I just found out that I am going to lose my home. The place that I love and feel comfortable. My DH hasn't worked at a steady job for over 2 years and I've been off on Long Term Disability (paid, but at a lower rate than normal) and that's what we've mainly been living on this past year. The bills have been getting backed up for some time, but with the way I've been feeling I left the bills in his hands because I literally couldn't handle them. I fight everyday to stay on this earth for my girls and just can't handle anymore. Anyways to make a long story short my house will be auctioned off the middle of July. I have realized that I have to get out of hear (I know it sounds like I'm running away, but if I don't leave I will not be here on this earth........to be honest I'm not positive that leaving is going to help either, but right now it's the only backup plan I have.) I'm going to my dad's in Alberta, my brother lives out there too!

My marriage is over. We've had problems for awhile, but the depression has definitely played havoc on it. He has been physically abusive (just me not my children, ever!!)on a regular basis in the past and the last 2 yrs it's changed to a couple times a year and I usually know up to a week before it's going to happen. There has been so much arguing going on on a daily basis. I've been up and leaving and going off on my own to sit in my car and be by myself.

I'm hurting so bad. I know that I have to leave, but I just don't think I'm strong enough to get through the initial part of leaving and the separation. The girls will not be coming my oldest is working and will be going back to university in the fall and my youngest 14yrs doesn't want to leave her friends. I'm feeling like such a failure as a mom, by leaving, but I know in my heart that if I don't they won't have a mom anyways. I just pray that I can get through all of this pain and hurt until I leave (middle of July) and then maybe things will start to change for the better. I have to be honest and I know it's negative thinking, but part of me just doesn't think there is any hope for me. All of my hopes and dreams are gone. I'm almost 34 yrs old and I wanted to have the happy marriage and family life, my dd's were both born by the time I was 19yrs and I really wanted the chance to have more children, but that is definitely gone. This is something that I wanted more than anything in the world aside from the health of my 2 dd's I already have.

I'm rambling, but I just don't know how to get through the days. My mom passed away 5 yrs ago and I hurt every bit as bad right now if not worse than I did then and that nearly killed me. I feel like I'm going to a funeral everyday. I'm losing someone I had in my life for just over 20yrs (16 yrs married) even though he was mean to me and treated me terrible there were a few nice times and it's just so hard.

I'm rambling so I better stop now, so sorry to type so much and I'm sure it probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

I need someone or something to get me through the day. I just don't know who or what!

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Take Care,

Ellen

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 1:11pm
Ellen, taking care of yourself is the right thing to do. You may find that your younger one will want to be with you after you leave. They may not understand right now what is going on with you, but someday they will. Judging by what you say about your husband's abusiveness, I would think that plays a huge role in your depression. I hope you will be able to convince your 14 y/o to join you, but even if you can't, I do hope you will go. I know AB is a long way from NS, but at least you'll still be on this earth for them.

Gotta go--there's a battle going on here.

Love, Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 2:55pm
((((((Ellen))))))

I am sorry to hear about you losing your house sweetie.

But I do think getting out of your marriage is an important step in the right direction. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. I can relate to loving someone who doesn't treat you the best.

When my parents split when I was in grade nine, I did what your 14 year old is doing, somewhat. I didn't want to leave my home, my horse, etc. So I stayed with my dad. Now, my mom wasn't leaving town or anything, so that is different, but I can remember how scary a time that is when you parents are splitting up.

Sorry I can't offer any great advice, but I just wanted to send you some hugs, okay?

Take care of yourself sweetie.

We are always here to listen, to be a shoulder to lean on, and to lend an ear.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 8:36pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((Ellen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Sweetie, I so understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 1:31pm
Thank you so much for your replies. It's been so awful the past few weeks and I just don't know where I'm going to get anymore strength to get through the next phase of my life. I don't have anymore resources to draw from, I've got nothing left inside except for frustration, anger and hurt and none of those are going to be of any help to me.

Sorry I didn't want to make this long, I just wanted to thank those of you who took the time to let me know that I have people out there who care about me.

Thanks so much!!

Take Care,

Ellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 7:31pm

Oh Ellen sweetie!


Im sorry I didnt see this post sooner!

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 9:22pm
Thank you Caly!! I'm so happy for you. It gives me a little hope that I might actually be happy some day!

Things have gone from really bad to even worse. DH knows I'm leaving and there was verbal and physical abuse. I was called everything from a slut/whore to a no good for nothing bitch. I ended up with 2 good size bruises, one on the upper part of my leg and the other on my backside. This is just more than I can handle. I had to call his father to come over (very embarrassing when you can't contain it to staying behind closed doors, even though I know that's not the right way to go about it) I didn't want to call my brother or step father because I worried there would be a fight and I can't handle that on top of everything else and neither can the girls. I've got them settled in at my step father's and I'm at my SIL's for the night. I've most everything packed and it looks like I'll be leaving sooner than expected. My family is very worried that DH is going to do something to really hurt me or worse. Deep down I believe that too.

This is just so hard. The pain is unbearable and with the depression and everything else going on I just don't know if I'll get through this.

Thanks for replying and it's so nice to have a place to vent and know there are people who really care about me. I will try to let you guys know just before I leave because I won't be near a computer for 1 to 1 1/2 weeks.

Thanks again for caring!!

Take Care, Ellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 10:00pm

((((((((((((((((((((((Ellen))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I am sending a guardian angel to hold you safe and close during the next few months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 8:09am

(((((((((((((((Ellen)))))))))))))))))


Im soo glad you are getting out of there and please find some place SAFE to stay.. I know they are out there!


If you arent around at the boards for a bit thats ok... it means you are somewhere safe and doing something to make things better for you and that is what we want most!


Take care hun! I will be thinking of you!

*hugs

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 5:08pm
Ellen, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You take care of yourself because you can't be a mother if you leave this Earth. Going home is the first step to getting yourself together and go forward from there, your 14 will always be your daughter, don't look at this as forever, this is just a step in rebulding your life, I'm sure she knows you love her and you will always be her mother, but for right now you have got to let yourself heal, and gather strength. God Bless you and let us know how things go for you.

Linette