I'm gonna take a break for a while.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
I'm gonna take a break for a while.....
2
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 4:24pm
I want to start off by thanking everyone who replied to my post about the weight of the world on me right now..thank you ladies so much for the kind words of support and encouragement I appreciate it all so much words cn not define how you all made me feel....

I need to take a break for a bit, I have sat here since 9am and it is now 4pm and I have read every post and have tried to respond but I just can not get the words to come out at all..and I feel horroble because I want to so badly respond to others posts but I just cant and it is so horrible because I have the thought in my head of what to say but the words just dont leave my head...

I read from the new posters here and I can so relate to what they are going thru withthemselves and with loved ones I know howstressful it is when you feel so bad but you have to pick yourself up for the sake of your family and how situations can be so harmful and make you feel worse...so to all the new posters my heart goes out to you...

Ever since I actually wrote about how angry I am about my sister I just slipped a bit backwards it is like admitting how upset I am with her and with Luis braught back my saddness I want to just cry but I cant cause I am at work but I can not smile or laugh or fake any of it so I just sit and not talk at all..I never thought that actually putting into words how I feel about my sister and luis would do this to me maybe I should have just kept in all inside, I am still angry and all weekend I thoughn of ways to ruin Luis' life things that I could do to him to make him feel the same hurt and pain that I feel, and I will find something that is what scares me the most about myself is that I have hate in me that boils and explodes and is destructive and very bad, I dont get it this hate I am not a bad person but I dont know I just can not help it....I swear I want to kill Luis not that I would but I dontknow I just wish he would dissapear out of my sisters life for good and have her see how horrible he is...

and to top it all off Paul was supposed to go and see the fireworks with me on friday he got an invite to go to boston I told him he should go to boston he csounded excited about it but said he didnt want to hurt my feelings I told him that it would hurt my feelings more if he stayed here with me when he really didnt want to..I am sad though I really wanted to spend that time with him, and now he is talking about maybe moving to California, see what I meant when I said that I did not want to let my walls down I started to drop a little of my wall and now I wish I didnt cause it hurts you know I like this guy he is sweet and smart and nice and funny and just a good person..and the second I drop a little of my wall this crap happens..I am sad over that I am sad over so much......

That is why I am gonna take a small break try to get my head togethercause right now it isnt so good...I really need my therapist right now there is so much I have to talk about on wednesday..

I am gonna get myself together and come back here once I know I can be useful..

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 4:55pm
(((Erin)))

Do whatever you have to do to take care of YOU.

I'll be thinking of you sweetie.

Pamela

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Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 6:47pm
Dear Erin,

I am so sorry that things are going badly for you; you were doing so well just a little while ago, and I'm sure you will get there again. I have been feeling very down lately, too, and I also read a lot of the posts (incl. yours) but can't get the energy together to reply. It must be so hard for you to deal with your son having a problem, perhaps like yours. But as you say, he will get better once the doc finds the right meds. As for Paul, it would be sad if he moved away, but aren't you thinking of moving down to Arizona anyway? Or maybe he's thinking of moving in a few years, and you could go too. Or maybe it's just a dream of his. Really, you don't know, so try not to anticipate the worst (says me--the worst person for doing that!). You also say that your sister will never be a part of your life again, but that may not be true. Considering what Luis did to you, I doubt he'll be faithful to her forever, at which point she may come to her senses. In any case, it's up to her, not you: you can't make a relationship happen on your own, you *both* have to want it again. I know it's hard to let go, but sometimes it's the only thing you can do.

All that said, I hope you will take the time to get better yourself. You do whatever you need to get back to feeling well. You are a lovely person and I hope you will realize that again.

Big hugs to you,

Nicola