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| Mon, 06-28-2004 - 11:34pm |
So I called the psychologist here and answered her basic questions...I said that I've been depressed for many years and have tried meds and therapy before...and I think the situation maybe seemed a little overwhelming to her. Well, maybe overwhelming isn't the right word...I guess it was just obvious to her that I have a chronic problem that a few therapy sessions probably won't fix.
So instead of making an appointment for me to have an assessment with her, she told me to see the doctor here and discuss my situation, see if meds might help first. In our short conversation, though, I didn't have a chance to explain that more meds are really not an option for me since I've been on all of them (and I do take some low doses now of two).
I did make an appointment to see the doctor (since I need to get a prescription refilled anyway)...but I'm not sure if I should keep it. I've been through this all before many times, and several doctors have told me that my case is so complicated I'd have to see a psychiatrist (and one doctor even suggested ECT). And I don't know if counseling would be basically futile now.
On the other hand, my parents and former therapist did urge me to find a counselor here just in case things get very bad again. And for the past few weeks, things have really seemed to go downhill...although I don't feel quite as desperate now, I still don't feel any compelling reason to live. Maybe a lot of it was just PMS...but I don't think there is much I can do about that either (birth control pills give me migraines).
I guess I've told you all this story before...sorry again for my taking up your time... you have no idea how bad I've felt about not being there for other people when they need support. But as always, you guys are such a great help to me that I try to overcome my guilt and ask for advice again...I just have nowhere else to turn.
I would ask my mom what to do...but my parents just moved to another state, and I know my saying that I'm considering therapy would have my mom very worried...at one point last year, she told my therapist that she was thinking about putting off the move because she was concerned about me. Talk about feeling guilty!
Thanks again so much for caring, and as always, I could use any advice you have to give,
Rose

I read all your posts and I feel for you. I haven't replied b/c I feel like I have too much to say and I don't have the energy to respond properly. But here goes...
You have taken a huge step in your life; not only have you moved to a new state, you are (I think) starting med school, which will be a major undertaking. I posted a month or so ago--I don't know if you read it b/c it was just before you moved. Anyway, it was mostly about how you can always change your mind if things don't work out for you. You don't *have* to stick with something that doesn't work just because you committed to it at one time. Take it from me: I have three degrees--Bachelors' in Journalism and Education, and a Master's in Media Literacy (kind fo a combo). I've worked as an editor and a teacher, and now I'm 37 and I still don't have a steady job b/c I keep changing what, and consequently where, I teach. But still, I'm happier with every change I make. Anyway, point being, if part of your depression is due to fear that you have made the wrong decision, you can change your mind. But I often find that the anticipation of an event is scarier than the reality, so maybe once you start school, you'll feel better.
Also, you said that work was slow right now, so I guess that's giving you more time to think, which may be part of the problem, lol! Can you busy yourself with other things? I know you are an artist; have you been taking time for your art? Maybe alone or with other people in a class, which would give you a chance to meet like-minded people. How about getting a membership to a museum? I'm just trying to think of some activities that would keep you busy and get you out of the house.
Okay, as for the therapist, I think it would be a good idea to have an initial meeting w/ the school counsellor. Even if you're feeling okay right now, it wouldn't hurt to build up some kind of basic relationship in case you have a crisis. At that point, you won't want to have to tell her all your history, so maybe you could see her now and get it out of the way. Would it be possible for you to see a psychiatrist? Do you think you need that? My brother saw a psychiatrist/pharmacologist who really knew all about drugs and various combos, more than most psychs. This may be an option for you. You may have access to this kind of specialist at a university (there are two big universities with med schools in my city, so we have access to a lot of drs that wouldn't be available everywhere).
I used to have terrible, terrible PMS, to the point that I would get suicidal for a couple of days before my period. I've been okay since I've been on Celexa. However, one thing that worked when I had mild PPD after my DD was born was to take a Vitamin B complex, which helps to regulate hormones. I started w/ 50 mcg, but after a week it hadn't helped, so I took 100 mcg in a timed-release tablet. This really helped enormously. I've also heard that evening primrose oil can help w/ hormones (it increases progesterone, so is not safe in pregnancy), but I didn't find it helped me, although I do have low progsterone.
I don't know if any of this will help you, but I am glad you are feeling at least a bit better. You are such a lovely person, Rose, and it is a pleasure to "know" you. You will make a real difference to the world in your life, I am sure of it. So there's your compelling reason to live, Missy!!! You would deprive us all if you weren't around.
Love to you,
Nicola
I'm not sure how much of my depression comes from worries about whether med school is right for me. I really admire your ability to change jobs and improve with each change...as bad as I know this is, I have my mind set that if I don't make it through med school, I'll be a total failure as a person. And honestly, I don't even know if med school is what I want to do...but there isn't anything else I want to do, either (guess that's maybe related to my many years of not enjoying anything).
Work is definitely extremely slow now, but I do read throughout the day...mostly textbooks vaguely related to my job (in neuroscience)...still, at the end of each day I don't feel that I've accomplished anything. Thank you for remembering that I like art... I've tried to take a few rolls of film lately (I've only done photography before...not good at drawing, etc.)...but can't find much inspiration, and everything I do seems completely cliche.
Thanks again for your ideas for getting me outside...I will try going to the museum once at least. Usually, though, I've been coming home from work, watching a little TV, taking a nap for a few hours, watching a little more TV, then going back to bed! And a lot of eating in between those things. As I've posted before, though, I really do seem to need 12 hours of sleep a day...I can only force myself through a few days on 8 hours sleep before I start nodding off everywhere I go. And if I know one thing about med school, it's that you definitely aren't going to get 12 hours of sleep a day!
But I guess you never know how much that's related to depression, too (although in my case, it's persisted even when I felt better)...so I am trying to make the effort to stay awake more. All that sleep doesn't leave much time for exercise, either...so I'm constantly unhappy with how I look and my lack of "achievement" in that area (my boss is preparing for a marathon, so that makes me feel really lazy!).
OK, wow, I'm going on and on. To answer your questions, though...I have an appointment with the school physician tomorrow, but not the therapist...I'm not sure whether or not I could use psychiatric help, but I doubt it because of my many experiences with it in the past. Your idea about telling a therapist here my history sounds good...that's just what my former therapist suggested, so that my first visit wouldn't be in a crisis situation.
I never really realized that I even have PMS until lately (after I came off birth control pills)...just like you, these past two months, I've been literally suicidal for about a week before my period. And now, strangely enough, I am back to not caring whether I live (still have frequent thoughts about death, though), which I guess is a step up from being actively suicidal! I'll try your suggestion of taking a B-vitamin complex.
You've been a huge help, Nicola, so thank you very very much...although I honestly feel like I would be doing the world a favor by disappearing, I really appreciate your kind words, and maybe one day I will believe them...and if you ever wonder about your own worth, you can know that you really helped another person (me!) one day.
Thanks again,
Rose
Okay, one more thing. The only way to decide if you really want to be a doctor is to try it. If your field is neurology, you're obviously very intelligent, so there would be no shame in deciding that that is not the way you want to go. If you decide you don't want to practise, you could always go into research and do a lot of good that way. My brother's ex-gf is currently doing her post-doc at Harvard. She had also considered a career as a doctor, but decided to do research into heart transplants instead. She ended up working on a new procedure that helped to save her father's life! Imagine how satisfying that would be--and she didn't need an MD after name to do it ("just" a PhD, lol). I know it can be hard to let go of your own expectations of yourself. Believe me, I come from a very successful family, and I often feel like a loser b/c I'm a teacher and not making lots of money, or making a large-scale difference to society, or both. I keep thinking I should do my PhD and publish fabulous studies that will be remembered forever, esp. when I run into people who recognize my last name and ask if I'm related to my grandfather (a very well known ob/gyn, as it happens, who did research that's still taught in med schools to this day). I won't lie and say it's easy to just go with your heart, but Rose, it is *worth* it. All anyone around you wants is for you to be *happy*--unless of course that involves shooting up heroin or some such thing *w*. Seriously, as a mother, I want my children to grow up feeling confident and to enjoy their lives; I don't care if they don't have a fabulous career as long as they are doing what they want.
Anyway, I've gone on long enough!
Take care of yourself,
Nicola
I have tried cognitive-behavioral therapy before, for over a year...and while it did help some (and I still try to use techniques from it today), finally I and my most recent therapist realized that it didn't seem to work well for me. My therapist thought that, because I've been depressed for so long, I'm not able to believe the "rational" or positive responses to situations...I think that is pretty accurate. I've also read the "Feeling Good" book...thank you for the suggestion...I agree that it's a good book for CBT.
I can relate when you say it may not be chemical in your case because meds haven't helped. For me, I guess I wasn't completely clear...one or two of the meds I've tried did help some, but the side effects were unbearable. And I keep forgetting, but the supplement I take now (5-HTP) makes a big dent in my feelings of emptiness...but still, of course, I have been getting depressed, so I know it's not all chemical.
It's strange, sometimes I can distinguish between a feeling of "biological" depression and one of "psychological" depression, if that's even possible...I guess I just mean that I can tell sometimes if I will be able to use my mind to get myself out of a hole, or if my brain is just too off-balance for that to work. Maybe that's just a result of my many years of dealing with this problem.
Thanks also for your thoughts on my future career...I hope I will find something that I like and that I am able to do within the realm of medicine. And if not, I guess I will try to find a field that fits me better. That's really cool about your brother's ex-gf...maybe I will find that I like research...but unfortunately, so far I've really disliked it...and now I'm beginning to dislike even being around people...so....?!
I'm glad to hear that you want only for your kids to be happy...my parents have said the same thing before, but still I know that they have high expectations for me...and I have them for myself as well. Of course, I know that being a doctor isn't necessarily "better" than being anything else...and I don't know whether I'm following my heart or not...but maybe I'll find out soon. If only I could find a career that would help me enjoy life and feel confident...but that seems nearly impossible for me.
Again, thank you so much for taking time to write to me...I really appreciate it,
Rose