ever wonder what happened to YOU!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
ever wonder what happened to YOU!!!!
3
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 1:58pm


I am finally going to therapy tonight god I can not wait to go there it has been nearly three weeks but feels like forever..not cause I havent wanted to go but because of conflicting scheduals so tonight I go and I know I am going to talk my btt off so much to say in such a short amount of time....

and in 13 more days til I see my angel face cant wait cant wait cant wait........

the reason for my heading is I sit and wonder where I went where is the person that I used to be the one who was full of life now I am mellow the one who spoke with alot of intelegence now I act like I am stupid.the one who laughed in the face of defeat now I cry and get frustrated and angry and worried and I could go on and on but I wont I keep replaying a conversation that I had with my sister a few months ago maybe in January I aksed her where my sister went she told me she was right here but I didnt honestly see my sister n front of me I saw a stranger then shesays she wonders where HER sister went and well I got quiet and said I do not know..

I am such a shell of the person that I once was I always had bauts of saddness and bauts of happiness and hyperness and well it got scary for many many years where I didnt know which way I was going and now well because of my meds I am just so blah too calm at times..

I just want me back is that too much to ask...

I am so odd I know I am I get these thoughts in my head I obsess over things I have now started to obsess over Paul if I do not hear from him I start to think that he doesnt like me anymore I do not like it when someone gets in my head hence the walls so I have stopped obsessing over jon and moved onto paul I am scary Really I am...

I hate the fact that I hate myself that I am my own worst enemy that I take these diet pills that I tried to not pick me apart but I failed I have started again..I fight the hunger back drink a ton of water to fill me up try to not eat I know it is bad but it is so stuck in my head to be a certain way that I can not seem to think any differently..

I feel like a bad friend my best friend Sareen states that she was molested as a child by a neighbor to be honest I do not think it happened her and I were never apart growing up was basically lived at each others house so she talks about it all the time I could say how warm it is out and she says ya I was molested as a child or if I say I drive a certain way to get home she says oh I go a different way cause I was molested as a child and I have started to roll my eyes never to where she can see me but inside I scream SHUT UP she went to group therapy for it but never ever a one on one thing I am such a bad friend I never tell her to sht up but inside I am screaming...

I scream at myself inside YOUR STUPID YOUR UGLY YOUR FAT YOUR WORTHLESS YOUR UNWORTHY OF LOVE YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER YOU FAILED and so on...

I have this saying that goes there is nothing you can say or do to hurt me that I have not already done to myself..which is true I have damaged myself enough to last a lifetime of others hurtful things and sayings..

but my sister hurt me when she told me I gave up my rights as a mother to Jakob I never gave up my right I never ever would give him Iup I love my baby too much to give him up I did what I thought was right I messed up I know that but I pay each and everyday of my stupid life..

I need to chill..

Sorry I keep harping on the same thing maye my sister was right all I am is a broken record..

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 4:06pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Erin))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I think that the reason you are sitting there wondering these things is because you are an intelligent insightful person who thinks about things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 4:19pm
Hi Erin,

I don't know your story, so I'm not sure of the context of what you say about your sister and your son etc. But I wanted to give you a hug because I can tell you are hurting a lot.

Also, I wanted to comment on your statement about not believing that your best friend was molested because you were there all the time when you were kids. It's amazing, but sometimes kids are molested and don't talk even to their best friends. And there are no clues, even for the grown ups (who should be more observant). So maybe your friend was molested, and in any case, she believes she was. I don't think you are a bad friend for doubting her or being impatient, your response sounds very human. You have your own pain. You don't need hers. However, maybe understanding that in her own way she is hurting and reaching out to you might make you feel less angry at her about it.

Sometimes we get angry at the people we care about when we can't help them. We have so much pain ourselves, how can we possibly deal with theirs? I once was going through a really rough period. I was having trouble with my marriage, a sick child, a career that was getting nowhere, etc. And a person who I relied on to be there for me called me up to tell me of a much greater tragedy in her life. I was angry at her because her problems (her eldest son was hooked on heroin) were greater than mine, yet I still felt miserable about mine. I said all the right things, but inside I was raging, how _dare_ my friend burden me with this when I couldn't help? Sometimes I get angry at my daughter for her depression, for needing medication, for not being happy in spite of all my efforts. How did I fail? Why couldn't _her_ life be all right, so that I could feel that there was one thing that was okay in mine? (Sometimes I get angry at her for legitimate reasons, for not cleaning her room or taking the car out too late. But how can I be sure that my "disappointment" when she doesn't do her chores or stays out too late isn't influenced by my "disappointment" that my lovely, sunny child turned into a sullen teenager?)

I mention all this because it sounds to me as if maybe your sister (and other loved ones) feel that way about you. Maybe they wonder why you aren't happy, to make them feel better. And maybe your friend wants you to acknowledge that her tragedy is greater than yours while you want her to acknowledge that your tragedy is greater, so that is why you are angry. Or maybe you are angry because you were there and couldn't help.

Sometimes it helps me to understand what is going on. It helps me forgive the people who are impatient with me, or who aren't there, or who make demands that I cannot meet. Sometimes it helps me forgive myself.

Because like you I have made choices that I felt I needed to make at the time but which seem in retrospect like betrayals of other people or neglect of my responsibilities. I've said things I shouldn't and I've withheld comfort to people who needed it because I was hurting too much. It is hard to forgive myself, but I figure if I can forgive others, I can try to forgive myself, and pick up life from where it is now.

I don't know if any of these ramblings are any help, but at least I send you a hug.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 9:15pm
What a powerful reminder! I sometimes feel upset when people tell me about things I can't control(and they can't control, but have in their lives) because I know how much I don't tell people...so as not to be a burden to them. But I am family counselor to everyone in the family that talks to me...I have the answers, I have "my head on my shoulders". And they have no clue how bad it is for me...and that makes me angry. Some of it is towards myself..like why didn't I just tell them how bad it is for me? But lots of it is towards them...like they are the only ones who have problems! And they aren't even that bad of problems(ie easily fixed, just a little brian power!)

Erin---

I often wonder where that girl is...is she still hiding in me, playing outside when I pull out my coloring book for relaxation or work on my sticker collection? She had such a wonderful way of being carefree, dancing in the rain and not having a care. I don't dance in the rain anymore...and it's been too long since I've been care-free. I miss her...I think she visits, like I said, but she is more memory than truth anymore. And I don't need anyone to ask me 'where is my sister/daughter/friend?' I know. She's gone to a better place...a place where she can be that way all the time..'cause reality stinks!!

hugs and love.....i'm full of antiscipation for you about seeing your son!