New here with questions. Sorry long....
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| Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:35pm |
I'm 35, married and have one child (2 in August). My 20's were a complete disaster for me. Looking back I was barely functioning for most of the decade, but I was so deeply invested in my family's mission statement, "Just Suck It Up", that I didn't realize it until later. My friends (well, really my brother's friends) knew it because they kept giving me fliers for free depression screenings. I just thought they were being mean.
When I hit 30 things were looking up. I got married, I was working only 1 job and feeling good about everything. The periods of depression that I did I have could attributed directly to depo-provera and I moved on. However, after I had my daughter 2 years ago I had profound ppd. I didn't understand how bad it was until a year later when I agreed to take prozac as an 'experiment'. During the months immediately following her birth I don't even have words to describe the place I was in mentally. I was so focused on death that I was paralyzed with fear. I didn't leave the house unless I had to, and I was positive that a serial killer was constantly lurking in my yard. I wasn't able to have ground floor windows open in spite of soaring temps. My midwife kept telling me it was just normal 'baby blues' and to watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" instead of the news for awhile.
Anyway, I took the prozac with a good deal of success until one day in April when I just got angry about taking so many pills and threw them away along with my pre-natals (still bf'ing) and glucosamine. I did wonder if this was a good idea, but after an initial adjustment I felt good and decided I was fine. I even started to feel silly about ever taking anti-depressants. However, lately (last couple weeks) I've been getting really angry about little things. Its worse than it would be normally because I won't let myself express anger around my child so I walk around feel like a kettle about to boil over. I feel myself slipping both in mood and cognitive function. I don't understand because there's nothing external that I should be upset about. I'm just feeling paranoid and hostile and getting sadder by the day. I'm just so angry at this because I don't feel like I have control.
Now, my questions.....
So, is this the kind of thing you folks have been through? I really can't say I have triggers. I don't think I have external problems right now. I love my husband, child, life in general. I just can't control my mood, and perceptions. I can't remember well or concentrate. I cry about things that don't deserve thought. I dread doing normal things like taking my daughter to the pool in the afternoon.
Everything I read about anti-depressants suggests that if they work for you, then 9 or 10 months should be enough. Why 'relapse' so quickly? I thought depression was supposed to episodal, not chronic. Is that true?
Also, I have 2 uncles who have been diagnosed with bi-polar depression. My own father (their brother) seems like an excellent candidate as well. I understand there is a genetic component to that disorder, and I'm terrified of it. If anyone here has this...How did it start for you? How were you diagnosed? I have reasons other than heredity for asking.
TIA

Hi,
I have BP and so does my brother and father.
CL for The
I do not suffer from depression I have a form of Bipolar disorder called cyclothymic disorder which is rapid cycling it is chronic less severe form of bipolar..like what debbie said to you about the anger thing well I can be the poster child for that I have small espisodes of depression but when I get manic I bounce off the walls get frustrated and angry I basically get every hyped up emotion you can think of but at one time....
I guess for me I was always bipolar looking back now the signs are so clear from when I was growing up but everyone thought I was just a problem child not true now my mom blames herself which she shouldnt this is something she could not have prevented when I got pregnant and gave birth to my son well that just made it come out even more so and just a year ago I went to a shrink and a therpsit and I am on a mood stabilizer called neurontin I like it evens me out a bit but I miss the energy from being manic all the time....
When I was diagnosed I was not afraid I was happy that I finally knew what was going on with me...when a disease like this runs in families there is always a chance tht it can be passed down my dad has a mental illness dont know what he has but Iknow there is something wrong with him..
Try to not be afraid it really isnt something to be afraid of...
I wish you the best at your doctors visit.
Erin
Welcome to the board atomic_girl,
I think one of the things many people don't realize is that there are several types of depression.
The next bout of depression came when I was employeed at a private high school as the cook. It had been 18 or 19 years in between. My boss was a woman who was a lesbian, always touching people, and the boss above her was a man, and he HATED women. So it was a really nice place to work. I loved my job at the school and the kids, but getting along with the male boss was like banging my head against a brick wall. My doctor who had prescribed Prozac fianlly told me that my boss was like a toxin to me. He would throw things, call all us women bitches, tell us to shut the hell up, etc. Going to the office didn't help because once all the workers did decide to do that and the principal told us that the boss was just like a big old teddy bear, and he was just having a bad day. Yeah, he had a bad day for six years?!? When he found out we had talked to the principal, he came and screamed at us. He took away our lunch table and the stools that we would sit on when we had a chance. He removed the chairs from the loading dock which was the only place that we could get any fresh air. The cafeteria had no windows, no ac, and it would consistently be 95* or more in there. He would close the black double doors leading to the hallway so we literally had NO fresh air. We were not allowed any breaks. Yes, it was a great Catholic school to work at. But my co workers became like family and we all supported one another.
So I do know what you are feeling like. Please email me if you would like to talk.