blood is not thicker than water
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| Wed, 06-30-2004 - 6:25pm |
as many of you know, i was physically and verbally abused by my father as a child and he is still a jerk to this day. what you may not know is that my brother started doing the same things to me early on. my brother actually used to beat me up worse than my dad (and not in a sibling rivalry way)- like punch and tear through my door until he got to me and then beat me up i won't go into more detail but it was bad. i always knew that he was such a good kid at heart and was following my father's behavior and eventually he stopped hitting me as did my dad. instead of focusing on their own dysfunction, my family would turn it on to me and call me crazy and tell me i was always dilusional about what was going on around me. i feel like i have grown so much being away from them and i always want to pretend like i have a normal family or i have exaggerated in my head how bad it was but now i see that it was worse if anything.
my brother came into town today to find a job. my dad has been so horrible to him that he has turned into a mess in our hometown and i hoped to help him salvage himself and get out like i did and get away from it and be happy. he said he wanted a job in fitness (even though he has no experience) and i spent hours going online and getting the phone numbers and locations of all of the places i knew of- ones that i had wanted to work in myself and he came up today to look at them. i will shorten the story but from the beginning he was unrealistic and mean- he didn't bring any of the info, didn't know where he wanted to apply or where he wanted to go- wanted me to tell him where to go and sit with him while he applied (and he treated me terrible in little ways the whole time) finally after him getting upset with me for trying to help i said maybe it would be better if he went a few places on his own that were close by and i would tell him how to get there. he freaked out- i thought he was going to hit me- he was unrational and incredibly verbally abusive using everything he has against me and everything people say that hurts him to me as well. it was horrible. when he dropped me off- for my mom's sake- i tried to tell him i would still help him or he should at least go on his own- he told me to get out of his car (with some other words in there not as nice).
he then called me doing the same thing and telling me what a horrible sister and person i am and how i ruined everything for him. i have been crying for over an hour. i had to hide from him that i was not feeling well (because it makes him mad- how abusive is that) and call the doctor in private when the nurse called back and he was on the other line yelling at me and hung up on me (for the 3rd time) when i said i had to take the call. i am not calling him back. he is on his way home and not looking for a job and blaming it on me. i did everything i could- more than i think i should have. and here i am, ill and crying after giving up a sunny day to sit and get yelled at by him. we were supposed to go out to eat with my boyfriend, and i hate that once again i have to tell him something horrible happened related to my family. i hate it for me. i hate my dad and my brother. i think i am a great person and all they want to do is beat me down (no pun intended). i keep thinking they will change, but they don't even think they have problems. i think my brother is too far gone to help. i know how much it hurts my mom and we are so close, but i don't know what else to do i have tried to help my brother above myself and give him and my dad so many chances. i resolved a long time ago not to allow myself to be abused anymore and i am sticking to that. it just hurts. i wish i could have a normal, nice family that loved me and treated me with love and respect. thanks for listening.

I just wanted you to know that you were heard.
I also want you to know that we are here for you.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
I'm so sorry that you went through this awful thing with your brother. As you know, my family is full of crazy, vicious abusers as well. I can completely relate to what you are going through.
Over 8 years ago my sister begged me to get an apartment with her when she was planning to leave her first husband. The day after we moved into our new place she started in with all of the screaming and abuse that my dad had heaped on us growing up. I didn't have the money to get a new place, so I was stuck for the next 3 months as she emotionally abused me every day. That is when I fell back into depression. It took me 6 years to pull myself out.
It's really sad when we know that our siblings are victims of the same abuse we went through. My oldest brother was very abusive as I grew up. He was more physically abusive than my dad was. One time he picked me up (I was 7, he was 18) and threw me across the garage into a door on the other side.
As adults he continued the screaming and threatened to get violent a number of times. I just started avoiding him. After a lot of years he's actually the one person in the family who actually calmed down and stopped going off on me. Now we are pretty close. He's the only one of my siblings that I talk to on a regular basis.
But he had to realize the problem himself. He had to make the changes himself. As you know, we can't change anyone but ourselves. People who choose to continue the cycle of abuse are toxic. I'm so glad that you are taking care of yourself by pulling back from your brother. I know that you love him. I know it's hard to give your energy and love and get only cruely and blame back. As we create a life of kindness and support, being back in the family craziness feels even more extreme. Now we know a better way to live. We see the truth of the cruelty we grew up with. And it's a harsh reality.
I'm so sorry about your brother, sweetie. I'm sure that this is the only way he knows how to cope. However, he sees the kindness you give to him. He could choose to try a different way. You are right on the money to choose to take care of yourself.
I know that your boyfriend will understand and feel for you. Where you come from is just a testament to what you have survived and what an amazing spirit you have to have become the kind, caring person that you are.
My thoughts are with you!
All My Best,
MariaC
You are going to be one amazing counselor someday. If that is what you choose to do with your psychology degree.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Hey Hun,
I had no idea that things were so bad for you growing up, I knoew that your dad was a jerk but I had no idea that you got it from your dad and brother..I am so sorry..I am sending you gentle cyber hugs a million of them..
I think that the best thing for you is to distance yourself from your dad and brother, tell your mom that you can no longer take the way that they are treating you tht you had to endure it growing up and now as an adult you do not need to take it any longer..your mom should understand she knows how your were abused when you were young right!?????
I know for me in order for me to get better I had to leave the house I was sharring with my sister and Luis now I know I am not cured the scars run very deep...but I think that you need to stay very far away from them (your dad and brother) you are a good person and you deserve only good things in life, I am sure that your boyfriend understands what you are going thru and I am sure that he doesnt mind being there for you I know how much he loves you and I know that all he wants for you is to be happy...
I am sorry that I can not give you better advice I know for myself when my dad walked out when I was a baby and then when I was 21 I decided to give him a second chance he verbally abused me and one tme almost beat me chased me around the house and almost got to me run I ran out of the house and didnt come back...after that moment I decided that he did not need to be a part of my life any longer.....I wish to this day that I had a dad but figure that I am better off without one....
hun I wish for you to feel better soon
and I am so sorry that you have to go thru something like this right now in your life, we are all here for you and you nkow how to reach me if you need to talk more.
Love ya
Erin
i have been reading this book addicted to unhappiness and it has been making me feel so much better. i realized that i didn't know how to function as a happy person- that wasn't my identity. and right when i was starting to feel better my brother came and i didn't let it reverse my feeling better. when i was done telling my boyfriend, we decided to go for a walk and i had to go upstairs to change and he wanted to make a phone call. i thought at first that he was upset by what i said and wanted to talk to someone about it- but he is not one to tell other's secrets. when i came downstairs, he was on the phone with his parents. he had called them to say hi. after me talking about the fact that we can't choose our families and it isn't about us- it's basically how lucky we were and that in my eyes my father and brother do not really exist right now. i also talked about people taking it for granted when it is good and even picking little fights or saying little things are wrong with their parents and complaining about it. he called to say hi because he remembered how lucky he was and had been touched by what i said. it was a cool moment and i was happy for him.
so, now- who really knows. but i am ok. i'm not letting things get in the way of my happiness anymore.