Social issues...still struggling
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| Sun, 07-04-2004 - 2:23pm |
But just a few minutes ago, an acquaintance who lives on my hall asked me to come downtown with her later in the day instead. And then my one friend here called me and told me about a midnight after-fireworks-party that he wants me to come to...he said he hasn't seen me in a long time, which is true...so I feel somewhat obligated to come.
And I know that both of these offers are incredibly nice and may prove to be some fun. I've agreed to go downtown with my acquaintance and to try to make it to the party later. But I don't know what is wrong with me...honestly, all I want to do is to avoid any people...I even tried to sneak out to downtown before my acquaintance had a chance to ask me to go with her!
I guess part of that is the fact that I do like to wander around alone and take photos... that's much harder to do when you're with someone. And another part is my need for lots of sleep...my body started aching again lately when I didn't get my usual naps. But this isolation has definitely become a pattern with me lately...I am amazed that anyone even wants me to hang out with them when I actively try to avoid them.
This feels somehow different from my earlier depressions, so I don't even know if that's what's going on with me. I used to feel lonely and want to spend time with people, even though I was often anxious around new friends. But recently I've felt like I'm slipping into some dark, unfamiliar place where I feel completely disconnected from people and don't really want anything to do with them.
This is scary for me, and the fact that I'm supposed to start med school in a month only makes it worse (maybe this is all just a result of my anxiety over starting school?). There is an optional orientation program in which you get to know the health resources of the city...but the deadline for applying is tomorrow, and I can't manage to come up with any motivation to write the application essay.
I'm feeling very confused and lost...like something is happening to my mind, and I can't stop it. I probably sound like I'm being over-dramatic, and maybe I am...maybe I just need to get out more. And I will try to get out at least today...but I often feel almost mute and empty of thoughts...it's getting harder and harder to act normal around other people...I feel like I have no connection with them.
I just don't want this to end like my first attempt at college...with my getting sent home in failure. And I'm trying to keep that from happening...but I am scared that I won't be able to stop it. Am I just mildly depressed, or am I starting to lose my mind? Sorry, I know this post is probably pretty similar to my earlier ones...but I guess I still haven't figured this out yet.
Thanks for listening,
Rose

I too phase through moment of wanting to be with people and wanting to be alone. There is ebb and flow to life much less depression. I think it is most likely normal to have changes in how some things feel.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
I guess I thought maybe this isolation thing was separate from the depression, since I (up until recently) really wanted to be alone, but didn't feel particularly depressed. Now I guess that's kind of changed...so the two probably are linked.
That's one problem of spending too much time alone, it seems...I think I tend to over-analyze things and jump to illogical conclusions. My worst fear, I think, has been that my isolation and strange feelings will only increase, until I end up lost in my own world and having some kind of psychotic episode. (I do have a minor history of hearing things that aren't there...but don't generally share this with therapists or doctors because it seems pretty unimportant).
Wow, studying psychopathology in college probably wasn't so good for me! I'll try to get my fear back in check since I know it is irrational. Still, I do continue to feel worse in terms of depression...and I wouldn't be able to have an appointment with a psychiatrist for another month...so I do hope that somehow I will make it through.
Thanks again,
Rose
I think I can relate to your situation on some level. I'm going through (and have been for about a year) where I spend all this time pushing people away but then sit and cry because I feel so alone and isolated.
I've had friends invite me here and there and decline because socializing is so stressful (anxiety goes through the roof) for me. I then become angry (like it's their fault) when they stop calling and including me in social events. I guess they only want to be turned down so many times.
I'm so bad that when DH and I go shopping I make the 25 minute trip to the shopping centre and then sit in the car to avoid people. He can't understand it when I say, " I'm so alone and isolated but I don't want to go anywhere." I can't understand it either other than I've been told I have agoraphobia and they are still looking for a med that will help with the anxiety,depression and agoraphobia.
Not sure what advice to give except do what makes you comfortable.
Thinking of you,
Tam
You helped me think about this situation in another light...I hadn't really considered the possibility that I could be avoiding people out of anxiety. But now that I think about it, I definitely recognize a good bit of anxiety mixed in with my desire to be alone. Even going out to the store today took me a while and a lot of deep breaths.
I'm not sure if my anxiety would be classified as agoraphobia (I doubt that it's severe enough), but I still feel like I can really relate to you. I hope you and your doctor find a med that will help you with that anxiety.
Your advice to do what makes me comfortable was helpful, also...it's always a battle for me to decide whether the benefits of forcing myself to do things outweigh the discomfort it causes me. And usually I do try to force myself to do what is expected or desired of me. I guess more and more recently, I've been allowing myself to do what I want, which is generally to avoid people...and it is a relief to do that.
Of course I know that isolation can contribute to depression, and I don't want to offend or distance myself from people who know me...so I will continue to try to fight this uphill battle and spend time with people. But thank you for your advice...it is somehow comforting to have someone say that it's OK to do what I feel like, at least occasionally.
So I really appreciate your post...good luck to you in this struggle, too,
Rose
I am so sorry that I didnt post this to you sooner I do not have a computer at home and have been off from work since friday sorry...but I figured etter late than never right!!!!!
Okay I am opposite of you when it comes to social gathering parties bars clubs ect...I freak out if the place is not packed I feel like all the people there are looking at me and I freak out and run away literally....
the thing is that I have started to force myself to stay there even though I get really uncomfortable I still stay and I am learning to be okay with that now..,.
I used to want to be alone all of the time I never wanted to be around anyone and I would push everyone away from me and just like another poster wrote I would cry over the fact that I was alone and no one wanted to be near me when in fact I did it to myself and now I give myself my alone time but always make sure I spend time with others...
Rose you have to do what is going to make you comfortable....I would suggest that you put yourself out there at least two times a week with other people not going some where alone but with a group and if not a group then maybe one or two others..just to see whats it is like...
Sorry I am jumping all over the place kinda jittery today..
wishing you luck and a ton of support.
Erin