I'm so scared (trigger)
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I'm so scared (trigger)
| Mon, 07-05-2004 - 7:59pm |
I'm all alone. I'm afraid I'll be alone for ever. I can't do this anymore. I can picture myself covered in blood. But I don't want to die. I don't know if I want to live. I don't know what there is to live for. My Mom died almost nine months ago. She was my life. I was supposed to get together with my sister tomorrow, but she cancelled. I feel so let down and disappointed. I'm always depressed and unhappy; I don't deserve anything better. Nobody needs me; everyone needed my Mom. I couldn't save her. I can't do this anymore. I want to give up. I want to be with my Mom. I miss her so much.

First of all I am very sorry for your loss. It goes without saying that you loved and miss your mom very much. I think it's very telling that you say you don't want to die and I need you to keep thinking about that. Your mom is gone but the truth is she lives on in your heart and you need to draw on her there to help yourself now. That part of you which is your mom needs you to seek help from people who have been there and who care because they know the pain you're in. Please listen to your heart, ... if you do then you will hear her voice telling you to pick up the phone and call someone now. There are so many caring and giving people out there who will listen and will help you through this trying time. Please don't feel alone because in truth you are not. You simply need to reach out and you will find there are many who want to speak with you and help you. Look in the phonebook or just call 911 and please please do not feel scared or embarrassed. There is no shame in hurting or loving or missing someone as you do. I wish I could give you a hug and make the call for you but I can't. It's up to you. Nothing drstic will bring her back, but a simple heartfelt phone call will be the first step in bringing you back. Please pick up the phone and do it now. The sooner you do the sooner the pain will diminish and the good memories will be able to pour back into your heart... Best to you and please write back and let me know what you're doing...
Perry
I've been in that place you are in. I've been in the darkness and come close to ending my life. Very close. I didn't think life could get any better. It had always been a struggle. I knew that if I didn't change someone major, then I wouldn't be able to go on. I asked my doctor for the name of the best therapist she knew about. My counselor helped me tremendously. I had been to therapists before with little change. But this therapist really made a difference. I was so sick of the endless pain that I tried my best to listen and make changes. It took a long time. It isn't all better. But it helped me a lot.
I understand that you are ready to give up. When I was there I knew that killing myself would always be an option, so why not try everything I could before taking that option. That's what led me to finally try antidepressants, then years later to try therapy.
If you need to get through the moment you can call the suicide hotline. The number is 1-800-SUICIDE.
But that will only be someone to listen for the moment. I hope that you will seek counseling. Grief is an agonizing process. You need support and guidance as you deal with your pain and loss.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
MariaC
I start a college class tomorrow night and I'm nervous and excited. I want to go, but I don't want to go. It's weird because this is the first time I'll be going to school since my Mom died. People have said to me wouldn't my Mom be proud of me? I don't know how she'd feel. And I hate that. I feel like since we spent so much time together, I should know how she'd feel and what she'd say to me.
I can understand your desire to know what your mom would have felt or thought...I guess people's feelings can be hard to predict, no matter how much time you've spent with them. When making my own decisions, I still wonder what advice my mom would give, even though I'm 23 years old.
But I know that your mom would want you to pursue what makes you happy...and I know that happiness might seem like an impossible goal now, but you are doing your best to get there. And by doing that, you can be your mom's legacy here on Earth and keep her memory alive that way.
Hugs,
Rose