How much is too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
How much is too much?
4
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 6:05pm
I am one of those people who has to help everyone especially those I love when they're hurting. That is what I'm trying to do for my fiance. I've visited several other sites including maledepression.com and the message boards for depression fallout specifically for family members or loved ones of those suffering from depression. The thing I've encountered is that I'm more optimistic than those sites encourage me to be. I'm here hoping to get some ideas from others suffering from depression on how to help him. I've also read many books that are filled with lots of great advice. I don't want to put additional pressure on him or make his condition worse in any way. I buy him cards to remind him I love him and how special I think he is. I guess the question is this if there is one thing people try to do for you or wish they would do for you to help you, what would it be? If there is something people do that you wish they wouldn't, what is it they do? Thank you for any ideas. I'm struggling because he seems so distant and I don't know if this is something I just have to ride out or if it is something I should fear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 6:42am
First of all I must say he's one lucky fella to have someone so caring!

I will attempt to answer your questions but my answer is 3 fold. When all this started for me all I wanted was for someone to recognize that I had a depression problem and help me get the help I needed because I didn't have the strength or want to do it myself. I actually wanted someone to take the reins and put me in touch with the professionals so I didn't have to do it myself. My best friend finally took the reins and that started me down my recovery path.

Since being dx'd I think what I want most from people (I don't have many) is for them to encourage me to vent and just listen when I need to talk. I have one very good friend who I can call anytime if I just need to cry and vent.

What I wish people wouldn't do (and it's happening) is pull away from me and avoid me and think that I will "snap out of it" in time and until then they think I just want and need space. I also dislike it when they tell me, "if your depressed about where you live or your health etc....change it." They dont' realize it's not that simple.

Now this is a little off topic but...I have a 19 yr. old son who 3 motnhs ago started showing signs of depression. He finally came to me about a week ago and verbally told me how he was feeling. I listened and told him if he wanted professional help I would make the arrangements. He was relieved but decided to try the all natural approach for 1 month. I discovered in his case he wants someone to vent to but is also wanting, if things become to unbearable for someone to help him get help.

Hoped this helped even a little bit.

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 9:26am
Thank you. That helped a lot. Sometimes I am guilty of thinking he needs time and space so I back off. There are also times when he sits and plays xbox games for hours on end. I'd like to talk to him bu tI guess I can't push him if he'd rather focus on a game.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:18am

Your fiance is very lucky to have you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 8:26pm
Thank you for sharing your story tindomerel! Lucky for him I am a very patient woman.

:-)