How can I help depressed boyfriend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
How can I help depressed boyfriend?
4
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:15pm
Hello!

I've never posted on any of the iVillage message boards before but I feel like maybe one or more of you might be able to help me so it's worth a shot.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years...we'd probably already be married if it weren't for the fact that we both feel strongly about graduating college first. I'll graduate in August then begin my master's program and he will follow suit in December. We've been serious for years, and, although there have been some rough patches, we've never had something we couldn't work through.

Many of our rough patches have involved his mood swings that seem to occur about twice a year or so and last 2-5 weeks. I've talked to him about these in the past and he's admitted he has had signs of depression but never wanted to do anything about it. Afterall, the phases never lasted all that long.

Back in February, he was showing signs that he was about to propose--asking whether or not I liked a friend's engagement ring, talking to my Dad privately, etc. But all of a sudden it was like he dropped it, so I figured it had to do with the fact that he was changing jobs and was under a good deal of stress.

A few nights ago, he sat me down and said, "We need to talk." He said "I'm not sure if you've figured it out yet or not, because I have been trying to hide it, but..." My heart jumped. I just knew this was going to be THE MOMENT. I sat up a little straighter and looked into his eyes as he began to tell me he'd been talking with a computer game friend online who is therapist and they agreed he was showing numerous signs of clinical depression. He said he felt a lot of it stemmed from stress and the fact that he wasn't good at setting boundaries. He said he needed 'time off.' It was so not what I was hoping for, although I knew deep down that his sadness, insomnia and inflamed temper were not normal.

So, he took the holiday weekend to be by himself and the occasional friend while I promised not to call him but said he was welcome to call me if he wanted. I was going to be out of town anyway at a family function.

Well, yesterday we met back up and it was pretty awkward at first anyway. I told him I will give him all the time to himself he needs but he said to treat him just like nothing is different.

Here's where you come in (if anyone is still reading!)... What can I do? I want to encourage him to visit the student counseling center (which his online buddy also recommended) but I don't want to push too hard or make him think I am trying to 'fix' everything. I know he is against anti-depressants because he is scared of the side effects (a close friend of his in high school had a terrible reaction) so maybe I could recommend he try St. John's Wort?

What would you want someone in my position to do if you were depressed?

I appreciate any help at all...I love him more than anything.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 10:37am
Our situations are very similar. My boyfriend has been diagnosed with depression was in school and would not see anyone and would skip his meds. The only thing that I could do was encourage him in school, let him know that I was there for him, and to tell him that I loved him. I have been doing so much reading on this subject on this and other boards and from what I have read, the decision to seek help has to come from them.

My boyfriend is in therapy now, but only because he threatened to commit suicide and left town for a week. He has dropped out of school and is living with his parents and has asked me for space.

I wish there was one answer that I could give to you right now, but let him know that you love him and that you would support his decision to seek help if he wanted to see the school counselor. You must also take care of yourself. I think this is one of the hardest things to do when you love someone who is in pain, but you need to take care of you and be strong.

Meghan

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 1:29pm
Thanks so much! I do feel better knowing he is at least talking to the therapist he knows online, but I'd be much happier if he'd go to the Student Counseling Center for face-to-face help. It was great hearing from you...I am sorry you are going through such a rough time and I appreciate that you would share that with me. I've also been researching a lot (for one, I have a lot more free time now) but I still have trouble knowing how I can best help since I have never experienced depression myself. Thanks again so much and I hope your boyfriend is doing better soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:54pm
I wanted to give you the web site of an internet site that has been so helpful to me. http://www.dbsalliance.org/Forums/ForumRules.asp

They have three different sites. One is for friends and family members who have loved ones who suffer from depression or bipolar and the other site is the depression website. I've posted questions and gotten some good responses on both site. I read it everyday and rely upon it regularly.

I hope your boyfriend gets help and you take care of yourself.

Meghan

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:03pm
THANKS! Have a great day!