Can't stop thinking about Past

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Can't stop thinking about Past
5
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:09am
Hi there,

I wanted to ask for some advice for a problem I've been having regarding something that happened in my past. I was friends with somebody that ended up hurting me very badly. But what's worse is I ended up hurting him as well, and it ruined our friendship. To this day, I still have nightmares about what happened with this friend. I really miss him too. I don't think about it during the day at all, but the situation ends up popping up in my dreams at least once a week. In my dreams I'm always trying to resolve things with this friend. I wake up feeling really depressed and unhappy. This is something that happened EIGHT years ago...I don't understand why my brain has to keep reminding me of the incident. I still have minimal contact with this person through email and have thought that maybe trying to address my concerns would make the dreams go away....but I really don't think he'd be open to that discussion and probably wouldn't even answer me. I know what happened can't be fixed.

Do I need to see a therapist about this? Is this normal? Like I said, I ususally don't even think about my ex-friend when I'm awake so I'm not obsessing about this during the day...but the past keeps replaying in my dreams and it's driving me crazy! Any suggestions? I'm getting really tired of this dream. I want to just come to some closure on this and I don't know how.

Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 1:30pm
Short term therapy may be beneficial for you. If these dreams persist even eight years after the incident and if they're hurting you, then it's definitely something you should get checked out. Not that you're crazy or anything like that--just that someone with specialised training may be able to shed some light on the problem. I'm sure the loss of this friendship had a big impact on your life, and it could be that maybe you've repressed a lot of your feelings about it and they're coming out in your dreams. A therapist would be able to help you sort that out.

Hope that helps!

Elise
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:34pm
Dear Tesu, I wish I could help you. I have the same sort of problem , but mine is over 20 years old. I am still madly in love with this man. On a daily basis he invades my day and night dreams. We had a huge misunderstanding. I see a therapist. She tries to keep me grounded in reality. I don't always think it is my brain that is the problem. It's my heart. I am truely heart broken. I would give away my soul to be able to go back 20 years and reply my life with the knowledge I have now. I wish you the best of luck.

Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 6:33am
Hello,

I was in a similar situation for over 2 years and I did seek out therapy to help deal with it. One of my assignments was to actually write him a letter letting him know how adversly the situation was effecting me. I told him about going over the situation again and again in my mind as well as about the nightmares. I also told him that the letter was not written to seek forgiveness or set things right between us. It was written to help me get over the trauma our falling out had left me with. I also told him he didn't have to respond and he never did, but I feel much better having explained to him just what impact our lack of friendship was having on me. The ball was left in his court (so to speak) to respond or at least meet me half way. I know I said everything I could to try and set things right and since writing that letter I am more at peace with what transpired.

I hope you find peace with your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:25am
Hi! I'm right there with you. Me and Brenda have been talking for some time. We've had a similar situation. Mine too has been going on for 20 years or so. It had totally invaded my life at night and daily. I started going back to counseling and never realized how much I was surpressing. I've never been able to forgive myself for what happened and never been able to put closure on it (because I don't really understand what all happened). I tried contacting him by phone years ago and that didn't work at all. So I, too, did the letter thing, like another post said. It does help! I also wrote a letter to him explaining my inner most feelings, sealed it, and it is in a drawer for safe keeping. Just seeing it in writing helped. But just in the last month with my counselor has been a real eye opener. I knew I had questions, no closure and alot of hurt, but didn't know how much till now. WOW!

I'm here if you need anything at all! Email me thru my profile if need be!

LOL,

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 1:12pm
Tesu,

I have a favorite saying "even God cannot change the Past." What is done is done. I know I have brooded about the past many times but it is a useless exercise. Why do you have contact with your ex love at all? Are you obsessing about the relationship because you do not have a happy relationship now?? Remember affairs of the heart can often be disasters. WE HAVE all had relationships where we did crazy things and hurt people. However, since we cannot redo the past we can only learn from our mistakes and go on. Go see a therapist and find out why you will not let this go.

Good luck.

SA