Never Ending Cycle
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| Mon, 07-12-2004 - 7:53pm |
I really need help ending this cycle of distruction. For my entire life and especially the last 15 years (I'm 30 now) I've been going through this cycle when I can handle everything in life and do pretty well getting everything done that I need to (for example schoolwork, work, paying bills, cleaning, taking care of myself) and then after things are going smoothly for a while I do something to mess it up and make myself miserable. For example, skipping classes, calling sick from work, not going to work at all and not calling in, standing people up, not paying bills, raking up tons of dept, aggrevate my acne so it's worse, eat out of control and gain 30 lbs in 6 months. I really hate myself when I do these things - I feel like a total failure when I know I can do better.
I just don't understand why I can't take good care of myself. It is not like my ideals are so high I can't achieve them. I just want to be normal. I don't have to be the best at school or work, or only weigh 90 lbs.
For example, instead of going to class today which I have been going to for the last week daily (it is a 2 week class) I stayed home in bed - sleeping, eating, and smoking cigarettes. I don't have a test or anything so it wasn't nerves. Things were going great - making new friends - eating lunch with a fun group of people. Liked what I was learning in class. I just couldn't get myself to go. It wasn't even that early it didn't start until 10.
Now I know skipping class doesn't sound that bad but it is a constant cycle and I feel like a total jerk. My teacher from last semester (who is at this class) was totally upset with me because for the last 2 weeks of school I didn't show up for something I was suppose to do for my class and left her in a real bind. I told myself I would got to the class these 2 weeks but I just couldn't do it today. I told my friend I was sick but they are probably so sick of my excuses. I don't do so bad in the classes but I'll never get any recommendations that I'll need - acting like such a fool.
I just can't stand myself anymore - I just don't know what to do to get out of this rut. Now I have to go back tomorrow and I have to deal with the guilt all night tonight and hope I get myself there tomorrow.
I also have to stop eating so bad and smoking so much or I'm going to give myself a heartattack. I'm 60 lbs overweight (I can't believe it) and I started smoking like a phen since breaking up with my boyfriend 2 months ago. I know that probably has something to do with me feeling bad - but it was the same cycle when we were together and before we went out so I can't blame it all on him.
The only things that I want to do anymore is eat junk food, watch TV, sleep, and smoke. Anything that doesn't have me thinking about my life that is all messed up. I have alot of problems but I really would just like for something to go better.
It is like I need someone to force me to go through life sometimes - I'm an adult now and have to do that on my own. I'm just so nervous I'll wake up tomorrow as the slacker and not go to class again. I have to go - no matter what people think - I shouldn't really care but I do. Also I know when I get home from work tonight (I did make to work on time so that is good) I'll probably find something to pig out on and feel sick. If I didn't gain so much weight I would probably be together with my boyfriend still.
OK - sorry this post is getting way to long. Just having some really bad days lately. I know I have to talk to someone - I'm making an appointment for a new therapist this month - they just never seem to work. I am on medication - Celexa and go to a psyc (the Dr that can prescribe meds) - it seemed to help a lot with my anxiety problems but I'm still in that self-descructive cycle.
Any words of wisdom?
Thanks

Right now I'm in bad spot with little motivation to get over a hump, but for the most part I do try to find something special to keep me going each day. It's still easy for me to sit at home, do nothing all day, forget my shower, throw all my bills in a pile, not return friends' calls, etc. Anytime my life turns for the worst, it's usually based on my own actions. I wonder if it will always be a daily struggle, too.
What's different between those 'bad times' and the 'good times'? Is there anything there keeping you motivated when you are taking good care of yourself? I ask because I'm trying to determine the same in my own life. I think when I have people close to me, helping to motivate me (and kick my butt a little), I'm okay. Also if I surround myself with positive things -- I am more motivated about keeping myself up when I am doing volunteer work or making a difference in some other capacity.
I'm not sure if that will help, but I hope you find a way. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. I think that's what helps keep the cycle going...
Edited 7/12/2004 8:36 pm ET ET by lajaguar
I still am trying to figure out what is different on those good days. I've tried keeping a journal before to write down those good thoughts but then on the bad days I don't even remember to write in it.
It is like I'm going and going ok and then wake up one morning and not care about anything anymore. I turn into like a different person. I also feel really bad afterwards because other people see it as being lazy and unresponsible. I tried to prove them wrong and then it happens again - like today. So then I have to make up some excuse that I was sick.
My plan for tomorrow is to get up and take a 15 min walk outside. I think the sun and the walk will get my juices going. My class doesn't start until 10.
I also called some friends and talked to my mother and my brotherso that was a good sign that I felt like talking on the phone. I've been playing a lot with my new kitties tonight as well - so that is making me feel better too :)
It is just so aggrevating. I don't always want to shut down if things go bad or for no reason at all. I'll just try to stay in this good frame of mind. If I start wandering off - I'll try to think of something else. I emailed my friend from my class tonight and she told me not to worry about it. I just told her I was sick.
I didn't stop for junk food after worth so that was good :)
Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow in the same frame of mind :)
Thanks again,
Karen
Wow. So much of what you described is so familiar to me. I'm 21 and this is the second time I've been through a long bout of depression. I'm in the process of coming out of the stage you seem to be in, but believe me baby, I know what you're going through. I have been there and done that. When I graduated from high school I had top marks, I was accepted into a good university, I was attractive and in a good relationship. It seems like nothing could have happened to screw it up but things happen. Anyway, a while down the track I've been in the trenches of depression and one of the saddest things to me is that I am not that person anymore. I too put on a lot of weight, which often makes me reluctant to go out anywhere. Like you, a lot of days I only want to stay in my PJs and watch TV. I also have been skipping a lot of my classes this semester, not for any particular reason except that I couldn't be bothered going. This is despite my assertion at the beginning of the semester that I was going to have a really good semester and put in a lot of effort.
I think the main culprit in the cycle of destruction is the feeling that you are a failure. For me, the little voice says "you've already attempted to have a successful, responsible, grown-up life and you've failed, so why bother going any further?". When I hear that voice, I don't want to go to classes and I don't want to pick up the phone when it rings (because then I will have to explain why I'm not in class, at work, etc), I don't want to go out, I just want to channel surf.
In my experience, the most helpful remedy for this is to be reasonable and logical. I say to myself "These are symptoms of depression, which is a medically recognised illness. You are saying these things to yourself because you are not well. Tommorrow you will have a better day and you'll feel fine, because that's the way your brain works.". It sounds strange but it makes me feel better, especially when I start getting down on myself, saying "if you just got off the couch you might lose some weight" or "if you turned off the tv and studied you might feel more inclined to go to class". When I start being mean to myself like this, I just say "Don't listen, that's just your depression talking. Ignore it.".
Maybe this won't work for you Karen, it's certainly, in my opinion, a way of talking yourself out of your mood. But don't feel down on yourself because you've spent the day doing nothing. Feeling lazy and irresponsible is useless to your recovery process, and even if other people think you're lazy, it's only because they don't understand. If you had cancer no one would think you were lazy, so they shouldn't think that because you have depression. And anyway, we know the truth and that's all that really matters!
The first thing I thought of was Bipolar or Bipolar II. The fact that you have periods of productivity followed by periods of depression, neither with any specific triggers, is what struck me as significant. I'm not sure if you're familiar with either disorder, but I'll explain. In Bipolar you have episodes of Mania (defined as having at least three of the following: inflated self-esteem, decreased need for sleep, more talkative than usual, feelings that your thoughts are racing, distractibility, increase in goal-oriented activity, and excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences--like foolish spending or promiscuity) and episodes of depression, which I probably don't need to define here. From what you said, I don't think it sounds like you have manic episodes, because in a manic episode your functioning eventually becomes impaired. However I wanted to mention it anyway just in case.
Bipolar II sounds much more plausible. In Bipolar II, you have episodes of Hypomania (same definition as mania, except hypomania does not impair your functioning. However, there is still a marked change from the depressed state), followed by episodes of depression. I want to point out that even though you might not always feel depressed when you elect to skip class or something similar, the very fact that you have a lack of motivation still suggests depression.
The other disorder that came to mind is one that is more serious and has a great deal of stigma attached to it, but which is treatable with the right attitude (which you seem to have because you're asking for help). And that's Borderline Personality Disorder. When you mentioned that you regularly screw things up for yourself, that's what made me think of BPD. BPD is defined as having five or more of the following characteristics: 1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment; 2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships; 3) markedly and persistantly unstable self-image or sense of self; 4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially damaging, such as binge eating, reckless driving (and possibly in your case, skipping class); 5) recurrent suicidal threats, gestures, behaviours OR self-mutilating behaviour (although this can include other, non-bodily types of self-sabotage, such as the things you describe doing in your friendships and school life); 6) emotional instability due to a marked reactivity of mood, meaning basically that you're really sensitive and quick to any kind of intense emotion; 7) chronic feelings of emptiness; 8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger; and finally, 9) transient (quickly over) stress related paranoid ideation (thoughts) or severe dissociative symptoms (zoning out, depersonalisation). Like I said, you only need five of these for a diagnosis, not all nine. The disorder as a whole is marked by instability, emptiness, and self-destruction.
Treatment for both Bipolar disorders is usually drugs (Lithium and other mood stabilisers), as well as therapy. Treatment for BPD is usually just intense therapy, although sometimes drugs are prescribed for the depression and anxiety frequently encountered by BPD sufferers.
I got all of this information from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR). It's what psychologists and psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illness.
I hope that helps and that you're not offended by my implications. I want to reiterate that I'm just going from what you said, so I don't really know you that well, and also that I'm not a professional. But this might give you some information with which to start a dialogue with your doctor.
Let me know if this was helpful :)
Elise