How do relationships survive depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
How do relationships survive depression?
8
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 9:08am
My fiance suffers from depression. Some of you may have read my other posts. Last night he was feeling very sad. He calls himself a burden to me and says he feels badly that he doesn't have anything to offer right now to anyone. He just feels like he's going through the motions. He said he loves me and wants to be with me but he feels badly for putting me through this. He said he's torn because he knows he would regret letting me go but hates to see me go through this so he lets me make the decision whether or not to stay. I choose to stay but he thinks he hurts me every day and feels guilty over past mistakes.

How do relationships survive depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:08pm
I've noticed on this board that people's relationships during depression can be very different. Some people's relationships end during the depression. If a woman is with a depressed person, she often does everything she can to help her partner. Unfortunately, depressed men are usually shut down and uncommunicative, making it hard for the woman to help much. Some people shut themselves off from their partner by breaking up and isolating themselves. I've seen that happen a couple of times. Unfortunately, a depressed person often brings their partner down into depression as well. It's hard to be around someone so negative all of the time.

I thank God tht dh loved me through the whole thing. He knew that my depression wasn't about him. He was the most incredible man he could be for me. I knew we had a happy relationship, even though it couldn't make me happy inside. I knew that my depression was about me, not him. He also used to sayt that I was the "happiest depressed person" he'd ever known. I wasn't happy, but I enjoyed his company and felt better when he was around, so I was pretty playful at times, despite a constant ache and sense of meaninglessness inside me.

Have you read "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real? I have mentioned it many times on this board, but I don't know if I mentioned it to you. That book talks about male depression and how it affects the man's partner. I highly recommend it.

I should also mention that I was previously married to someone who was depressed. I ended up leaving him. I realized at one point that he was making my life too painful and difficult. He refused counseling and didn't do anything to take care of himself or be closer to me. I felt like I was spending all of my energy trying to drag him through life. It was a one-sided relationship. I ended it because I didn't want to spend my life swimming upstream pulling someone who wasn't willing to even try to help.

I've been on both sides. Each person has to decide what he or she wants. You have to weight how hard your partner is trying to get better against what the relationship is doing to you personally. You don't want to end up depressed yourself.

I highly recommend the movie "What Dreams May Come" to you. In it, Annabella Sciorra plays a woman who is in a state that is very much like depression. She sees only the darkness and no one can reach her there. When her husband comes to save her, the darkness infects him too. That is what depression can do to a relationship. Maybe if you watch that with your guy, he will be able to relate to how the woman in the movie felt. It could start a communication about what his depession is really like.

Good luck,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 4:32pm
Hi sweetie.

I don't know if there is one answer to this. Every relationship is different. It depends on the people in it.

My ex boyfriend (we didn't break up due to my depression) didn't understand depression. He would get frustrated some times, but I think he did try his hardest.

Sorry I can't be of any help. But I am sending many ((((((hugs)))))).

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 7:54pm

Hi hun!


Relationships survive depression just like they would survive any other illness or bump in the road.


All relationships work if they are founded on Committment and Communication..

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 10:49am
We had the same conversation all over again this morning. He says he doesn't have the strength to hurt me anymore by making me leave him. He hates to see me going through this and doesn't understand why I stay. How do I make him see? I love him though he says it's not about love. He says it's about me sacrificing my happiness for him. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and I have hope. How can he let himself fall so far into this darkness knowing he's hurting others and not stop to think if he started his medication again it would help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:30pm

The hardest part about watching someone we love go thru depression is that Ultimately ALL we Can DO is Watch.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 3:20pm
I was/am in your situation with my SO. He continues to ask why I would want to be with him, that I deserve better, and that he does not want to hurt me. When someone is depressed, they are so hurt and upset inside that they can't understand why we (those that love them) want to be with them. Your SO sounds like he is so scared of hurting you. My SO continually told me this and all that I could say was that if I felt that he was going to or was hurting me, I would have to evaluate my position within the relationship. For a brief time this let my SO know that I was protecting myself and I was setting boundaries.

My S.O. and are taking some space right now. While this is so difficult and hard, I must respect his wishes as he deals with his depression. Another post mentioned that there is really nothing that you can do, and unfortunately, I agree. Depression in someone that we love takes a toll not only on the depressed person but those that they love. Please remember that this is an illness-separate from him.

One resource that has helped me so much is another board that has a forum for friends and family of those who suffer from depression and/or bipolar. I helps to see what others have gone through and see their suggestions. The website is http://www.dbsalliance.org/Forums/ForumRules.asp

I wish I could say that it gets easier and better, but every situation is different. You must take care of yourself and know and remember that this is not about you.

Meghan

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 12:02am
I am also engaged and I suffer from depression. There have been nights that I have begged my fiance to kill me and told him that if he didn't, I would just poison myself. I've also said all those things that your fiance has said to you. But he's still my fiance. He keeps telling me that when I say those things, it's not me: it's the depression and he's right. I want to live a long happy life with him and I love him deeply. Just when the depression takes hold...it's hard to control myself, even with the medication.

My advice: tell him you love him no matter what and talk to him about what you can do when he falls into those deeper times, when he feels worse than usual. Relationships can survive depression. Be strong, love him and know that it will pass.

Cheers & Hugs,

Sunset

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:17pm
Hi. Just try to be as understanding and as supportive as you can, but honestly I'd recommend maybe seeing if he would be wililng to go see someone. Only b/c I have been suffering from severe depression and my man just left me. Which is only making it worse. I'm only out of bed b/c if I didn't come to work today I wouldn't get paid and if I don't get paid it will affect a lot of other people. If it were just myself I would be at home in bed and wouldn't care. Depression is very serious, I'd suggest going out and getting help. Not just coming here. I thought going online and venting and trying out different approaches would help. Now I'm alone. Not to say that you won't get good advice, b/c you will, especially on here. It's just that a lot of times it's a chemical thing and it's takes a lot more to fix that. It may seem like the problem is gone, but it always seems to come back. Good luck. I will definitely pray for you, I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.