This sounds weird I know, but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
This sounds weird I know, but...
2
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 12:16am
I'm Sunset and I'm new to this board, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice.

I was diagnosed with depression a year ago, but I know it had been going on for a couple of years before that. I'm on medication, but it's not really helping and...I know that anyone who's had depression will understand this, but I have really bad nights sometimes. Crying and moping and all that stuff. And I want so desperately to hurt myself sometimes. I've picked up knives, razors, scissors--anything with a sharp edge--but I'm horribly squemish. I can't cut myself, which frustrates me even more. When I have these bad nights, I want badly to feel physical pain, rather than emotional so I've end up pulling out clumps of my hair, scratching myself till I bleed and burning myself with hot water. I feel like if I could just manage to cut myself the tiniest bit it might abate the feelings for that night and let me sleep. But at the same time, I know I can't and I shouldn't.

Is there anyone out there who found something that helped them get through the bad nights (or days) without actually causing themself pain? I know it's really an individual thing, but even just ideas would be most welcome.

Thanks so much.

Sunset

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 11:36am
Hello Sunset,

I have severe depression and I'm a cutter. Also, my depression is much, much worse at night. The thing that helps me the most is to call my therapist; do you have a therapist? If not, I suggest getting one. Mine has really helped me to be able to talk myself down from less urgent situations, and if it's really bad, I call her at home and she talks me down. When I can't reach her, though, I try to call anyone else that I'm close to. You have to be careful, though, in who you call, because some people really flip out when they hear you want to hurt yourself. And if no one's home, I gather every inch of strength and leave the house, go somewhere public. Walmart and Kroger in my town are open 24 hours. There are bookstores and coffeeshops open until 11pm. I find that if I get out somewhere where I'm not alone and I can't hurt myself, the urge goes away and I'm able to go home and go to bed.

Another solution is a fast-acting drug like Ativan. When I start to feel myself getting out of control, I take an Ativan (0.5mg). It starts working in 20 minutes and really calms me down. It works 90% of the time for me. But if I'm really flipping out, my doctor gave me some samples of quick dissolve Zyprexa, 10mg. It dissolves on your tongue instantly and you're out in ten minutes. The downside of Zyprexa is that when I took it a few weeks ago, I slept 28 of the following 32 hours. But if you're really out of control, it does provide a quick fix.

The best way, though, to start to solve the problem and stop the urges is to get a good therapist with a reliable after-hours plan, meaning that he or she is reachable for emergencies that happen after hours. The drugs and the getting out are only temporary fixes, but they will give you some time to seek out a therapist and really start to work on the problem.

And if you try not to hurt yourself and end up doing so anyway, don't get down on yourself. When you hurt yourself, your brain releases endorphins, which make you feel better. It's a physiological reaction. What you are doing actually makes physical sense, because it does provide a temporary reprieve in depression. However, it's not a long term solution and ultimately does more harm than good.

Hope this helps :)

Elise
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 11:48am
((((Sunset)))) Those are scary days and nights. If you ever have the feeling that you might do yourself harm please call a hotline. They are not just for when you want to drop yourself off the planet. You can call a hotline for any moment of harm. Please do that....you are worth that effort.

I will be honest. Harry Potter saved my life. Sounds goofy but it is true. I found those books to be a safe escape. A place to find friends who showed me how loyalty and friendship can get you through tough times. A place to know that sometimes I stand side by side my friends and sometimes I can stand alone. An unreal world to go to when the real one hurts.

This is simple and somewhat weird advice. I hope it may help.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)