Been a while...need some sunshine...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Been a while...need some sunshine...
2
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:44am
It's been a while since I've been on here, but things have been busy (not really, but trying). Today is my youngest brother's 21st b'day. I called him up and wished him a "happy Birthday". He sounded like he was having a good time and I am happy for him, I told him to "be safe" and "I love you". To be Loved. Something that I'm not feeling now and for a while. I feel like people love me because they are family and it's just what you're "supposed to do" when you are family. I feel like people care about me only because they need me to do or want something from me and they know that I will do it and ask for little in return. Used and confused is more like it. Used for obvious reasons, a little in return would be nice, and confused because as much as I would like reciprocity for the generosity and compassion I show others, I don't understand why I don't or just can't to ASK for it? I mean, like, what is wrong with me??? Am I really afraid that they will say "NO"? I don't think so, because people tell me "NO" all the time!!! I seem to be having trouble just finding someone that I can connect with (even with my husband). It's like I just don't trust anyone enough to talk to ("friends", family, doctors, etc.) about my feelings. I wish I could just open up to some one who would not judge me, and not betray my trust and who could try to understand (not just psycho-analyze me and give me some drugs)...to really listen, to take me as I am, to show compassion (not pity) and exhibit genuine altruism as I believe only the human spirit can... Maybe I over-estimated this quality in man, only to find myself disappointed, disillusioned, and feeling all alone in a world that's driven by greed, cruelty and hate. Oh well...

I have worked so hard just to get nowhere in life... failure at every turn, it seems. I try to be happy for the little things that I do "have" in life. I try my best to do good things and be goods for others, so that I may be a "blessing". I always believed that my actions would speak louder than my words, yet I have very little to show for all the "work" that I do. It's very hard for me to love myself and be motivated to do things for me if it's all going to go to crap anyway...why am I here? What's my special purpose? I take initiative to do something for myself in life that I want to do, to try and find my blessings as well as be there for others, and what happens? It's all just taken away and the work I put in all for nothing. I get to thinking "Just what in the heck am I here for? I'm not a born loser." But that's the attitude I have to take on just to make it through somedays... just to deal with a crappy job situation, communication issues with my husband, weak to non-existent family ties, and shaky relationships with friends. I guess I need to stop reaching for the stars, get my head out of the clouds, and try to "Aim Low", you know set my goals a lot lower, you know like "Get Real, Girlfriend!!!" Don't try so hard, don't worry so much about anything...besides, not like anything's gonna happen anyway...Motivation?! What's that? Don't care much any more (I really do, but I'm drowning and sinking fast!). Rationalizing and denial help me get through...this is not good...I am really sad and I could really use some sunshine right now...Sorry for all the babbling (not really sorry) Sunshine...snuggles...bye
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:44am
I can relate to what you are saying. I feel like I've gotten disillusioned with people as well. My family relationships are almost all bad. A long time ago I went through a really bad time and not one person in my life was there for me. Not one. I got divorced and had to start my whole life over with no money and no friends. My family treated me so badly. During that time I made promise that I would be there for people going through difficult times. And I've done that a ton. However, after 8 years of that I'm burnt out on being taken advantage of and taken for granted.

I feel lucky because I found a really lovely man. He has been kinder to me than anyone ever has. He's the thing that makes life worth living for me. I have come very far, and am not depressed most of the time. But when I was in my darkest time, without motivation or enjoyment of anything, even my dh's love didn't bring me happiness or make me FEEL loved.

It sounds from your post like you are under the care of some kind of psychiatrist or other prescribing doctor. Are you in therapy? A good therapist can listen and help you to feel understood. I've finally come to the conclusion that I can't depend on my friends to be there for me (what few friends I have). So I turn to my therapist for emotional support and understanding. I also turn to the women here. I have received a ton of support here. In a way I feel like reaching out to the women on this board to support them and be a part of this community has added a sense of purpose to my life. I think that in this kind of anonymous environment people feel safer to talk about their real feelings. Also this place attracts really caring people. Most people who come here are very compassionate and caring. We all know what it's like to go through intense pain and grief.

I hope you'll stay around here and also that you will seek out a therapist. It really does help to have someone listen.

Take Care,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 3:37am
Thank you for the kind words you sent. Every little bit helps. Sometimes I feel the need to vent, and it would be nice just to have a physical body here to talk to...

I don't have a therapist, although when I was being chaptered out of the military, they sent me for a psychological eval. My own country rejected me even though I did my best...this was over a year ago...then my dad passed away around this time last year and I felt bad that I was not there enough with him after he got really sick...I felt selfish for trying to fulfill my own dreams and military obligation, and because I was not there, everything that I wanted was taken away. I would never call home to talk to my dad because of my strained relationship with my mother. I felt guilty for not calling more and I really miss talking with him. Somehow I just felt like I was just getting to really know this quiet, hard working family provider, like he was the only one in the family who really understood me, but then my dad was taken away...I guess I kinda blame myself for it.

I guess I'm kinda depressed as well because I'm going back to the east coast for a memorial/retirement/brother's 21 birthday party (it was supposed to be last year for my dad but he got sick and went to the hospital before it and never left...he had just turned 56, I came home and got to see him before he passed away). I don't know if I will be able to handle all the emotions that I feel when I go back...I know it's been a year, but...

I will also have to see my over-bearing, self-righteous, Southern Baptist mother. We could never see eye-to-eye on anything but the worse part is that since I tend to be more open-minded about things, I will try to see things her way as well as expressing alternatives to it, and "agree to disagree" in order to find a happy medium, gray areas. On the other hand, for her everything is either black or white, there is no gray, even though her actions seem at times to be very ambiguious, so if she is right, I am wrong, I am the ultimate antagonist, Devil's advocate, my actions have to be rooted in some kind of sin. In my desperate attempts to please her, respect her as my mother, to gain her approval, love and understanding, I will become subservient, submissive to the point of letting her disrespect me and take advantage. I realize that I get very emotional and at times we have such exhausting heated arguments that I am truly distraught and stressed out about it, upset with myself and guilty about possibly causing my mother any pain or disrespect(Evil Bad daughter, Spawn of Satan, etc). All the while it seems that I am the one obsessing over how to fix things, constantly thinking, feeling remorse and she is the one who really doesn't care and is just belittling my feelings, letting me feel this way so that I will let her take advantage. She is so used to getting what she wants (esp. from me, like I was gonna be her only daughter carbon-copy, yeah right!) people always agreeing with her, just so she will shut up and quit yapping her big mouth, nag nag nag all the time...I'm the Virgo(she's a Scorpio, like my husband, sometimes I feel like I married my mother), I'm the one who is supposed to be so critical of everyone else, when all I can see are my own faults. When I learned to speak up a little for myself, I gave her a piece of my mind, and tried to expand hers. Boy was she shocked her little girl had formed opinions of her own...some of them were even different from her own...NO WAY DUDE!!! Anyway after realizing some of what she was doing, it made me mad and upset that I would never be able to have a nice understanding trusting relationship with Mom...who would I turn to now for help after being so brain-washed into being co-dependent on family for so long ("if you can't go to family for help, who can you go to? there is no one else.") I just decided to build up my defensive wall even higher, and distance myself from trying to have any real meaningful relationships with anyone (being hurt by friends and family enough times even when you feel you are trying to do the right thing will do it I tell ya...) She is 2000 miles away, so I don't talk to her much now, and that's one less stress factor to deal with (keeps the blood pressure down too so that I don't end up like my dad!) I just feel like a recluse, physically and emotionally, I don't really feel like being around other people just to do what they want to do. Both my husband and I have issues expressing our feelings to each other...he had been self-committed in H.S. for depression and he really doesn't like dwelling on or talking about past hurtful events(what can I say he's a "sensitive" guy). I on the other hand seem to feel the need to keep bringing up some of these things, they are very vivid and I remember these things well, somehow talking about it instead of keeping things in like I have for so long helps me to deal it better, even if it tends to depress me at times (glutton for punishment, that's me). I usually act indifferent, or hide my true emotions just so I can "get on with life", but I am deeply affected and I don't "just get over things" that easy. I feel like I have a hard time coping with life in general, like I can't seem to comprehend what's going on, yet when some one else needs something, I feel like they expect me to have all the answers. Because I don't, I try to do my best anyway, but it's never quite good enough (for me or them), and I feel like a shammer, total loser, or just plain stupid for not knowing anything really useful. Pressure like that is a killer...then the self-doubt that was already there just keeps growing, and no matter what I do to try to make things work out...

I am still feeling a little down...I leave later today for the east coast and I am nervous and kinda sad, still missing my daddy I guess...it's gonna be very emotional for me...keep me in your thoughts as I go on my journey...sunshine...snuggles(BTW, thanks again for listening)

CrysJ