Slowly losing the battle! Trigger?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Slowly losing the battle! Trigger?
2
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:29pm
Ok I am going to try this, my name is Mae, I am 43 years old.. I have four children, three grandchildren and one on the way. I am very depressed and have been for years... I was in the hospital about a month and a half ago as I tried to go to sleep and never wake. They didn't do anything for me except humiliate me mostly but I got to help some other people which is what I love to do. I work at a motel, manage, live here.. so I am here 24/7. So I know that is part of my problem.. my weight is another... and my children are all away from me... so I feel very worthless. My job is not fullfiling... I used to work as a detention officer and was on the ambulance and then I met my now partner and moved to where he is. Anyway... I am very depressed... I could really just use a good friend.. the few that I have are busy and I can't go anywhere and they have stopped asking and they got tired of coming here to where I am.... I try no to miss my grandkids.. and my kids.. my Grandkids live in Florida and North Carolina so that is very hard for me.. I am in Montana... I have rambled on enough.... thanks for listening... Hope you all are having good days!!! Take care... Mae
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 4:52pm
Nana Mae,

I haven't visited this board in awhile but decided to come here today because I'm really having a hard day and thought it might help. I've found that sometimes just reading others posts helps you feel a little less alone. I'm 33 years old and have battled this depression demon almost my whole life. Sometimes I'm fine but then other times I just lose it. I can relate to what your saying about your friends being too busy and alot of times I just hate to bother them with my feelings. I sometimes have this complex of wanting to deny that I even have depression. It's like I feel like it makes me less of a person and I just feel like they don't understand. I know it must be hard to relate to these feelings unless you've actually lived through them. I have a really great husband and wonderful children but I just can't talk to them about how sad and down that I sometimes feel. I have good friends too but when I talk to them about things such as crying for a whole day over nothing or wanting to kill myself it just does'nt make sense to them and I feel like it just worries them. So I just don't talk about it with them anymore at all. I guess this is the great thing about this board!!! These women can really relate. Even though I don't post on this board much at all it's still such a comfort to know that it's here. It makes me feel less alone. I really hate that you had such a bad experience at the hospital. I had a similar experience about a year and a half ago. I came out of the hospital more humiliated than feeling better. I don't think that alot of the counselors and workers aren't compassionate. But I guess it's not that they don't care. They probably just don't really understand the extent of the pain that depression causes either. I certainly hope you feel better soon. Try to not lose hope. You don't sound worthless at all!!! You sound like a very caring and wonderful person. I'm sure your kids and grandkids love you very much. God has a wonderful and beautiful plan for you. And he does'nt always make it obvious or easy to find either. I know!!!! I get so impatient sometimes when I'm at one of my low points and I just wonder if he made some horrible mistake when he created me. But deep down I know theres a reason I'm here. I'll look at my 2 year old little boy when he's playing or sleeping and although I may be crying and depressed but I'll see such beauty. It's like this underlying beauty in the world that lies underneath all this sadness and hopelessness. I see it in your post in your honesty and emotion. I know this beauty is there and I also know that it's way too subtle for my liking. Sometimes I can't even feel it at all when I'm in the midst of a very low depression but it's there all the same. I guess it's what keeps me from totally losing it.

God Bless you and I would be more than happy to be your friend.

Trina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 8:09am
Good Morning Trina, thank you so much for your post.. I got up this morning at about 5 and checked to see if anyone had written and I was so glad to see your letter.. it was very uplifting for me.... I have a little bit of hope today as my Grandaughter and my Daughter in-law will be coming on the 9th of Aug..... I am so excited... first thing I have had to look forward to in a while! I was to the point of not knowing what to do. I know that it will be very hard for me when they leave but I am going to try very hard not to think of that... they live in North Carolina. You are not some horrible mistake..maybe helping people is part of His plan... you helped me today! I will have a better day because of you!! I also have a wonderful man, but he has never been depressed a day in his life so her really has a hard time understanding why I am depressed. But he is very good to me... which is why I don't understand why I am so depressed. Why I can't just get past the sad things and look at the happy things. I know part of it is my job... but until something else comes up. Richard's Mom owns the motel I manage so I am afraid that if I say I need to get out I will lose them both!!! Thank you so much again for writing... I hope to hear from you again... Kiss your babies and hug them... they are so very precious!! I wish I had more time to write now but I have to get to work. I have 30 rooms to clean! Part of being the manager!