Slowly losing the battle! Trigger?
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Slowly losing the battle! Trigger?
| Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:29pm |
Ok I am going to try this, my name is Mae, I am 43 years old.. I have four children, three grandchildren and one on the way. I am very depressed and have been for years... I was in the hospital about a month and a half ago as I tried to go to sleep and never wake. They didn't do anything for me except humiliate me mostly but I got to help some other people which is what I love to do. I work at a motel, manage, live here.. so I am here 24/7. So I know that is part of my problem.. my weight is another... and my children are all away from me... so I feel very worthless. My job is not fullfiling... I used to work as a detention officer and was on the ambulance and then I met my now partner and moved to where he is. Anyway... I am very depressed... I could really just use a good friend.. the few that I have are busy and I can't go anywhere and they have stopped asking and they got tired of coming here to where I am.... I try no to miss my grandkids.. and my kids.. my Grandkids live in Florida and North Carolina so that is very hard for me.. I am in Montana... I have rambled on enough.... thanks for listening... Hope you all are having good days!!! Take care... Mae

I haven't visited this board in awhile but decided to come here today because I'm really having a hard day and thought it might help. I've found that sometimes just reading others posts helps you feel a little less alone. I'm 33 years old and have battled this depression demon almost my whole life. Sometimes I'm fine but then other times I just lose it. I can relate to what your saying about your friends being too busy and alot of times I just hate to bother them with my feelings. I sometimes have this complex of wanting to deny that I even have depression. It's like I feel like it makes me less of a person and I just feel like they don't understand. I know it must be hard to relate to these feelings unless you've actually lived through them. I have a really great husband and wonderful children but I just can't talk to them about how sad and down that I sometimes feel. I have good friends too but when I talk to them about things such as crying for a whole day over nothing or wanting to kill myself it just does'nt make sense to them and I feel like it just worries them. So I just don't talk about it with them anymore at all. I guess this is the great thing about this board!!! These women can really relate. Even though I don't post on this board much at all it's still such a comfort to know that it's here. It makes me feel less alone. I really hate that you had such a bad experience at the hospital. I had a similar experience about a year and a half ago. I came out of the hospital more humiliated than feeling better. I don't think that alot of the counselors and workers aren't compassionate. But I guess it's not that they don't care. They probably just don't really understand the extent of the pain that depression causes either. I certainly hope you feel better soon. Try to not lose hope. You don't sound worthless at all!!! You sound like a very caring and wonderful person. I'm sure your kids and grandkids love you very much. God has a wonderful and beautiful plan for you. And he does'nt always make it obvious or easy to find either. I know!!!! I get so impatient sometimes when I'm at one of my low points and I just wonder if he made some horrible mistake when he created me. But deep down I know theres a reason I'm here. I'll look at my 2 year old little boy when he's playing or sleeping and although I may be crying and depressed but I'll see such beauty. It's like this underlying beauty in the world that lies underneath all this sadness and hopelessness. I see it in your post in your honesty and emotion. I know this beauty is there and I also know that it's way too subtle for my liking. Sometimes I can't even feel it at all when I'm in the midst of a very low depression but it's there all the same. I guess it's what keeps me from totally losing it.
God Bless you and I would be more than happy to be your friend.
Trina