13-years-old and lonesome

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
13-years-old and lonesome
5
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:59pm
Hi, I'm new here.

I'm 13-years-old and I have been feeling really depressed since September (when school started). I was in the ASB class and was put under a lot of pressure to do well. I was also in Honors Algebra and found it my duty to be the smart one in the family. I started having anxiety attacks and started becoming anti-social to a point where I would hide during lunch. Things got to the point where I was extremely suicidal and couldn't figure out what to do. I would read over some of my journal entries and just cry because I felt so terrible. I eventually found a teacher (my ASB teacher) as a source of help and support when things got tough.

Even though school is over, and I don't have as much stress on me as I did before, I still find myself depressed, suicidal, and anit-social. I still write in my journal daily, but get tired of not having anyone to talk to. My mom pretty much abandons me during the day, my dad works in a different city in the northern part of our state, and my sister is gone most of the day. I am only 13-years-old and I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do and I can't stop it. I have never taken any advances toward ending my life or hurting myself, but sometimes I feel that is the only way out of this dark hole I have put myself in.

I really hope that someone could give me some suggestiond and help me out. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 2:39pm
Hello,

I am sorry you feel so bad, I know how it is. Have you gone to see a doctor? You might need to take an anti-depressent pill or talk to a therapist.

Even though it is hard to accept, being depressed is something that we can't control. I am 28 years old and am finally starting to come to terms with my depression and realizing how much help I need. I've tried to get through it alone, but it doesnt work.

Whenever you feel bad just try to remember that you have so much to look forward to, and you will feel better one day. Try not to put so much pressure on your self, and make time to enjoy your favorite activites. Find out what your passions are and focus on those things. I would recommend that you see a doctor though, you'll see how much it will help you. :)

Good Luck and always feel free to send me a message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 3:31pm
Thank you very much! My mom said she would take me to see a therapist if I "really need it", but so far I haven't gone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:50pm
I really feel for you. I started to feel suicidal when I was 14, but I had been depressed for much longer than that. I went to a therapist when I was 13. Unfortunately, she wasn't a good one. I wish that I had kept trying with different therapists. I didn't really know what they could do for me. Now I've had much better experience with therapists. I'm currently getting my master's degree so I can become a therapist..

I strongly urge you to call your medical doctor and ask his receptionist to give you the names of some therapists who specialize in teen counseling. The pressure that you are feeling is really common. Feeling suicidal is more common than it should be at your age. A therapist who specializes in helping people your age could be really great for you. They will have a lot of ideas that will especially help you.

All of that pressure that you feel is really hard. It sounds like you are lonely and isolated. No one could pay me enough to go back to being 13. It can be so hard to make good friends. And my family also expected me to be a good girl and not need any attention. It was very lonely for me. People used to always tell me that I was the kind of person who would be much happier in college. I believed them, for some reason. And it was true! Going away to college was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I loved it so much.

I agree with the other poster who said that it can really help to spend some of your time off exploring things that you enjoy. You might really enjoy looking into some things that interest you, like art, dance, sports, or some other kind of classes. You can meet other teens outside of the highly-stratified social environment at school. When I was a teenager I went to a church youth group one summer. I wasn't particularly religious, but I liked the kids there. I met some really great people who I continued to be friends with at school. It was a nice way to meet other kids who weren't too into partying and drugs and all that stuff.

I'm also a little concerned about people who look for lonely teenagers on the internet. Unfortunately, some creepy old men do that. So if anyone emails you directly through your profile, please don't answer them. A lot of middle-aged men reach out to people your age, saying that they are also your age. I don't want to freak you out, but I just want you to be careful. I have never seen anyone like that on this board, but some people lurk, reading the posts, but never posting anything. I doubt if that will happen, but I just wanted you to be aware of it in the slight chance that it happened.

You can always come back here to post. We had another girl your age posting a few months ago. Her story was very similar to yours. It happens a lot, so just know that you aren't alone.

I'm pulling for you. Please know that we are always here for you. The sooner you call your doctor to find a therapist, the sooner you can start moving forward. You are young and you will amazed at how much your life can change. I wish I knew at your age what I know now. So if I can share any of it with you, please feel free to ask. Being a super performer in high school isn't nearly as important everyone tried to convince me. Getting into the most prestigious college is also not really a ticket to happiness. Learning to accept yourself as you are and put things in perspective is really what helps.

Take Care,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 8:24pm
First of all here's a big ((HUG)).

I was a LOT like you growing up. I'm 24 now, and doing my masters. I did really well in school at your age, and was competing (though not in spelling =P ) with the brightest kids in my school. I hated getting bad marks, and even though I wasn't a terribly hard worker, i crammed for tests and quizes and assignments to keep the marks up there. I also felt that i had no friends. I joined lots of groups (activities-wise) to prove to myself that i was a great person because I could do all these things. I think that increased the pressure too. I was expecting so much of myself. I also had a very non-social home life. I talked to my dad once, telling him that I thought I was depressed, and he told me that i could make myself happy.

The toughest part about this whole thing is your age. You're going through puberty so a lot of older people will think that you're feeling these things just because of puberty. I think its a combination, just because of the similarities of what you're talking about, and what I was like. The point now is to get through these years without harming yourself, and put yourself on the right track to deal with the actual depression.

The first thing I think is to understand that SOME of these feelings will pass. Not probably until you get out of highschool, but they WILL eventually pass. I never thought so, and I had no hope about my future. Use the phrase "This too will pass" or "my hormones are making things seem more upsetting than they are" I have a feeling i'm going to get yelled for saying that. It's not meant to trivialize what you're feeling, but I found that when i was being treated for depression, at the earlier stages during episodes, I would tell myself that "So-an-so does not really hate you. You have a chemical imbalance that is influencing your reaction. Try to calm yourself, and step away, and take a look at it again when you're feeling more positive". Now when I have episodes I do similar things, and that makes the sadness a lot less. I make sure not to deal or think about large issues when I am unhappy, and to wait for a more positive mood.

Ok, so right now you might be thinking that these positive moods don't really come around a lot, and that you don't want to wait until puberty is over before you can treat the underlying depression. Having someone to talk to is a very important thing. Like us here. Another thing that will help, learning relaxation techniques. For example when you get angry, i was a very angry kid, and i didn't know how to deal with it properly. Even just counting to ten, and slowing your breathing can help.

From your post, one of the things you seem most upset about is your anti-social status. Not having many friends. I understand this one. I thought I had NO friends, and then when I left highschool I realized that I had quite a lot! but wasn't letting anyone in, or was expecting something extraordinary from it. If you're a little shy now to get back into the roll of things, start with talking with people online, like us here, and at other places on ivillage. Not neccesarily about depression, I even suggest you find people to talk to about anything BUT depression. Maybe find a forum for a show that you're a fan of and start talking to people there. This will get your self esteem up, as well as helping you communicate with other people again, and feel more confident about expressing yourself. When school starts up again, try joining a club or sport team. something where you have to interact with people outside of regular classes. You may not find shopping buddies out of this, but even just going to a few club meetings a week can be enough socialization to keep you happy. Try not to compare the relationships you have with the relationships other people have. That was my biggest problem, I saw people being much closer than I was with others which made me feel more lonely. Be proud of the types of relationships you do have, and remind yourself that this is just highschool, and when you get to university, and are in programs with people with the same interests, you will form entirely NEW relationships.

That's about all i can suggest for now. Try what you think might help. Another thing that I find helpful with other people, is to smile. People like people who are happy, atleast on the outside. it draws them to you. You don't have to pretend around people, but at the early stages of friendship smiling is a good way to make you feel better, and the other people. As you get to know people more closely, you will be able to open up more. Also, smiling externally tends to make you actually think more positively!

There are two last, very important things I want to say. maybe three. I don't right away suggest going to a doctor to get meds, because i dont' really know how people differentiate the hormonal effects of puberty from depression when they are treated with meds. I just think at this stage that might be iffy, but you can talk to your family doctor about this (that's a very good person to talk to actually!), though later on, meds may be a better option. Another thing, keep a watch on those suicidal thoughts. A lot of teenagers your age have them, but that doesn't mean you don't take them somewhat seriously. At the very least talk to us about them to get them off your chest instead of building up. or if you can't always talk to us, write them in your journal. Just be sure to write in your journal on days you a re feeling positive to, to encourage yourself.

The third is that i suggeseted looking for forums on the internet to post to. Be careful which sites you choose. Don't give out your private email, or personal information, like where you live, and your last name, and NEVER meet anyone. Stick to public forums where there is a moderator (someone who sees what everyone is writing and can kick out weirdos) and where everyone sees everyone's post. Youth magazines may have suggestions for forums directed at youth, that are very well tended.

The summer is almost over, so you'll be going back to school soon. Keep in mind that you're not in a hole, but a tunnel, and though it seems bad right now, there is a way out just ahead. Try to talk to your doctor if you ever start feeling so bad that you can't take it anymore. here's a last hug (((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 3:52pm

Welcome to our board sweetie,


I know that it is hard to go through the years where you are.