Not sure if I belong here - TRIGGER

Avatar for jardin04
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Not sure if I belong here - TRIGGER
1
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 7:28pm
Hello,

I've never been to this board before, mostly because I'm not depressed, but always feel like I could be...

Let me explain, I am a very positive, happy 27 yer old, in a very healthy loving relationship, decent job, I'm very active, absolutely no signs of depression. I do battle with co-dependency at times and I ALWAYS have a slew of old feelings locked down deep inside me. When I was 11 years old I first "decided" I was going to commit suicide and had to get myself strong and ready for it. I always used to feel empty, as a child I always felt empty which carried into my teens and early 20's. In my mid-to late teens I drank excessively as a means of "escape" and would cry almost everynight and frequently thought about commiting suicide thought never attempting it. I was in so much pain, but wasn't sure why. I got into a relationship with an alcoholic when I was 18 which lasted six years. During this time I drank excessively, always had a bottle of pills available if I wanted to kill myself, and used to cut myself as a punishment and to substitute the emotional pain with physical pain and anger. Luckily I gained a lot of self-esteem, picked myself up and worked my butt off to get to the point I am at today. I left my ex-husband 3 years ago, moved 5000 miles away from my family and where i grew up and love where I am at today.

However there are a lot of feelings I know I am avoiding and lately they have been bothering me. I know I am going to have to break down and allow myself to be weak and feel those painful emotions in order to release them. But I am so scared of becoming "depressed" again. I wrote an email to my boyfriend explaining it this way...

"Strong? yes that I am. It's learning how to be weak that is what I need to work on. I'm not so much afraid of allowing myself to be weak as I am afraid of that weakness taking over and my never being strong again. I have a beast locked up deep within me. My beast is made up of self-doubt, self-loathing, depression, sadness, anger, emptiness, destruction. When left to roam he devours my soul, he stomps my spirit, he kills my happiness and all that is left is an empty void. I know that living with this beast is not healthy and his frequent attempts at escape and all the energy it takes me to keep him quiet and locked up are taking it's toll on me. But I am afraid if I unlock the cage and let him out he will not leave but take over. I am so afraid I will not be strong enough to kick him out once he is unlocked. I am so afraid of losing the battle I have spent my whole life trying to win...



I don't want to hate life again baby, I don't want to be empty again, I don't want to hate myself, I don't want to be void of all happiness. You have no idea how terrified I am. I am so, so scared."

Not sure why am writing this post, not sure what I am asking of you guys. Maybe just need to get it out. Maybe just to see if there is anyone out there like me - not depressed but have been bad in the past, feels as if they relax for just one day too many, if they don't keep on fighting and moving, that beast will take over... Maybe just to confirm that I'm not as alone as I thought I was for all those years...

Hedy

BTW - I know, as I have since a mere child, that I need therapy and am finally going to go. I am currently researching therapists and plan on going within the next few weeks. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 7:53pm
Hey Hedy,

I understand your worries. What you had in the past certainly seems like depression, and that you are aware of these feelings, beneath the surface, and that you're fighting them, makes me think that you may have chemical depression, but have found a way to fight it off thus far. Which is great, but if it IS chemical, you're right, it might never go away, without treatment.

I really understand you worry that, since you're in a good place right now, that if you try to explore these feelings that you could be sucked back in. I was first diagnosed with depression when i was in first year of university, and I started treatment immediately. Before this, I sort of felt that I was depressed, but I was dealing with it. I got excellent grades, was excelling in a lot of areas, I hated myself but found ways to deal with it, until I got to a breaking point. Once i started treatment however, I let go of this earlier strength. My depression actually got worse. I was always a self injurer, but i got into cutting as well, and some other activities. I also stopped trying in school. It's partly because I wasn't hating myself quite as much, so wasn't pushing myself, and yet, allowed myself to hate myself.... If that makes any sense. I was completely unprepared for that, and i wish I had known that was a possibility. It took me a long time to get out of it, and I still don't think i'm out of it, now, 4 years later. School bombed on me, relationships bombed on me... But also, i love myself now more than I ever have! Every year I'm getting better, and I think I will be back at the level of strength at excellence I was at before, but through positive means, instead of negative ones.

So yes, I do understand your worry about dealing with this stuff now that you're in a pretty good place. But I also know that there is a better life out there when these problems aren't menacing in the background. The fact that you are on guard about it, I think is good. I think when you talk to someone about this you should mention this concern (and if they poo poo it, make them understand). I think one of the most important things while starting treatment is to keep a journal about it. So that you can see where your control is slipping. I'm not sure if losing control is a part of the healing process, but I think you should be able to prevent a deep slide by setting up nets for your self. Maybe let yourself lose control for little bits at a time. Keep watch of how you're doing at work. Don't rush trying to get better. Keep aware of your attitude about yourself and your relationships. I think you should try to get therapy though, even if my warnings sound ominous, because not treating it can make it fester, and lead to a more crucial breakdown. Just be aware of your vulnerability as you start, and take the process at a rate where you can maintain some type of control.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes