Introduction (I'm new) (sorry it's long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Introduction (I'm new) (sorry it's long)
4
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 10:58pm
Hello everyone, my name is Karen and I am 42 and live in the Poconos of PA. I am pretty depressed right now. I have suffered from depression since I was about 11 yrs old I would say. Sometimes it was so severe (like in my early 20's) that I was seriously considering suicide. I was getting therapy (I've had years of it) and I was feeling better. In fact I was feeling pretty happy at one point. Then I'm not sure what happened but I am feeling pretty depressed again. I'm single and unemployed for almost 10 months now. I feel like it's hard to function. I kind of feel as though I've given up on life. Sometimes I think of death but I don't actually think I would do it. It's just that whatever spark was in me while I was feeling better is gone.

I feel like I've wasted my life. I haven't done the best that I can do to make myself happy and so I definitely blame myself. I should have gone after what I wanted. I went to college but stopped short of getting an Associates Degree for some reason. I haven't gone to school since 1999 and I only have about 4 or 5 classes to go to get an Associates Degree in Business Administration.

A big failure of mine is my weight. I am really a big gal at this point. It just seems like the struggle is too much so I've been pretty much eating whatever I want and that doesn't help either of course. I feel like food is an addiction for me. I have been on Weight Watchers which I feel is a good program and would like to try it again. I have tried it many times and I know it's my fault that I've failed on it because I didn't stick to it. But that is easier said than done when you are addicted to food.

I also look at not being married and not having kids at this point a personal failure. That is pretty complicated and I'm not sure what happened there. I know my weight is one factor though I have seen women just as heavy as I am who are married and I know from personal experience that some men actually prefer a larger figure. I have had boyfriends in the past but nothing that came to marriage obviously. And when I look back on it, I wouldn't have wanted to get married to any of them anyway. But it bothers me because I have always wanted to have a family of my own. And since I turned 40 a couple of years ago, I feel like I've been in mourning about not having kids. Because now I feel like it's getting to be too late for that and I have had so many problems with depression that maybe I wouldn't be the good mom that I think I would be if I weren't depressed. I would want to be there for my kids whenever they need me and not be wrapped up in my own pain.

Another failure of mine is my lack of good money management. I have been overspending ever since I was 15 yrs old and started working. I don't have any savings and since I'm unemployed and my unemployment checks ran out...I have been relying on my dear mother for money. But she isn't exactly rich and can't afford to do that much longer.

And yet another failure is that I've never had a place of my own. Because of the way I have spent money, I never was able to afford to get an apartment. And my lack of education doesn't help either because without a decent education it's hard to find a good paying job.

And finally, I want to be closer to God. I want to have an improved spiritual life. This is difficult for me because I have doubts about the existence of God. That makes me feel guilty quite often because we were Baptists when I was younger. Anyone who has been in a fundamentalist type of religion can probably understand what I mean here.

Well, I've definitely written enough for now. Thank you so much to those of you who had the endurance to read this all the way through! Please give me any advice you can! I would truly appreciate it! Take care all!.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
I'm sorry for all of the pain that you are experiencing in your life. I also know what it's like to struggle with depression for almost all of your life. It sounds like you already know that therapy helps you. Did your depression return after you lost your job? Is there any way that you can get back into therapy? I understand that you don't have money. Can you contact Social Services and Catholic Charities? Depression qulaifies as a disability. I've known people who have gotten onto disability because of depression. They can probably also connect you with a counselor. Catholic Charities can give you counseling almost for certain. They can help you get back on the road to mental health and to employment. It sounds like you know that you have eating and spending addictions. Overeaters Anonymous provides a free place to go for support and help with that addiction.

There is a lot of help available for people in your position. The main thing is that you need to reach out for it. As you've seen in life, things only happen when you make the efforts to change them. We have others on this board who struggle with many of the same issues that you struggle with. You aren't alone.

Good Luck,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Good Morning,

I read your post and wanted to send you some (((((((HUGS))))). MariaC's reply has given you some advice. I'm sorry that I really don't have any to give you as I've had different issues that has driven my depression. Just know that you're not alone and that this wonderful board community is here to listen and help support you.

Take care,

Charlotte

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Hi Maria and Charlotte!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post! I really appreciate all your support! Maria I will probably look to see what I can find as far as free counseling is concerned. I will also go back to OA I think. I found it hard to "share" my feelings with other people in OA. I was always worried about saying something stupid or just embarrassing myself in general. I can be really nervous and self-conscious in groups. But I did find there were alot of caring people there the one or two times I tried it. I guess I just need to force myself to talk. Thank you both for helping me to realize that I'm not alone with these issues.

(((((((HUGS)))))))) to you both!

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Hi,

I can so relate to you!!! I have a weight problem also. I THINK MANY DEPRESSED WOMEN DO.

I think what you need to tackle first is your depression. (through a combination of therapy and medicine probably.) Consider seeing a counselor at a University. (ie a student in a graduate program for psychology. I have heard that such therapy is MUCH less expensive.) Also do not try and solve everything at once.

I am a self employed attorney. I HATED working for others so I took the hard route of building my practice. (and indeed it was very hard.) However, along the way I would do part time work.


How about starting with baby steps? Do some temp jobs or look for a part time job so that you can earn money while trying to work on your depression. I really recommend reading some books by Albert Ellis. He is a ninety something psychiatrist that has a very practical view on how to deal with depression. (I bet your local library has his stuff.) Also get some basic books on depression to understand what you are going through.

I know there is no easy solution for being overweight. I can suggest taking a slow, easy walk around your neighborhood to start. As for children, the fact that you think you may

not be a good parent makes you much better parent material than most. I constantly have seen in my practice, juveniles and drug addicts reproducing without giving what kind of parent they would be a second thought!!!! (There is always adoption...I have known single women that did well as single adoptive moms. This can wait until you are doing better. I know a woman that did not adopt until fifty.)

I am so glad you have your mom. I know my parents' support has been invaluable over the years. I am also married but I can tell you that MARRIAGE is work. Be grateful you have only you to worry about for now.

Just don't get overwhelmed. Even if you set a few goals everyday like sending one resume, walking three blocks, etc. you will soon find you will build up your grove.

Good luck!!

S.