Another Diagnosis what is up with me!!!!
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| Tue, 07-27-2004 - 10:56am |
I was in California as most of you know and spent a few days in Arizona also with my son his dad and step mother and grand parents yes it was a crowded house but thankfully the house is HUGE so there was more than enough room for us all..
So I go to UCLA to speak with Jakobs shrink he is actually head of the psyc ward there so we go in and he and I talk Jeremy also was in the room I tell him my background with cyclthymic disorder and that I think that Jakob has a mood disorder more so than having OCD sor the sinple fact that he acts the same way I did before I started meds..so I take this screening thing and I test positive for ADHD and Jeremy tests positive for ADD I am so not happy Jakobs shrink tells me that alot of people who have bipolar disorder or a form of it also have most of the time ad or adhd why I just dont get it..
Iam trying to hard to do right by myself to make myself healthy by quitting smoking which I am proud to say I have no had one craving one urge to smoke a ciggy I have no desire to pick up that bad habit again but in the interm of that I have gained weight and that just makes me so sad and depressed and I hate myself now I hate the fact that now I may have to deal with having ADHD which explains alot of things to me now...
I spoke with Sareen yesterday I am not sure if I told you all how her and I got into a huge fight befor eI left for my vacation she was upset cause I didnt try to speak with her before I left but I had no time I needed to get things in order for seeing my sons shrink and I just had way too much on my mind so she came to my house last night and she spoke her mind and well it made me feel worse than before it made me feel that I am the worse person in the world that I am the type of person that no one wants to be near that I am a bad person that I am a bad friend that I am just scum I know that the things she said to me were because she cared but I didnt feel that way I cried all night last night I felt like I was going crazy...what is wrong with me why am I such a bad person why is it that I have no control over myself..
I am going back on my diet need to loose weight need to get my body back need to get my contol back..I am planning my move away from Connecticut and back to Arizona I am ready to move on and be with my son god I miss him so much he is the light of my life I can not wait to post the pictures I have for you all to see....
anyways I need to do my advertising before my boss freaks on me
Love to you all
Erin

I've been reading a book called 'The Gift of Therapy' by Irvin D. Yalom, MD.
You might want to see if your library has it, maybe it will help you as it has me.
What it basically comes down to is;
Remember that YOU are YOU ... you are NOT your diagnosis.
hope that helps a little
~peace~
I'm sorry that I didn't respond to you yesterday. I read your post, but I was running around like a mad woman trying to get my school stuff done. I was only on the board for about 4 minutes last night. I realize that I've been neglecting my dh a bit lately between school, the board and other stuff. I want to make more of an effort to spend one-on-one time with him.
Anyway, I agree with the last post about not worrying about your diagnosis too much. When I was taking my diagnosis class, they really emphasized that people are not their diagnosis. In fact, diagnoses are not scientific. The psychological diagnoses book is constantly changing and being revised. People have overlapping diagnoses not because they have all these DIFFERENT problems, but because no one diagnosis really addresses the core of what is going on with them. Diagnoses are supposed to be helpful, but pigeonhole you.
Let me give you an example. Drugs like Paxil, Zoloft, and Prozac are all for depression. But they also help with anxiety. Is it because they do TWO different thing? No. It's because they boost serotonin levels in your blood. Depression and anxiety are two different results of low serotonin in your blood. They are two parts of the same physical deficiency. But they are two DIFFERENT diagnoses.
So the idea that ADHD often goes along with a biploar diagnosis doesn't mean that you have all these different problems. As you know, mania goes along with bipolar disorder. Mania is like a souped up version of ADHD.
They are just words, Sweetie. You are still you. That hasn't changed. The psychological field is still a work in progress. They are trying to do more to help all of us, so they try to make whatever connections they can to do that.
A few months ago I took a child therapy class. The teacher introduced us to a bunch of different types of ADD. Six different kinds of them. I definitely have one of them. But, gee, with that many different things, almost everyone would qualify! The kind I have makes me over focus on things. I have a hard time switching gears. When I'm focused on something or someone, I have a hard time ending it and starting something else. It's been a problem for me for my whole life! Now I have a "diagnosis" for it. All that means is that I can say that this is an official problem. So I try to pay attention to it and force myself to change gears now that I have a more conscious awareness of the issue.
As for your weight. Well, Girl, you have a really hot, extremely thin body. I saw you in the middle of that trip, you know. I understand that you get a sense of control over your life by controlling your weight. But take it from someone who's much heavier than you and still pretty happy with how she looks, most grown women never even dream of looking like you! I used to worry so much about the way I looked. I always cringed when I looked in the mirror. But finally one day I said to myself, "Hmmm, I look much better than most people, so maybe I should stop worrying about my looks." I still really enjoy being girly, but I don't worry about how I look so much. I know what it's like to have that deep inner sense of never being good enough. My whole childhood my dad always told me I was ugly. So of course I over compensated, trying to cover the ugliness I saw in the mirror with tons of makeup and the right clothes. I still struggle with it sometimes. Like last week I got a bad pimple that I picked and turned into a scab a half inch wide! But overall I now realize that I look fine and, anyway, no one will like me more based on my looks. I've never liked someone more because of how they looked or how thin they were. In fact, most women are quite threatened if another women is beautiful and/or in great shape.
So bottom line: You have an incredible body! Your arms are gorgeous and sculpted beyond what most women even dream of! You are super thin. There's nothing wrong with wanting to maintain your fabulous figure, but don't beat yourself up for gaining a pound on vacation! You are still a caring, lovely, wonderful person. And remember this: Jakob will love you weather you weigh 110 lbs or 610 lbs! And so will we!
All My Best,
MariaC
thank you so much I really appreciate it..I do not know where youget the words from but you always seem to lift my spirits
today is a bad day for me things just do not seem to fit well with my today...
I cant explaine it but I hope that by this evening when I go to therapy I will be able to do so..
Thanks again
And I am glad that you are spending time with your hubby when you mentioned him out in California your face seemed to light up and I think that is great...
Good luck with your class..
Thank you again
Erin