Back from appt, and miserable

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Back from appt, and miserable
6
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 7:30pm
I didn't go to work today because I was up most of last night with nausea and cramps... but I did make it to my first appointment with a psychiatrist here. She talked with me for a little over an hour and agreed that my case is definitely complicated...but for some reason, the appointment has left me feeling way more down than before.

Basically, she told me the most important thing for me will probably be good psychotherapy (but the therapist she recommended may not be covered by my insurance)... she thinks that only about 25% of my symptoms are treatable with meds. She also told me that she thinks a lot of my physical problems (especially IBS) are largely psychological in origin...that maybe stomach problems and sleepiness give me excuses not to go out and meet people. And that could be at least partly true...

She did mention the possibility of getting a sleep test, but I don't know if she will follow up with that...mainly the therapy will be important, she said. But I've had good therapy at least weekly for most of the past 4 years...so I am not hopeful that more therapy will help me significantly.

Meds-wise, she's going to test my blood level of antidepressants (I didn't know that was possible) and work from there. But in the not-too-distant future is the possibility of my going on an MAOI, she said...a type of med that I've heard only scary things about (e.g. that you can die if you eat the wrong thing while on those meds). Before that, she said she'd consider putting me on Elavil (a med that I've already tried and that made me unbearably sleepy) or on something like Ativan for my stomach (also sleep-inducing).

Edit: but then again, my next appointment with her isn't for a month, so I guess I have a little while to try to figure things out.

She is supposed to be a very good psychiatrist, and she did seem to know what she's talking about. She did say that it makes sense that I would have problems, given my family history. Oh, also somewhat comforting, I guess, is the fact that she didn't seem to consider bipolar disorder a possibility for me, and she said that my "seeing things" isn't really a problem because I'm not seeing things completely out of nowhere.

But she also confirmed by worry that by not initiating things with other people, I will cause them to give up on me...she said that I need to decide whether or not I want to do the work required to make and maintain friendships. But it is very hard to do when I am either incredibly sleepy or have a very upset stomach...still, I guess I'm not sure whether I am that motivated to have friends...probably not.

So I guess nothing earth-shattering happened at my appointment...but for some reason, I feel completely hopeless...fat, lazy, unmotivated, incurably depressed, with a twin sister who functions really well and has many good relationships (which makes me think I must be horribly flawed because I am so different).

And tomorrow is likely the last day of my job...and orientation for school doesn't start until August 10th...and I already am so miserably depressed on the weekends or days like today when I don't go to work. How will I manage this?! I guess what I need to do now is get my over-fat self up and exercise some today...but I have trouble seeing the point of anything anymore.

How does this happen, that I can feel horrible on Sunday, great on Tuesday, and now horrible again on Thursday? I know it's all my fault...but I don't think I have the strength of will or the ability to change this long-term. Sorry to be such a downer today...but as much of a cliche as this is, I honestly wish I hadn't been born.

Thanks for reading,

Rose


Edited 7/29/2004 7:32 pm ET ET by rosa444

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 9:05pm
((((Rose)))) I have to disagree with your doc. How on EARTH could she tell you that only 25% of your symptoms are treatable with meds! I have looked at the literature, and that is an odd and bordering on ridiculous thing to say. I am sure she seems professional and all that, but 25%??? That would make me feel horrible. It makes me angry that she says that, and your gutt reaction may have been to be bummed out. Of course.....it's ok...we are here for you.

And then to say that IBS (and physical problems) are psychological in origin. And that you use it to not go out???? You are depressed person, that comes with certain things that happen. They are not excuses, they are a reality we deal with. I am not sure that this woman is the doc for you.

As for the MAOI's there is a patch that is being used in studies. Most doc's simply have to do some investigating to become one of the doc's that can give it out provided they follow the study protocol. I took it, it was one of the nine meds that did not work for me. The MAOI's taken orally are quite scary and I decided not to try them. The food restrictions may not be horrible restrictive to your life, but they were to mine. I would have to have changed everything, and my blood sugar could not handle it.

I told you in my last post to you that I feel you are a wonderful friend. I know to me you have. As for comparing yourself to your sister, please try not to. You are Rose and a wonderful person, who many many folks here care a great deal about. I don't care if you have a twin, you are singularly unique to me.

Ups and downs happen, it is part of us. But talk to us. Email me through ivillage and we can chat via aol instant messenger.

My post is getting long. lol

I am so glad you post to us. I think you are a fabulous person, who is doing a lot!Don't forget your accomplishment of getting into med school, and moving to a new city. Heck, you have gone out a lot more than I have recently. (And I am not in a new place. lol) I wish I could help more than to just post to you.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 9:50pm
(((((((((((ROSE))))))))))

I for one am very glad you were born.

You are a kind, brave, compassionate

person who I am thankful for.

Things will get better,because you deserve

happiness instead of pain.

I am sending good thoughts your way.

Love Alanna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 10:59pm
((((Rose))))I am glad you were born too! You have accomplished so much. You are at one of the top med schools in the country. You have to realize what a great accomplishment that is! I'm a little confused by some of the stuff your new pdoc said to you. It seems like she had a lot of opions after only seeing you once. MAOI's were being talked about for me a few months ago. There are lots of food restricitons and I didn't want to try them. Fortunately the fact that I have asthma made them impossible for me to try. I hadn't read about the patch that Lisa mentioned. Maybe you could look into that. Just remember what an amazing person you are and how glad we all are that you post to this board! Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:25am
Thank you all very much...your words mean a whole lot to me. I guess part of the problem was the psychiatrist's evaluation of me, and part was probably just having to re-visit all my past issues and difficulties (since I had to tell my whole "story," including talking about my family and my twin, to 2 people in 2 days).

I hadn't heard of that MAOI patch...the doctor today mentioned just the pill forms (Nardil and Parnate, I think)...but I definitely relate to those of you who said the restrictions were too scary...I haven't looked into that much, but I've heard only horror stories about them.

Debbie, I agree that it does seem the doctor had a lot of opinions after only one talk... for one thing, she didn't ask me about my frequent ups and downs in mood (even though I wrote "depression/mood swings" as the primary problem on the intake sheet). One psychiatrist I saw about a year ago suggested the possibility of bipolar disorder...and while it's not clear to anybody, including me, how likely that is, I would rather try a mood stabilizer for the first time than go to something like an MAOI.

And Lisa, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought it strange that she said she could only treat 25% of my depression...that is very depressing in itself! And she did clearly suggest that these physical problems are my mind's creation (even though both my mom and sister are now going through bad IBS issues themselves, and neither is even depressed!).

Thanks to all of you for reminding me that I am of value, and to Alanna for saying that you're glad I was born (even though I still don't believe that, but I will try!). Lisa and Debbie, I have to say that I am amazed that you both could reply with such caring when you are going through some horrible physical and emotional problems...I really appreciate that, and you both are in my thoughts. And Alanna, I haven't heard much about what's going on in your life, but I also really appreciate it.

Thanks again, and although I'll try to keep from posting too much about myself, I may end up posting again this weekend...the weekends are always harder for me, and when I'm starting off in such a bad mood, I'm a little worried.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 8:32am
Rose, sweetie, don't you get it? *wink* We are your friends. You made me cry, good tears, for what you said to me and Deb. How sweet are you!!!!!

I am so glad that you told us about your sister and Mom who have IBS, and that they are not depressed. Awesome evidence to support the fact that this p doc is out of the loop, relative to you. Yes, telling all this stuff twice in one week would bum me out too. GOOD FOR YOU, for coming to excellent rational conclusions.

If we helped those conclusions, I am glad. You are a smart wonderful friend. But somtimes we can't step out of ourselves to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.

The patch as I said, is somthing that the FDA etc is doing studies on to approve. I can tell you that it is a fine option to taking them orally. No diet restrictions, and no pervading fear of creating a hypertensive episode.

There is actually another nationally based study about bi-polar disorders that are not huge swings but smaller ones. Here in Philly, theses studies are through what is called the Depression Research Unit. See if your local university has such a study group. It is free and sometimes you get paid to participate. It is also confidential. Give that a try, there may be a local study of the MAOI patch too.

Post all you want, you have enriched my life greatly. I am so glad that you came to be here on the planet. (my goofy way of saying "happy you were born").

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 11:04am
Rose,

I agree with the others I am glad that you are alive and were born also....

And just because you have a twin and she is different than you are meaning she doesnt have depression doesnt mean that her life is perfect...I am not a twin but I used to think that my sister had it all together and I was the messed up one well turns out she isnt as stable as I always thought..

As for the bipolar thing I tried to take an AD before I was diagnosed with cyclthymic disorder which is a form of bipolar less severe but chronic meaning it will never go into a sort of remission like most people go into...I took an AD and it did not help me at all I wa still way out there but this time way out there nad really tired so I went on mood stabilizers first was lamictal and htat worked so well but I got these bumps on my neck and my doctor thought that it was steven johnsons syndrome so I wentoff them and am now on neurontin which is working for me pretty well point is maybe ask about a mood stabilizer to see if it is helpful but if you have a concern at all about weight do not use depakote that causes massive weight gain...but you also need to do what is right for you..now as for the 25 percent being treated with meds that is a little out there dont ya think how can she make that judgement when she just spoke with you for the first time that is a little rash if you ask me

I understand the whole having medical problems what really are not there ting I have had aches and pains when there was no reason to and it turned out alot was in my head but since you have a family history of IBS then she had no right to go there with you, when Iwas having my headaches and had to get an MRI done my doc asked me if I was really having headaches or if I was faking them I wanted to punch him out how dare he tell me my pain isnt real and trust me it was more real than I care to remember ..my point is your doctor should not tell you these types of things especailly when they do not know you that well or your history..

Rose I need to run

I just wanted to send you some support

and huge

Sorry if I was all over the place it is one of those days for me

Erin