My folks are supportive, but...(trigger)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
My folks are supportive, but...(trigger)
2
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 12:11am
I feel like I'm caught between a rock & a hard place. I've been going to outpatient therapy 3 nights a week, getting treatment for depression & PTSD because I was sexually abused as a child by my paternal grandfather. Since my parents learned of what happened to me, they've been very supportive & helpful by watching my 2 young kids while I'm at sessions & my husband working. I asked mom if she would attend family groups with me & she flat out told me no. And my father hasn't said 1 word to me about my situation since the day I broke down on them & was admitted to the hospital. Now I'm at a point in my recovery that I want to talk to people about what happened to me. Unfortunately, that means my grandfather's good reputation will be blown apart. My dad says he has disowned his dad (he's been dead for about 10 yrs), but he doesn't want this information to be spread like wildfire gossip & possibly hurt my uncle & his family. I agree with my dad, but i still feel the need to open up more. We haven't told anyone I was in the hospital for 5 days, or anything else regarding my treatment.

So- do I open up, tell certain people I trust and risk my father's family getting angry at him (in my part of the country, this type of situation stays within the family)? Or do I continue to recover, keep things quiet, and not hurt my dad. I already feel guilty for bringing the whole situation up & causing my family pain. My relationship w/ my folks is finally starting to be comfortable again & I'm feeling safe being with them again. I don't want to hurt that in anyway.

I appreciate any input. Thanks, Karla

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 6:11pm

Hi and Welcome!


Its really hard for me to say hun not knowing the whole situation and I do think its something that only you and your family can decide.


I would suggest sitting down with your Therapist and really weighing out how much talking about to others will help.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:28am
Hi Karla,

it's not uncommon for dads or men in general to take on a silent position after the kind of news they have learned from you. I expect your dad is very angry with your grandfather and is maybe trying to sort out his feelings in a way that doesn't hurt you or others around him more. Or - it's something that just isn't talked about. Many families find it difficult to talk about sex let alone something that isn't even sex - it's abuse.

You may not need to tell your extended family at this point - it sounds like you want to be able to talk with your parents. Not talking about it only leaves you holding the silence and secrecy even longer. Maybe letting your parents know you want and need to tell them about your experience in a safe way - that they can listen to you and love you unconditionally. During a pre-chat maybe check with them on what they think is the best way to do this without going into details. Plan a day and a time if they don't want to discuss it right away. Remember that it is your healing process and you still need to do what is best for you and sometimes that might be without their blessing.

One thing my counseller told me when I broached the subject of coming out of the closet about my abuse was: If it helps to make you or the relationship stronger (if it is life-giving, healing and freeing) it's a good thing. If you feel you can handle the outcome if things don't go well, then good for you. If you're not ready for that, then wait till the time is right for you.

Anyways, just a few thoughts from my experience - of course knowing it may be different for you. You have to do what is right for you. Good luck!