New problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
New problems
2
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 2:03am
Hi, Jade again. You might have read my other posts. Since then, 150mg of Welbutrin was added to the 150mg of Zoloft that I was already taking because I was having bad nights and becoming suicidal again. After starting on the new medical regiment, I started feeling MUCH better. I was sleeping better because I wasn't as anxious.

But have you ever noticed that the ups are almost always followed by huge drops? My fiance (we are VERY close; he's my best friend and usually I talk to him when I feel suicidal,) moved to another city. It was really hard and I've been crying a lot. And as I'm sure everyone knows, when you're depressed, it's MUCH harder to deal with this kind of thing. Anyway, he moved in with friends and so he's often busy with them and so when I call to talk to him, just for a bit of comfort, he always seems too busy to talk. This is especially bad because usually I call him if I'm feeling down or suicidal and it almost always helps. But when he says he has to go because they're all going out, or whatever, it makes me feel worse. In any case, all of that is just background for the real problem. I was feeling so much better but after all the stress and the sadness of him leaving, I started getting down again.

Do you ever find that the pain of self-inflicted wounds when you're that upset make you feel better, like more in control? Well, he moved yesterday and in an attempt to stop crying I used a pair of fairly sharp tweezers to scratch myself. Just superficial, no blood drawn, but the pain made me feel better. Then when I called him last night and he told me that he couldn't talk because they were really involved in a game and he had to go, I felt worthless and awful. I took the tweezers and instead of making thin scratches, I took the broader part of the tip (they're the square-tip kind of tweezers) and scratched/shaved off almost all the skin on one patch on my stomach. Right now, I have four very raw patches of skin in that general vicinity that I made or added on to at various times today.

So that's bad, but here's the real issue. I tell my fiance EVERYTHING, and he tells me everything too; like I said, we're very close. We didn't live together, but I saw him almost everyday, and spent about every second night at his place. He is always VERY supportive to talk to about my depression, calming me down when I need it, but insisting that I tell him when something happens, like this scratching. So when I finally ended up talking to him tonight, I ended up telling him. But he's the type who worries and now I think he's worried about what I might do. I don't know if I did the right thing telling him. He says that I did, but I feel like I shouldn't have told him, since he moved only yesterday and this already is happening. I don't want him to feel responsible, but at the same time, he's the only one I can talk to about this stuff--I'm still working on getting a psychiatrist: the waiting lists are insane. I also don't want him to feel guilty about moving. He used to live very close to me but because of a lot of circumstances, that I won't go into, he had to move in with some friends of his.

Basically, did I do the right thing to tell him? I mean it made me feel a bit better for a while, but I'll probably still keep doing the scratching/shaving. I really need some help her because I feel guilty, tired and really, really sad. I miss him a lot.

Thanks so much for any help you can provide.

Jade

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
In reply to: jade_sunset
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 7:00am

(((((Jade)))) These things should worry you, much less your sweetie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: jade_sunset
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 4:00pm
hi Jade,

I am about to speak from experiance here....

I used to slice and dice up my arm literally, I would carry razors in my purse in my bedroom in my car at work they were everywhere I was just in case I needed them....

Both my arms have scars on them from my wirsts up to were your elbow bends they are not too bad now I did scar therapy the over the counter stuff and they helped now you have to really look at my arms to see the scars...but it is so not worth it I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for loosing control over my own emotions...it took alot of work and alot of talking but I stopped for a while now and I hope and pray that I never go back to that again...it took me a long time to show my arms to not wear long sleeves all the time but now I am okay no one says anything about them so I assume they dont see the scars...please try to look into some kind of clinic or something trust me doing self injury is not the way to go at all..it is not worth it..

Now as for your boyfriend taking advantage of having space in a different town try to give him a break on that one he is a guy he needs to be a guy with the guys he may not want to talk all the time I know I sound harsh but when I was really down and I talked about it all the time with my ex well it braught him down and that is part of the reason why he is my ex, I took him down as low as I was at the time and that is what made our relationship not work at the time now we are great friends and we have a 6 year old and he understands depression alot better he married a woman who has depression so he gets it now....maybe your boyfriend just needs that time to breath a little it doesnt mean that he doesnt care of anything like that try to think of it as breathing thats all....

I wish you the best of luck and please hang in there it seems that your boyfriend loves you alot and he seems to be here with you for the long run..

please check out the board that lisa gave the link to I am sure they will be very helpful to you.

Erin