For mulciber

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
For mulciber
4
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 2:13pm
I'm hoping you'll see this post, I replied a second time to your original post, wondering how your doing. You've been on my mind a lot, I know how hard being a Mom is somedays. I'm hoping your feeling better about yourself. ((((HUGS)))) I have 3 kids, and some days are extra hard, especially when your depressed. When you haven't any help around you, its 10 times worse. Always remember that you need to take care of yourelf to be able to care for those around you, ie kids, dh and pets. You need to take care of yourself, weather thats through time without the kids, therapy and or meds, which ever way you get help, you need it.

Please post again and let us all know how your doing, I'm thinking about you!!


((((HUGS))))

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
In reply to: cndmomof3
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:55pm
I'm just bumping this up to the top for you :o)

((((hugs))))

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: cndmomof3
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 12:50am
Thank you so much for trying to help! I do so much appreciate it. I did read your first response, and felt guilty and foolish for not going to the doc, so then I didn't answer. And then when I did answer, my computer crashed when I was trying to post - and I just didn't have the energy to type it all out again.

Although I still haven't gone to the doctor's, I have been taking some steps on my own just health-wise (physical health), and even that seems to be helping. I'm trying very hard not to eat too much junk, which is my usual response to stress and/or depression. I'm not doing all that great, but I have improved and it is making me feel better. I have been trying to make myself walk each day with the kids when we can - that has been helping even more. It's just 10 minutes to the park, and 10 back, and usually a game of "tag" with my 3 year old while at the park. Not much, but it takes off some strain and stress and we get to have some fun together.

Another reason that I haven't been checking in - and another reason I haven't felt as depressed - is I just have not had time this past month to think about myself. We have had houseguests on and off for several weeks, and just loads of family events (birthdays, reunions, etc.). It's been almost as good as baby-sitting as far as giving me a break, since one cousin or sibling or another is always helping with the kids and keeping them busy so I can actually sit and have an adult conversation (well, at least until someone needs a diaper change or a glass of water or whatever).

I didn't say in my original post whether I have a DH or not. How telling, really, since DH is one big reason for my being depressed. While he may mean well, he is just not a help with either the kids or the house. He takes out the garbage once a week. Wow, huh? I was talking with my cousin (male) today about how he and his wife split housework, and he does everything (mopping, bathrooms, windows, etc.) except dusting. If my DH does anything at all, even something small like emptying the dishwasher, it's accompanied by snide remarks about my housework. Last weekend I spent several hours on the couch because of pain in my abdomen (no, I don't know what it was, but it hurt - and I have a high pain threshold) - my 1 year old managed to use his new cruising ability to walk along the side of the table and reach a box of straws, which he then dispersed all over the floor. My DH came in and I asked if he could pick them up, explained that DS had spilled them. My DH said, "Why do I have to pick them up? I didn't do it," and then tried to make our 3 year old DD pick up the mess. That's just an example, but it is how he looks at everything. He is the center of the universe and feels he shouldn't have to be bothered with the actual day-to-day care for our kids. He prefers that they go to bed later in the evening so they won't be up in the morning until after he leaves for work - he wants the bathroom and kitchen to himself and not have to bother with them. He teaches, and during the school year he regularly is away 3 nights during the week, and works at least 1 day on the weekend, each weekend. My DS clings to him whenever he's home, as if he were going to leave at any moment (which is pretty reasonable, really, because he is).

After reading a lot of descriptions, I really do think that my DH has a lot in common with the diagnosis of narcisstic personality. I don't believe he will ever change. I'm the one that has to make some changes. I believe eventually we will be divorced. I'm not happy with this idea, but I don't feel as though my DH is a real "partner" to me. He makes his work his life; the children and I are more like a little hobby for him. When he feels like it, he'll pay some attention to them. If he'd rather be doing overtime or spending time with his friends, forget it. I try to figure out whether having a father around who acts like he's the most important thing in the universe is more harmful than not having a father around, or vice versa, and my head just starts to spin. Then there are all those issues of having to give up my desire to homeschool, of finding a job of some kind that will pay me enough to support myself and the kids, of finding care for them while I work. None of that is part of what I had planned on and prepared for, since DH and I have been together a long time and "we" wanted for me to be home with them. Funny how much is revealed about someone when you have kids with them.

Rambling and rambling - I'm so sorry! Too many big issues, for now I've decided to exercise, enjoy what sunshine there is, and praying to be as good a mother as I can be. Oh, I still have so, so very much to work on! But I'm feeling more primed for battle...

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: cndmomof3
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 1:12am

Mary,


I couldn't help but respond to your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
In reply to: cndmomof3
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:31pm
((((Mary))))

Firstly, I have to apoligize for not replying sooner, its been a crazy few days!! ((((hugs))))

I am SO glad that you got my message, lol, I was nervous that you got scared away by one of the original replies to your post!!

Please don't ever feel foolish, and not reply. Sometimes we need a fire lite under our butts, lol, I know many times it takes a total stranger telling me what I'm not doing to make me truly see what I need the most. And most times, its right in front of my face.

I'm SO glad that your taking steps to make things a little better for you and your kids, thats awesome!!! Good for you!!! Keep up the great work, I know you'll ALL benefit for your walks and your games of tag :o)

I'm glad that you've had visitors to help with the kids. That always makes such a huge difference. Someone once told me that the "old time" way of raising kids was having large extented familes around to help, like the saying it takes a community of family and friends to raise a family. Please don't ever feel week or less than because you've asked for help. Having someone there to help you with the kids, or so you can take off to see the Dr or for a hair cut isn't a bad thing. Firstly, the kids have someone NEW to play with and show attention to. Which for every kid is a grand thing. But secondly, you have time to yourself. There is nothing better you can do for your kids than take care of yourself. A healthy and happy Mom makes for a happy and healthy family!!! Always remember that!!!

You need to do something else that will make a HUGE difference in your life.

You need to tell your husband what you posted here, not necessarily that you posted, but all the things your feeling about your marriage. One more thing, I refuse to put the D for darling or dear in front of the H, because that isn't the case with you!! Tell him that your not happy, that you don't feel like an equal in your own household. That he must help with the children and the household chores. Tell him exactly how you feel. If he isn't willing to change or to get couples councelling to help him change then seek legal councel for a divorce.

If he doesn't change you will continue to be miserable, only you won't get used to it and it won't get better, it will get worse. Your children deserve to grow up in a happy home. Weather than means a Mom and a Dad in the same house, or seperate homes.

Most importantly, you deserve to be happy. Bull sh*t that this all might have been aloud or what you both wanted in the begining when it was just one child, or no children. Perhaps you enjoyed taking care of him, we all love to show our men how much we love them through the things we do for them. But for heavens sake, not when there is 2 more people living in the house that depend 100% on you for help!!!!! You are not able to do it alone, and if your husband doesn't see it that way, then its time for you to not be married to him.

Living alone as a single Mom will give you the independance that you need and desire. But it will also allow you to be happy and not living under someone elses ways. Yes, you will be alone and raising your children alone, but quite frankly, thats what your doing now, only you have more work to do as you've got to cook and clean up after a man that has zero respect for you!!! You deserve a better life and I fear you won't get it from him.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek councelling for you and your husband ask him to please come with you, as you do want to mend things that aren't working. If he refuses, go alone and get help.

Also, go see your Dr, please, although I commend you for taking steps to improve your health, I feel you might need more than just that.

I read so much hope in your last few words, and I believe without a doubt you will be happy, but I think you need to take some major steps in this battle!!

Take care of you and keep in touch!!!

((((hugs))))

Pam