Going Back to School and Lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Going Back to School and Lonely
3
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 6:11pm
As usual for me, it will end up taking me more words to say what I want to than are necessary, but please bear with me...

I guess almost 2 years ago, I went away to a private school about 3 hours away from home, and it was great at first. I had a really bad roomie who was heavily into drugs and sex, whereas I’m not. She ended up being kicked out that December, and my best friend moved in as my new roomie. About 2 months after, in February, I got into a bad situation which caused me to go into a spell of PTSD, which, while being a college student was not good at all. I became withdrawn, but luckily, my roomie helped support me and talked to me whenever I needed to. Sadly, my parents don’t know a thing about that situation—I just wouldn’t talk to them. Sorry to be vague, but it’s something I don’t freely talk about. At the time, I had a really bad bf who was cheating on me since Day 1, I found out and ended it.

I came home that summer and missed my friends who had been there for me through the thick and thin, and my mom was too busy to notice me because she was trying to help my cousin who had ran away from home. I felt very alone, and I just wanted to leave. At several points, I wanted to see a Dr to see what my problem was. I slept all of the time, worked here and there, and then it came time for me to go back to school. I had gone from wanting so desperately to move back to not wanting to leave at all. I begged my parents to let me stay here in town for school, but they insisted that I go back.

I went back last fall, hardly any friends, so I threw myself into my studies. I had a 4.0, so proud of myself, but hardly any friends to share it with. My parents didn’t even ask me how my grades turned out, and when they found out, all I got was a “that’s great.” I went back for the spring semester, made a few friends, but we were only lunch buddies. I started dating one of my best friends back at home, so I would come home a lot of weekends to see him and my family. I wanted to transfer back home again, and at first, my parents said yes, but then they changed their minds.

Now it’s the end of the summer, and the thought right now of going back to school just sends me crying to my room. My bf and I talked about it last night, and he is wonderful, but he wants me here, just as I want to be here too. I am so down right now that I’ve spent basically the past 3 days in my room thinking, crying, doing anything to distract myself from the problem. I have already asked my parents again about the transfer, but they think the school I go to is so great and that nothing wrong happens there.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for on here, but any help would be much appreciated. I just feel so down right now that this is one place I felt I could turn to, since I use these boards a lot. Should I try to stay here as to alleviate my sadness of going back, or just stick it out again and deal with it? A lot of what I feel depresses me about going back to school is the memory of things that happened there that brought me down in the first place. That one time, a year and a half ago, was the lowest I have ever been in my life. Is it just the thoughts of those old things that makes me hate it there, along with me not having any real friends after 2 years of school? My parents are going to have such a fit about me asking again to transfer, and I’m starting to feel that if I explain my depression with there that it might help. What do you all think?

Thanks in advance for your help!

-Lauren

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 9:00pm
Lauren, I don't have any advice, but I do have hugs and prayers for you. Take care of yourself! By the way I have PTSD too. So you're not alone. I have a vague gut feeling it may be for a similar reason. What ever your trama, you are not to blame! Come around and vent anytime! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:28am

((((Lauren)))) My only advise is about the resources at your school, whichever one you end up at.

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 3:22pm
Dear Lauren~

What you are going through sounds so difficult. I wonder if you feel that you could talk to either of your parents about what happened to you. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with them, but maybe talking just to your mother would help. I was date raped at 21 (don't know if this is your situation) and I have never told my parents. I was also raped as a young child and just told them a year ago--it was so hard, but I needed to do it. Whatever has happened to you has clearly had an important negative effect on you, and if you really don't want to return to that school, that may be the only thing that works for them to see that you need to stay home. Your other option might be just to tell them that you are suffering from PTSD and just aren't ready to talk about it yet, but I'm not sure that, as a parent, I would be able to let that go easily w/o details. If you have a 4.0 GPA, it might be hard for them to see that there is any problem, esp. if they do not really know what you are going through. They probably think it's "just" about your bf (not to discount that, but you're not on the moon after all, just three hours away).

Okay, here are my suggestions: Talk to at least one of your parents about what happened. Explain that while your grades have been good, you really don't think this school is good for you emotionally. Tell him/her/them that you are feeling very depressed, and not only b/c you will be leaving your bf. Then, get help, either privately or through your school. I think you really need someone to talk to so that you can get well again. You are too young to spend so much of your life depressed! Please get help and get well.

One more thing: If you and your bf break up, will you still want to be in your hometown? Just something to think about before you make a final decision.

Big hugs and best wishes to you; it will be tough, but getting yourself better will be worth it.

~Nicola