Please Read..Need Advice/Support/Etc...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Please Read..Need Advice/Support/Etc...
5
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:35am
I am a work at home mom of two boys, ages 4 and 2. They are high-spirited, energetic, prone to tantrum throwing, bickering and fighting, misbehavior, etc. For awhile now I have felt akin to a prisoner. I wake up in the morning and pray for night. I spend as much time with my extended family as possible, so I can have extra hands helping me with them. Caring for the home and kids leaves me little time to work, so my income is piddly and we are always broke, the bills are always late. I am married to the boys' father, but it is not a satisfying marriage. My husband sleeps upstairs with our 4 year old, who won't sleep alone. (He slept with us since 6 mos of age, my mistake, I know...) I sleep in the living room with the two year old, who refuses to sleep upstairs in the bed. Everytime I take him up there he wakes up and screams to go downstairs and sleep. My husband works but does not make that much money and puts extreme pressure on me to make more money. His free time is spent working, napping, or playing on his computer. We have very little in common and I am feeling like the marriage is a sham (we've been married for 6 years, together for 11). However neither one of us have any intention of divorcing, at least until the kids are grown. So we pretty much live like roomates. He feels that his only real duty is to bring home a paycheck. I am frustrated with him and motherhood. I secretly wish at times I had never married or had children. Then I feel guilty. I am just hoping I can survive until these children are grown. Isn't that awful? I feel like a bad mother and a bad wife...I am writing so that perhaps I won't feel so alone anymore...

Blessings,

Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 10:49am

Hi and Welcome!


We are definately here to listen and You are Not alone!

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:43am
Quick question for you?

DO you want to be married to this man or not?

Do you love this man?

I ask cause you stated that neither of you plans on getting the divorse because of the kids...

Can I introduce you to a friend of mine who is more screwed up now in her adult life because her parents stayed together "for the kids" and got divorsed when she was 18 cause her and her brother were grown, she grew up praying that her parents would get a divorse it damaged her more to have them be together than to get away from one another..

I have issues cause my parents got divorsed but mine stem from the fact that my dad forgot about my sister and I and never gave a crap about us..

Trust me it is so much better that if you are unhappy in your marriage and he is unhappy and oyu do not want to be married to just seperate from one another..but that is jus my opinion..

As for the depressuion I would try to find a counsler or something to help you thru the tough times have someone to talk to who is not involved in your life on a personal level that way you can gt the best care you deserve..

I know alot of people who have there kids sleep withthem when they are babies and Iagree BIG mistake I did it with my son and for two years he wanted nothign to do withhis own room he fianlly at the age of six loves to have his own room and prefers to sleep alone no matter what..he will nap with you though..

thing is most parents have there kids sleep with them when they are babies not realizing what they are creating..

I hope that the other ladies here give you the help inight and support you are looking for

Sorry if I was harsh but it irks me when people Stay together for the kids when it just damages the kids

best of luck to you in your search..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 12:05pm
Angela,

I'm probably not the best or most fit person to reply to you, but I understand much of what you feel. I do no have the stress of being in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage, and I don't have two children so close in age, but I'll tell you what I do know and feel. I do know that when I leave for work in the morning, I'm typically relieved that I don't have to stay at home all day with my three year old. And on the weekends, I often wonder how I will make it throught two whole days. I remember being at home with him until he was four months old, and it was very, very hard. I was in school and trying to work from home, too. He had major sleep issues, and I was nursing and ended up letting him sleep right nest to me or on top of me. It's the only way he'd sleep, and therefore it was the only way I got any sleep. Depression kicked in after his birth, and then waned aroud his first birthday, but it's back again in full force.

When I'm not depressed and full of general anxiety, I do enjoy spending time with him more. I play with him more, and I see where it benefitshim greatly. That's why I feel so much guilt when I'm not being the best mother I can be. But then again, I also wonder if, in fact, I am being the best mother I can be under the circumstances, or rather, with my mental state. But then the guilt kept building and that didn't sound good anymore, so I tried some meds. I don't think I'm on the right meds, and I think I would benfit tremendously from therapy. If I could afford it.

I understand, too, the stress of not having enough money. In fact, I get to the point where I'm so out of sorts and full of anxiety that even if I do have the money, I still don't pay my bills on time.

In regards to sleeping, my son still has t fall asleep next to me. Then I move him tohis own bed about 50 percent of the time. Once he's in his own bed, he wakes up in the middle of the night about 25 percent of the time. The problem with him having to go to sleep next to me is that I have to pretend to be asleep to get him to sleep. Well, I normally then fall asleep. And if I do that, then I go through a whole 'nother day of not doing anything AT ALL, FOR EVEN 30 MINUTES, that I want to do.

And then it's difficult to talk to others about these feelings because they look at you as if you're some sort of horrible person or mother. I don't know about you Angela, but even with all of my guilt, I know I'm a very good mother. My son is thriving and is happy. Currently he's being very whiney--perhaps in response to my agitated self--or maybe I feel mroe agitated because he's going through some funk. I'm not sure.

Oh, I could go on and on. You sound wuite hopeless.

Are there an mothers-day-out programs at nearby churches? Could you afford to put them in a part-time daycare program? Would the money you'd be able to make while they're at the part-time program pay for the program? If it would, maybe it's time they go. Being a stay-at-home parent is SO hard, and it's harder on some people than others. I'll tell you what, I no longer feel intellectually stimulated at my job, but it still gives me some peaceful time.

Sorry I can't help more,

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 10:21am
Angela,

You are NOT ALONE! My name is Angie and I stay at home with sons (3 and 4). I have suffered with Depression for many years. I have good times, and bad times. Are you on any medications? I only ask because sometimes medications for the depression were all that could help me. Prozac has helped me be a better wife and mother.

I may be out of line with this next bit of advice, please forgive me if I am, but I feel it is SO important. It seems to me like you need to set some boundries in your home. It would help so much if the kids would sleep on their own in their own beds, and you and hubby could have some normalicy. I understand this is easier said than done. But being a mom of two boys, I know it can be accomplished. You would need to incorporate a bedtime routine and have calm consequences if your boys don't adhere to the new rules. At two and four they are old enough to grasp the concept of rules and expectations. It would be quite a struggle at first, but again, I know it can be done.

If your boys are in bed by nine, you have the evening to relax and regroup, and hubby has this time as well. It is essential to have time away from your kids. Even if it is just in a seperate bed. It is a good, attainable start for you. Please let me know if I can help. My heart is with you.

~Angie

Mom to Nathan, 4, and Mathew, just turned 3

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:54pm
((((Angela))))

Oh my all I want to do is grab you and give you a ton of ((((hugs)))) right now.

I sincerely believe that you've gotten some good advice so far, and I really believe that you need to get the sleep situation under control. I have 3 kids, and had sleep problems with the younger two. And yes, it began with wanting to sleep with them as babies, but they quickly become bigger children, who know which buttons to push for us to give in to them. It took a lot of work and consistancy on my part, as dh wasn't much help with it all, but it worked. So please, put them in their own beds, stay with them at first if need be. Yes they will scream and cry, but eventually, it will mean a better nights rest for you and your dh.

Secondly, I don't think your a bad wife or mother. Both roles require a lot of work, and drain us emotionally sometimes, if not all the time. I sincerely believe that you need councelling, both seperate from your dh and also alone. Basically to find out if your marrige is worth saving. Stay married for the children is wrong. I can promise you that, your not helping the situation or your children.

Also, looking into playgroups for your children would be most helpful. Not only will they make friends, but hopefully you will too. And it might get some of their energy out of them ;)

Take care of you and remember we're always here for you

((((hugs))))

Pam