How to help someone you love

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
How to help someone you love
1
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 3:45pm
My boyfriend is very depressed. We have only been dating for a few months, but have known each other for a few years. He has battled depression the last 9 years on and off. A year ago, he went through a serious bought of depression. He dropped out of college and basically did nothing for a while. Finally, he realized what was going on and decided to get out of the depression. Since then, he has worked hard to maintain a healthy outlook. Lately, his moods have been coming back. Last week he told me he felt like he did when he had the last bad depression. Instead of him having the occasional bad day, he is now stuck in the mood and cannot seem to get out of it. He wants us to break up because he is too good for me and he is going nowhere. He says he is a failure and will never be happy again. He admits he is depressed and being irrational, but he will not get help. He makes excuses- it's too expensive, he is beyond help, it will not last, it makes him feel crazy. He has never seeked professional help (which he obviously needs)and refuses to do so. I don't know what to do. I love him, and before this, we had the "perfect" relationship. I know how things can be and how happy our lives can be together. We went from talking about marrage one day to him telling me to break up with him and never see him again for my own good. I do not think abadoning him will help or is the right thing. When he was better, he told me not to let him push me away and to hold on. Now, he is convinced the relationship is ruined, even when he gets better because he is weak and he cannot stand that I saw him like that. Any suggestions on how to make him get help or what do to would be greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:21pm
I was so confused when I first read your post because we have someone else with the name "Irisheyes" on our board. She doesn't have a boyfriend, so I was perplexed. But she's Irisheyes1975.

I'm sorry for what you are going through with your boyfriend. We get this question quite often, both from girlfrineds and from boyfriends of depressed people. The nature of depression is to be in a self-perpetuating negative cycle. The disease causes us to push away those closest to us. We feel hopeless and have nothing to give them. We feel self-loathing and unworthy of their love. It feels like all of life is meaningless and there is no way out of the pain and apathy.

It's important to realize that his attitude and behavior are just classic parts of the disease. It isn't his fault.

Depression is a very treatable disease. It has great improvement with a combination of medication and therapy. Aerobic exercise has as high a success rate in treating depression as medication does.

A type of therapy called Cognitive Behavior Therapy has been shown to have the greatest success rate with treating depression.

As the mate of a depressed person, you can support and love the person. You can even give them resources to get better. But you cannot make the person heal. Men tend to seek treatment for depression less often than women do. They also tend to isolate themselves more often.

I highly recommend a book called "I Don't Want to Talk About It: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terence Real. The book talks about why men suffer from depression and how they deal with it. The book could help your boyfriend feel less alone and abnormal about his feelings.

The book recommends starting on an antidepressant to take the worse of the edge off of the depression, then going into therapy to deal with inner grief and learn to live in a healthier, more connected way with yourself and your loved ones. It's a great book. I think Terence Real has a website on male depression as well.

I also recommend that your boyfriend see a doctor. His doctor can give him a medical evaluation. Depression is often a symptom of a different health problem, like hypothyroid. Blood test can rule out other medical causes. His doctor could give your boyfriend his medication options.

In the end, it is going to be up to him whether he wants to move forward or not. Some people choose to and others don't. Unfortunately, we can't push someone to do something they don't feel like doing. I've tried it with a couple of different men. I ended up divorcing someone who wasn't willing to do anything to treat his depression and he was pulling me down with him. Unfortunately, depression often rubs off on the people closest to a depressed person.

I don't want to discourage you, but it's important to know the risks. My current dh stayed with during my depression. I finally got to the point where I was in so much pain I couldn't face trying to pull myself through one more day. I'm not a fan of medication, but I asked my doctor for an antidepressant as a last resort. It really helped me turn the corner. I later went into therapy during a personal crisis and came out of that feeling better than I have in years, maybe ever! It was Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I'm now studying to be a therapist and have learned so much more about the disease.

Good luck to you and your boyfriend. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

All My Best,

MariaC