Update: Talking in the Way

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Update: Talking in the Way
3
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 4:28am
Thanks for all of your responses to my other post, and I promise, this one will be shorter!

Previous Post: "Going Back to School and Lonely" http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhdepression/messages?msg=45215.1

Well, ok, so I talked to my mom a little bit about things today, and she got off on some tangent about my cousin, and I got her back on track. I explained to her that me going back to school is depressing for me to even think about, but I was so scared to admit that I had gone through a bout of depression that I broke down and started crying to where I couldn't explain myself. I never really got into the details of what made me that way, but I explained to her that I was so sick of it that I almost went countless times to a Dr in order to get a prescription for something to help, but I never did that because, I dunno, I don't think drugs are the first answer in every situation. My thinking is more along the lines of "find the problem, try to fix it, then if need be, medicinal methods..." Anyway, she seemed sort of unaffected by my talk, but she did seem to be more attentive to me, which she usually doesn't seem to care what I have to say, so for us, as a mother/daughter relationship goes, that's a good thing.

I decided tonight that I'm going to write what I want to say on paper, that way, when I start crying , I have a sort of speech that I can go by, so that my words don't get confused, and also so that I won't chase rabbit trails all over the place. My so-called plan is to tell her about the incident that made me that way, or this way still, sparing the cruel details, and see what her reaction is. She herself is manic-depressive, so I would think her understanding would be sympathetic. I am also so scared that she will say something like, "why didn't you tell me 2 years ago," or "I guess it made you stronger," or something along those lines... I talked to my ex-bf a little bit about it tonight, and his response was that anyone with a soul should understand this. I am _SO_ not comfortable talking about it, but I figure if I show her that what I'd be headed back into was simply awful, then maybe she would rethink it. I do go to a really great private school, where I'm getting a good education and making good grades, but which is better in life: to be smart and successful but depressed, or get a perhaps less "great" education and feel safe from the evil things that men can do? My opinion is that the answer is obvious.

For now, that's the plan. Unless I get a reply before tomorrow around lunchtime that it's a really bad idea, I'll more than likely go through with it, although there are plently of chances for me to chicken out. I am just so down right now, and it may seem like a desperate attempt to "get what I want," but I do not want to be around those types of people anymore. My school has ended up being full of hypocrits and liars, and I know that I will find that everywhere , but if I make an effort to be around better people than these so-called Christians, then at least I tried. Also thanks for all of your support on here. You guys have always been good to me when I make random stops in...

-Lauren

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:19am
Lauren, I think this is a really good idea. Would you consider even just giving her the note and letting her read it and digest it before coming to you to talk about it? I don't know which would be better; it's really up to you to decide what you are most comfortable with. If she says either of those things that you are afraid of--or anything else like that--it is probably just b/c she can't deal with your pain, not b/c she really thinks that. However, just bear in mind that she may end up saying something she doesn't really mean out of surprise. Are you ready to hear that and be okay with it? If not, just giving her the note may be the way to go. That's just my 2 cents, though; do whatever you think is best.

Let us know how it goes. Good luck!

Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:52am

I have to agree with Nicola.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 2:01pm
Thanks to all of you!

I am super nervous right now only because I don't really know what to expect. I'm thinking about just talking from the heart, but for me, I have a problem putting my thoughts into words sometimes, like I can think something, but I somehow can't put it into a phrase. It's really weird, but I get over it. I write things out a lot of times just to get out frustration and anger, and also to clearly organize my thoughts where I can better see them.

I don't know how her reception is going to be, but I do feel that if she sees how scared I am away from here, then maybe compassion will come through and she will see that I NEED to stay local. We shall see... I'll let you guys know what happens.

-Lauren

PS-Caly, I love your quote, it's one of my favorites! :-)