Sorry to Post So Much [Rant]

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sorry to Post So Much [Rant]
9
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 5:36pm
Well, we talked about it, but completely not like I would have wanted to. She said something along the lines of, "if you ever have something to tell me, just say it," so I did. I just told her that I had been in some bad situations which made me so down about myself that I wanted to get away. Her responses were "were you in environments that could have caused that, and why didn't you tell me at the time?" I didn't tell her anything at the time because I knew it would be like this. She and I don't have a very good relationship, even though she thinks we have a great one, so there's a problem there, but whatever. She told me that the same thing happened to her when she was younger, so I thought that that meant she understood, but what she really showed me was, "see, I came ok out." No she didn't! She is one of the most scatter-brained people I know of, she thinks water has toxins in it that is killing our family, she thinks dating is bad, she thinks vitamins are the only answer to living healthy. She wants to move, but when she found the perfect house, and then its flaws, so she decided to update things around our house while she kept looking. Why put more money into something you want to sell? Argh! I am so frustrated right now because I got myself into a catch-22. She told me that her rules were that if I didn't like school after year 1, then I could change, and after that, I was stuck. I knew that, but after year 1, I told both my parents that I had a bad feeling that I shouldn't go back. No one ever listens to me around here. Sadly, I am the most educated one in this house, and I know textbook educations don't mean nearly as much as life educations, it's still frustrating. Anyone with a real heart would see how awful it is for me, and how scared I was to ever say anything, but she still thinks that I should just suffer through it. Sure, something like that can happen anywhere, but it didn't. It happened away at school, and if I were at home, it wouldn't happen here. I can't get into situations here that are remotely like that. So now I am stuck.

My boyfriend is upset because I am trying so hard, and the more feelings I show her, the more pain I give out, it gets me no where. I'm sure he hates to see me having to go through so much, when school really should be MY choice. He knows that I'll have to say good-bye again and go back to a place that I hate, only to be scared all the time. I am the one who is studying, so I should be able to spend my time where I'd like. I always debated putting the debt into my own hands and just signing up for classes around here, telling them "this is what I'm doing," but I don't know if that's close to reasonable. How crazy would they think I was if I did that? What's so hard is that she asked me why I want to change after 2 years, instead of the first one. When I explain to her that I DID want to after the first year, I asked them about it, and they said no, well, I didn't have much say in that, and now I'm asking again, and getting a no again. Aren't parents supposed to listen to their kids, and see what they're afraid of, and try to protect them from those things?? I know and understand that you can't protect them from everything in the world, we all have to live, but I do think that if something is scaring them, even something like walking across campus at night, then that can be fixed. I need to get away from that environment, to get where I don't have to see those people that have hurt me ever again, that's what I need. I don't need to suck-it-up and move on with my life. Sure, it may have made me a bit stronger, but also, I am so weak. I don't trust hardly anyone, and I did trust her to do the right thing, and now, I have nothing. It got me no where. She barely listened to me, but I was trying to pour it all out to her, and nada.

I don't know what I need to do. I already registered for classes around here, so I thought about just doing that, no questions asked, and see what happens. Problem is, I have no money to pay for it right now, but I could pay them back or whatever. I don't want to ruin the family relationship over this, but I don't think she understands how awful it truly is for me there. Good education? Maybe, but with that is coming pain and hurt from those I thought I could trust. Any help/advice would be appreciated...! Thanks for everything!

-Lauren

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:19pm

(((((((((((((((((((((Lauren)))))))))))))))))))))))))


I personally think that if I were in your shoes, I would go talk with the financial aid people at the local school and see if you can get loans or whatever to take classes close to home.

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:22pm
Lauren! Don't apologize for posting again; I was wondering what had happened, so thanks for the "report." Hmmmmm okay, it obviously didn't go well. I have a feeling (may be wrong) that your mother has never dealt with what happened to her, and that her only defense is to *pretend* that it didn't matter. If she admits that what happened to you affected you, then she'd have to admit that it affected her too. And she's not ready to admit that to herself.

Now, while that may or may not give you some insight into her own motivations, it doesn't help you. Can you talk to your dad? Maybe he would be a better person to talk to. Can you just flatly refuse to go? Would it be worth it for you to drop out of school and go back later to a different one? Is the fact that it's a Christian school (I think you said this) make them think it's better somehow? Could you join a Christian group at your local school to make them feel better? Do they disapprove of your boyfriend? You said that your mother thinks dating is bad, so maybe she wants you to stay away where you may forget about him (although I met my dh when I was in university, so you never know...). To be honest, I sometimes think men are better to talk to about this kind of thing b/c they can sometimes be less emotional about it; plus, your dad most likely feels protective towards his little girl and may be the one to talk your mother into letting you stay. I'm sorry to ask so many questions, but these are just things for you to think about; you don't have to answer.

BTW, I am a college teacher, and I have had a number of students come to me w/ serious personal issues over the years. You are not at an easy age, and I hope you will find the strength to do what is best for you; I know I didn't have it at your age.

P.S. I just reread your post and noticed that you suggested signing up for classes and taking on the debt yourself. I think that may be a good idea. I'm certainly not advocating debt as a positive financial position, but it probably wouldn't be a huge amount if it were a state school for a couple of years. Lots of kids graduate and spend $20,000 on a new car, so why not spend that on your education? I don't know how student loans work in the US, but in Canada, you don't pay anything until you graduate, and then you pay it back over 10 years at a very low interest rate, 1% above prime. It's something to consider if you really feel that you cannot go back. I would also encourage you again to go into counselling, either privately or through your school. If you don't want to go the route of meds, then you need to do something else, even if it's just short-term.

Take care of yourself, and I'm glad you have your bf to help support you,

Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 2:09am
I don't think either of you know how much I truly appreciate getting replies back and the help you've given me is awesome.

First and foremost, no matter what happens, I am definitely going to find some type of counselor I can talk to, more than likely someone on campus, for convenience. At the time, I looked into it, and my roomie called about it, but I honestly can't remember why I didn't go. Perhaps, I was ashamed, and since it is a Christian school, my thinking was the counselor would say, "yea, right. This didn't happen here." I also like the idea of a self-defense class. I had a mini-one in high school, but it was more talk talk talk than practical use.

It is very much still in my mind that I want to just sign up for classes here and tell them that this is what I am doing, not this is what I want to do--I already did it! I honestly don't understand if my current school is 'so great' and it's private, the school where I want to go is also very good, private, and I'd get more scholarships there. When I first applied to schools I only applied to the current one, we'll call it "S," and I was accepted. I got a bad feeling in my gut, which I trust always, that I shouldn't leave, that for some reason, I needed to stay here, school "L." I applied there, got accepted, and in the Spring, found out about scholarships. S had offered me a certain amount of money, and L offered me WAY more, but even at Christmastime, my parents had bought me dorm stuff with the colors of S, meaning that they would like me to go there, but that "it didn't matter." L is part of a huge campus school where I had already gone for 13 years, so I guess I wanted to get away, live in another place, *be on my own*. Both schools have rigorous Bio programs, so I don't see the difference, but apparently, there is one. I know that if I applied to L again, which would be the 3rd time already, that I would get the same scholarships, if not more, because my GPA is higher than when I originally applied. The loans wouldn't be a big deal either since I work, and I don't think I'd end up with TOO much debt. I actually looked tonight to see if the classes I need were still open, and they are, so I clicked "register," haha. I was a transient for the summer and so I still have access to everything, and I don't think I have to re-apply. Both places allow me to graduate December of 05.

As far as my Dad is, I think he is afraid of my mom. Whenever she starts her little crazy actions and gets all weird and off-the-wall, the family way of dealing with it is just to ignore it. We all know that's bad to do, but it's the easiest way to deal with someone who is set in their way. He won't stand up to her, even when she'll put him down in front of guests and such. He is on my side, but like they said in a movie once, "the man is the head, but the women is the neck... She can move the man any way she wants."

At one point they did disapprove of my bf, but I think it was because we went about it the wrong way in their opinion. We had known each other for 2 years, and I asked him to visit me one weekend, just as friends, but we'd always liked each other, only the timing wasn't right; what a cliche, I know! Anyway, about a week later, we decided to give the LDR thing a try, and when I would come home, he and I would go out, but we had always gone out together, so on the outside, nothing looked different. I just assumed that my mom knew because I told her how much fun we had down there together, and I had started the bf talk, where he's all I talk about for 15 minutes. She didn't get it, so I ended up blurting it out, and she was just surprised. I think her perception was that I wanted to drop out of school and just get married and 'ruin' my life. That's way off, I want a great career, and yes, we've talked about marriage, it's something we both want, but not tomorrow. She has gotten to be more receptive of him as of late because I think she realizes that he is so great to me, that he's what I've always wanted in a guy, and that he's not some quickie fling.

I used to think about pressing charges against the two guys, but at the time I didn't exactly know where to turn to because I was so ashamed of it all, I didn't want to talk about it with anyone. The only person that knows I guess the entire truth, in all its details, is my 2nd roomie, and she is really a great person! I owe a lot to her, but even she didn't think about calling the police or anything. I guess we go to a private school, and it's not exactly something that's posted on the dorm activities board, so it just escaped our minds. We were freshman in college, and this wasn't something that they covered in orientation, and like I said, no one talks about anything, and at the time, I didn't know iVillage existed, or else I would have been here a long while ago!

The whole thing puts me at a loss for words. I always trusted people, coming from a sheltered background, but after I didn't trust anyone. I did have a great group of people who helped me and didn't even know anything, but talked to me anyway, and at the time, it was great. This past year, I attempted to bond with them more, and in turn, found that they were such hypocrits. I don't hate anything more than a liar. So to find out that friends which I finally trusted ended up being a group of people I couldn't trust, well, everything got thrown out the window. I didn't want to date ever again, I didn't want to have any male friends, guys were off the menu for me, but someone that was always there for me, is still always there for me, my bf.

Mom tried to talk to me as I was leaving to see a friend tonight. "We love you, and we want you to be happy. We don't do things just to make you mad. Another year and a half there is nothing compared to the rest of your life. We gave you a chance a year before, and you didn't take it. You're already more than half-way through. Bad things can happen anywhere." I heard the words, but it's just cold.

I'm going to try again tomorrow. Maybe I need to show persistence. "Look I'm not going to drop it until my voice is heard!" Like I told my bf tonight, it seems I can't win sometimes, and his motto is find a way to win, but unfortunately, it's not working for me right now. If I didn't tell her what was wrong, then it might not have gotten changed, even so, I did tell her, and nothing changed. I lost either way, but I went head-first, and I'm still going strong. I just don't know if I'll be able to keep on keeping on. Tonight I almost just accepted the fact that I'd be leaving in 2 weeks again; I started crying because I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for everything again, and sorry to type so much. Maybe I should have looked into becoming a writer like I wanted to do when I was younger. Life goals= Age 14: Reporter, Age 20: Doctor. Not quite on the same lines, but, things change.

-Lauren

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 6:11pm
Lauren, you CAN keep going. You can do it; you are strong. Am I right in guessing you were raped? Or sexually assaulted in some way. You made it through that, and you will make it through whatever else life throws at you. I'm sure your mother wants the best for you, it's just that she thinks she knows what is best better than you do, which may not be accurate. You did the hardest thing, which is telling her what happened to you, and whatever else you have to do will not compare, I'm sure. Why not register for those courses and present to her as a "fait accompli"? You could even drop the courses that you're registered for at the other school, if you are comfortable doing that. I doubt that they would *force* you to go if you flatly refuse. I

have to say that I'm pretty surprised at your mother's reaction; having been assaulted myself, I would be horrified if it happened to my dd, and would do whatever it took to make her well. But I don't know what your mother's motivations are. Maybe she feels like if you leave the school, you will in a sense be letting them "win." But you need to take care of your own mental health.

I think that a self-defense course is a great idea. It would give you a greater sense of confidence. Just taking a martial arts course might be something good too. I'd also recommend reading "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. It's about how we often know things in our gut and don't listen. He was FBI and has some interesting insights.

You are doing great, Lauren! Just keep at it; refuse to go if you have to--you're not 2 anymore so they can't force you into the car, lol!

Big hugs,

Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 8:58pm
Hi, Lauren...I know I haven't posted to you before, but I wanted to let you know that I really admire you for talking to your mom (even though I wish she had reacted differently) and for doing what it takes to go where you feel comfortable. Keep it up... you'll make it through this.

Hugs,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 1:34am
Just to update...

I got home tonight and just talked to my dad. Apparently, mom and dad had a talk while I was out tonight, maybe they talked last night too, and is it HIM who won't let me change schools, "you should just finish what you started." She told him in vague details about it all, and his solution was just to file a charge or restraining order against them, but for me to go back. I told him, "you know if I go back, that I'll end up hating you for it." I guess hatred isn't much to him, I dunno. I've always been closer to my dad, so it's weird to see him react like this. I guess I was way way wrong about them. I had already made a schedule out and everything. I was going to finalize the details tonight, and present it tomorrow. I had it all in my head, but now, it seems as if it's gone.

Tonight was pretty sad, though. My bf realized that I'd be going back, (even though I am still fighting the hard fight, and will until I can't anymore) and he was extremely upset. The whole situation makes him so mad that he won't even talk to me about it. All I get back from him is one-word answers. If I have to leave again, I know that when I call to talk to "my sweetie," I'll be greeted by someone who doesn't want to talk to me, or my family. While being away, he's the very person I want to stand right there beside me, so, if I move back, it's going to be very painful. He just doesn't want to see me go back into a state of depression, a state where I just want to be left alone. So, needless to say, I'm pretty down right now about it. I'm getting hurt on both ends, but I guess, I don't know, I just need to sleep it off. I'm going to try to talk to my mom again tomorrow when she and I take our weekly Sunday trip together. Thanks for being so supportive. Know that no matter the outcome, I'm still wanting to get some type of help.

-Lauren

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 1:47am

((((((((((((((((Lauren))))))))))))


I am so angry on your behalf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 3:21am
THANK YOU SO MUCH!! Your response was really touching to me, and I'm so glad that I read it before I got to bed! :-) Thank you so much for your support, your words, everything. It’s so stressful right now, and tension is high around the house. We all had a “talk” today which resulted in fighting, and so I left. I felt like my voice wasn’t heard, so I just decided it was better to walk away than continue to yell and get nothing accomplished.



Today I even offered to pay for school myself, I don’t know how I would, but other people seem to find a way, so why couldn’t I too? My parents ended up telling me, in not so many words, that they would make my life a living hell if I stayed at home. I don’t understand that, but it puts me into an awkward situation. My bf doesn’t want me to go, but my parents are making it to where I hate it here, so, I want to get away from this mess. It’s like they are forcing me to hate being at home so that I’ll want to leave. Because of them driving me away, I want to get out on my own even more. What to do, what to do... They still don’t understand why I didn’t speak up until now, but, to me, it’s such a personal issue, and still hard to talk about, that it’s not something I would want to bring up so casually.

Tonight my bf said things about my parents that hurt me to hear, since they are my parents, but also, I know he was telling the truth about their actions lately. He doesn’t understand how a parent can see their child hurting but refuse to do a thing about it. His motto is “find a way to win,” but with them, apparently NOTHING will constitute a change of schools for me, my win. I remember last night crying for a couple of hours, and I don’t even know why. Crying because I feel like my life is just not what it should be, crying because I can’t seem to find a solution to the problem, I really don’t know.

Since it’s pretty apparent to me that I’ll be headed back in 2 weeks now, thank you for the guardian angel to watch over me. I guess in a way, I’m giving up the transfer fight, but I’m going to try to set up scholarships and try again for next semester. That’s the plan for now. I have a feeling that the tension won’t subside for a while, but it’s not my problem; I’ll be gone, haha. Maybe something will 'click' this week, and they’ll see where the problem lies. Thank you for all of your support, and I’ll update if need be. No matter the outcome, I’m going to start seeing a counselor ASAP. At least that is a step in the right direction, doing something for me personally.

-Lauren

PS-Your dogs are sooo cute!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 3:39pm

Thank you for the compliment on my puppies (dogs).