Lauren/babe 0206

Avatar for mumontherun
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Lauren/babe 0206
4
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 9:12am
I'm sorry I didn't post last night; I just didn't have time. I'm glad you got such a wonderful message from Tracey, though, and I hope that helped you sleep better. I am so, so sorry about what is going on with your parents. I have been thinking about you a lot and I just want to cry; it makes me so sad to think what you are going through. I guess it really hits home b/c I feared being treated like that, too, which is why I never told my parents what happened to me. But when I did, they reacted very appropriately (although it was too late to do anything about it). I have to say that I am very disappointed in your parents and I wish I could just adopt you and let you go to school wherever you want! Oh, Lauren, I just want to give you a great big hug and make all of this go away.

As for practicalities, I think Tracey gave you good advice in terms of calling your dad's bluff; that is, if you yourself are prepared to make a statement to the police. Another idea (although this would really be a last resort) would be to just drop out of school for a few months or a year, work for a bit and save some money, live on your own. Or if you get the scholarships, would it be enough $$ for you to get your own place and still pay for school? Even if it takes you a little longer to graduate and you have to work p/t, it may be worth it for you. Since no one else is taking care of you, you need to take care of yourself. Do you have friends in town who have their own places that you could move into? This would be another option.

I think that getting the ball rolling for a transfer ASAP is a great idea. Maybe you could even arrange it for September. If your parents really make your life hell, then I guess you'd have to just move out--or decide if that hell is worse than the other school.

Is all of this b/c it's a Christian school? If so, that is just ridiculous--and I speak as a Christian! God loves you Lauren, and wants the best for you. The "Christian" thing to do is to protect your precious self.

No matter what happens, you will make it through and come out stronger. You have already shown such strength and courage for such a young woman; I have faith and confidence that you will be okay. I am sending you great big hugs and lots of support.

Love, Nicola

Edit: I told my husband about what you were going through, b/c I was so upset last night. He was furious on your behalf and said that it was disgusting. He was especially mad about the whole "Christian" (and I use the term loosely) thing. You are not alone! Lots of people are on your side.


Edited 8/16/2004 9:14 am ET ET by mumontherun

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Registered: 09-25-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 1:17am
Nicola,

No worries about not posting. Everyone is busy. I did sleep better last night, had a really weird dream, but it was unrelated. You know, one of the biggest things I have learned in life, even at 20, is not to rely on ANYONE ELSE for your own happiness. I was hurt and betrayed by friends in my past, not that I relied on them alone to make me happy, but because of that, I learned that I have to have a lot of independence and rely only on myself to “fix” things. If I have a problem, I can’t ask someone to fix it for me, I have to learn how to deal with it myself. Sadly, this made me almost to where I didn’t *need* anyone else in my life, only me, I was self-sufficient, but I’ve gotten over that through time. I learned that while I need to take care of me, I can’t be my own island, I also have to let others back in and share parts of my life with them if I feel so inclined, though, this time with a more cautious heart. Reminds me of the movie “About a Boy,” when he said, “no man is an island.”

I’m really scared that if I were to “take a break” from school to work some that I wouldn’t go back, and one part of me that I value a lot is my intelligence. I tell myself that I would finish, but since I want to do something in the medical field (translation: I’ll be in school for a while more, Med Sch, Masters, or PhD), I’d need to continue schooling and/or get back into it soon so that I’m not 56 when I finally start working! Of course, I’m exaggerating, I wouldn’t be 56, but I’m scared that I just wouldn’t get up the energy to go back or if I went back, my stamina wouldn’t be there to study so much and work as hard as I do.

For now, my bf just wants me to get out of my house; I just want to get out of the house. His plan is for me to try again transferring for the spring semester, move out and do school on my own. This whole situation aside, my parents are pretty controlling. I was talking to my bf’s mom today about children who are never allowed to make decisions for themselves, (ahem, me) and how bad that is. You tell a kid that the stove is hot and not to touch it, yet some just have to “test” what you say. You have to learn to make your own choices. Since I’ve never really had to make the big decisions in my life, I am scared right now about that. My bf said today, “we can fix this. You can leave, you just have to be willing to make the decision.” The whole thing just scares me.

I guess now I’m just in a stand-still. Basically, what I want to do is to just finish school there, suffer through it, and as my parents say, thank them later; the whole thing will make me stronger, and make me work harder to get out. Once I earn my diploma, hallelujah!, I’m out. I’ll get my own place, move in with someone, but I guess I won’t be able to do my own thing until then. It puts me in a weird situation, and it’s going to cause lots of problems, I am sure, but for now, that’s the only logical thing in my head. “Hey, if you think my school is so great, you can continue to pay for it, then I’LL LEAVE!” They really don’t even pay that much considering. I’m just scared to move out without anyone to move in with, and obviously, I’m scared to live alone, too.

Thanks for all of your help. I hope this made sense. I’m actually pretty tired right now, so I don’t know if things are coming out logically anymore. Let me know if you think this is ok, or if it’s just settling for what “they” want. Probably the latter over the former, but once I get what I/they want, then I’ll have my life to do whatever I want to with. Thanks for all of your advice. Ya’ll (I’m from the South) are really great, and I’ll continue posting if things come up or change.

-Lauren

Avatar for mumontherun
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 5:58pm
Well, I will tell you what I think, but I can't guarantee that it's actually good advice, lol! I wanted so much to leave home when I went to university. My home life was awful: my parents fought a lot, my mother never got over a nervous breakdown she had and was/is scattered and demanding, my father always put all of us down. It was really not a healthy environment. However, I live in Montreal and there are FOUR universities here --two English and two French. My parents saw no reason to pay for me to go to school elsewhere and live in residence when there was plenty of choice in my own hometown. I thought of moving out, but I didn't really want to live with anyone I didn't know, and all my friends still lived at home. The apartments that I could afford while working part-time were not nice and not in the best areas (Montreal is a safe city, but still...). I knew it would be a huge challenge to work and go to school, that it would take longer for me to graduate and that I would be living hand-to-mouth during that time. I was not eligible for any student loans b/c my parents' income was too high, and even if I moved out, I wasn't eligible till I finished at least one degree or was away from home for more than a year. So, I decided to bite the bullet and just stick around for as long as necessary. When I graduated my parents gave me a gift of backpacking in Europe for a couple of months (they aren't all bad, lol). For the year before that, I worked p/t and saved my money. When I came back, I moved out a month later. My mother told me I was like a rat leaving a sinking ship! Well, rats are pretty smart, I'd say. After that, I worked for a year as a receptionist, then went back to school for another Bachelor's, but this time was eliglible for loans and bursaries. I've been teaching now since '93, and did my M. Ed. part-time from '97 to 2000.

Now, I don't know if what I did was the best thing. Partly, I was motivated by fear (how will I do it on my own?), but I'm also a very practical person. Like you, I know I have to count on myself, and I figured that what was best for me at that time was just to live at home, but be out as much as possible. I think the key is to *choose* what you think is best. You bf is right: all you need to do is to choose. But choose carefully, think of all the options (as Tracey said). As long as *you* make the choice, I think you will feel happier b/c it will give you some control.

I hope this helps you decide what to do, but you are the one who will have to live with your decision: not me, not your boyfriend, not your parents...only YOU!

Love, Nicola

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Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:55am
Thanks for replying. I enjoy getting advice and help from you (and others), and in a way, it makes me feel better about it all.

I went to lunch with a friend of mine today, and we talked about this some. She is in a similar situation, and I know her family well and would never have guessed that we had this in common. Neither she nor I have ever had to make a tough decision without the aid of our parents, so doing something like this is just, in a word, SCARY. I thought about ME, and only me for once today, and came up with “a plan.” When I read your post, I was like, “yes, that is so much like what I want to do!”

I, personally, want to just stick it out and let them continue paying for undergrad. I am so burnt out on school right now that I’d like to work after I graduate, and then go to grad school in something I decide I want to do after working. That way, 1.) I won’t end up paying for some type of school then end up hating that field, 2.) it will be my decision, and 3.) I won’t be so exhausted like I am right now. While working on my degree, I’ll see a counselor, I’ll regain control of *my* life again, and work at my great job using part of each paycheck towards an apartment fund. I have some money built up, but it’s not enough to really live off of, so I’d need some more. I also am not eligible for student loans because of my parents’ income, unless I was completely on my own. For me, a little bit of it is fear, fear that they’d disown me, fear that I wouldn’t finish school, fear that it won’t work out with my bf (even though I don’t see why we won’t—we’ve been through SO MUCH already). It’s also a weird payback in a way. “You treat me bad, don’t let me decide anything, so I’ll get what I want (a paid education), and then I’ll leave you to start my life.” It will hurt me to be back at the other school, but maybe it will make me stronger in a way. It will give me some type of motivation to do something about it, incentive to get out of my house. I have learned also just what you said: the only person to make my decisions is ME. It’s my life, I have to choose what _I_ want to do with it. A problem is maybe going to be my bf, but I think if I explain to him that I’ll be home every weekend (my school is a “suitcase” school where everyone leaves on the weekends), that I’ll be able to see him just as much as I would if I went to school here, if not more. Plus, I can spend the nights as his house whereas if I were home, I’m definitely not allowed to do that. I remember the first time I spent the night over there, we weren’t even dating yet, it was great, even though we weren’t in the same room!, but now for the two of us, it sort of bonds us in a way I really can’t explain. Last semester, I was home every weekend, but at his house, and it was fabulous. My parents never knew because we live on opposite sides of town; I lied about what I did all the time.

Whether this is the best thing or not, that’s what I want to do. He wants me to move in with him after this fall semester, but I’m scared that I might not be able to do that just yet. After I graduate, though, I’d definitely be for moving in with him, despite the statistics of living together, but at least I can bring some money to the table for living expenses. I also would feel like I was doing it for me, and not that it was a charity type thing.

Nicola, thanks so much for everything. When I read what you wrote, I really thought, “oh my gosh, I had this same thought today! You lived what might be my future life!” (And you came out on top to boot!) Do you think this is reasonable and doable? I know my family won’t understand, but I have to move out eventually, and I already knew I’d move out as soon as I could. I’d like to start my own life *at some point* in my life. Do you think my bf will understand my fear of moving out so soon, but that I’m willing to after I somewhat take advantage of my parents? These questions still sort of run through my head, but I think I’ve really made it far. You have really been incredibly supportive and have been great to write to me on here.

Thanks so much again, and let me know what you think!

-Lauren

Avatar for mumontherun
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 12:29pm
I think that you finally sound like you are thinking of yourself--and I don't mean that in a bad way at all! Your parents might not be happy with you moving out right away, and your bf might not be happy with you *not* moving out right away, but they'll come around eventually. Actually, my dad ended up paying off my student loans for me when my grandmother passed away, so I ended up with no debt anyway. I really think that things work out for the best when you just do whatever it is that you feel you need to do. It sounds to me like you've thought things out very clearly, and really, a year and a half isn't such a long time at all.

Lots of good luck to you, and I'm so glad I could help; it really makes me feel good!

Nicola