I have to say...
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| Mon, 08-23-2004 - 8:52pm |
There, I said it. I'm going back to a dr. I want to go back on meds. I am finally starting to understand how my brain works (I think).
I've been drinking more recently. I don't drink as much as my friends or the concensus of the neighborhood that I live in, but I have my moments. After last night, I realized that I've been drinking lately because I'm depressed and anxious. I honestly believe that I'm not an alcoholic. It's a choice that I've been making. I actually set a goal to get drunk and I did. At least I accomplished something, right? I don't mean to diminish my behaviors, but I guess that a self-defense mechanism. I think it's a symptom to a larger issue.
I think I'm drinking more b/c I stopped going to therapy. I've been telling myself I'm fine, but work has been incredibly stressful for me since May. I had a brief legal battle at the same time which luckily worked out really really well for me although I didn't deserve it. There have been stressors that have been building and I'm starting to slip. Before I fall completely into the hole, I want to put a stop to it now.
The last time this happened to me, about 2 years ago, I took medication and to be honest, I was instantly better. Apparently I was lucky because it sometimes takes a couple of tries to find the right one. Then I started feeling back on track so I slowly stopped taking them. I'm not the best with taking pills daily, so I'd forget one day and it would be over, kind of like working out at the gym.
Then I heard today that one of my best friends from college, who lived with me for 6 weeks (during my hectic may), tried to kill herself a couple of weeks ago. WTF! I knew that she was different while she was living here, she was in NYC and holed herself in my home (when she promised me she was going to be so busy she was barely going to be there). We talked about both of our problems, but she promised me that when she got back from her trip, she was going to go back to the dr. She left her trip early, took some pills, realized that she messed up and went to the hospital. Thank GOD!
It just shook me to the core. I never thought she would do that. I can't believe she didn't call me. I want to go to where she lives (not near me) kick her in the bum and give her a hug. Now I think if she can slip, why couldn't I?
Maybe I'm overreacting, but I have to, I think. I'm waiting for tomorrow so I can call my insurance company to get a referral for a doctor in my network (my old therapist isn't in-network and too expensive for me). I guess I just needed to say something because all of my friends are out and about.
Thanks for listening (reading).

Good Job!
Keep posting.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-Cl Depression Support
It's distressing for me because I wasn't planning to be on meds after I stopped taking them in March, but things happen.
But for you, this self-awareness is the best thing. It shows your strength, and I hope you realize that.
Best,
Kendra