trigger - dealing w/son's gf preg

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
trigger - dealing w/son's gf preg
4
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:01am
Not doing well at all. First some background: 40; married 21 years; two boys - 14/17; strong Christian (Southern Baptist) faith; on meds for 8 years - currently Celexa 20mg (increased dosage two days ago on my own to 40mg)

What's happening:

1. DH works in family business that is having a lot of financial problems. Lots of stresses there for quite some time. Has been considereing quitting for a long time.

2. DH has chest pains and high bp - goes to dr and begins testing - not a heart attack but a warning. BP is high, some heart disease.

3. Same day #2 happen, that evening - FIL has heart attack and dies - DH is the one who finds him

4. Lots of bad stuff we found while cleaning out FIL's personal belongings.

5. During this DH makes the decision final to quit job, nothing in the background to have for income. DH does not handle the resignation properly, creates problems at home and at work for me. (I do support his decision 100% but not the way he handled it)

6. DH's grandmother is 89. FIL was taking care of her until he died. She doesn't need full time care but cannot be totally alone either. Sooo - DH, myself and SIL are rotating going to her house in the evenings and week-ends. It's not that far (17 miles each way) but it does add up to about 3 hours of time after work before I can go home. She is not adjusting well to being alone and we don't know what to do with school and kid's activities starting up now.

7. Here's the final straw that "broke the camel's back" - Saturday night our 17 yr old son tells us his girlfriend is pregnant! We are strongly encouraging adoption but it doesn't look like that's what they are going to choose. He is a senior in high school, football caption, basketball captain, college prospect in both, never really worked. She is 18, graduated last spring, never worked, doesn't drive, not going to college.

I am drowning right now. I was struggling with my depression before this week-end. I had to be the "strong one" during FIL's death and following for both SIL and DH. I was dealing with that pretty good for me, private melt downs adn such, but strong for the rest of them.

Since Saturday I haven't really been able to talk to anyone for very long. I have not really told anyone, though DS is telling most everyone at school and is somewhat excited. DH and I are devasted, hurt, disappointed.

Anyone else gone/going through the same thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:03pm
the first thing i have to say is to complement the way you are handling this- to be so organized with your thoughts and be able to know the exact things that are going on and look for help dealing with them is so healthy. i am impressed. you have so much going on right now, even someone with out a history of depression would be struggling. my mom has been getting doctor's reports about high bp and heart issues and she has always been the closest person to me so i know how hard that is. the good news is there is a lot that they can do to improve it - diet, exercise, try to manage stress (hardest one). i am sorry to hear about your fil, that is horrible. i am jewish, and we have a word "mitzvah"- it is basically doing something out of the kindness of your heart to help others with nothing in return and is a really good thing and shows what a great person you are. what you are doing is really a mitzvah with your dh's grandma. as hard as things are for her, and even if she can't express it, i am sure it means so much to her that you are helping her out. it is great of you to support your dh through a job change- i know i am having a lot of trouble finding a job that makes me happy/treats me well. it is so hard to change and amazing when someone supports me. finally, about your son- i had a friend who got pregnant her freshman year in high school- she was encouraged to give the baby up for adoption for obvious reasons. she was never the same, and i know hated that she had to make that decision. as hard as it would have been for her, if only she would have been a few years older and able to keep the baby, i know she would have been so much happier. in comparison, another friend got pregnant right after graduation and kept the baby. she struggled at first and they lived with her mom for a while, but now she works as a nurse and is a happy mom. i don't know what the decision is that they are looking at, but i am sure that they will know what decision they can live with best and make it. i am a college graduate with out a good job, and i know my boyfirend's parents look at that as a strike against me and that makes me sad. i have a lot to offer him and there is a lot more to my joblessness than it may appear. i am sure everything will work out in the end. good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 5:42pm
Wow I dont know if I can add to what Vogue girl just wrote but I will try...

First I think that it is great that you are supporting your hubby and I hope that he shows you the same support and I think it is great you are helping out his grandmother we do that in my family when both my grandparents got sick we took care of them same with my great Aunt we took care of her all three until they passed on so I know how hard it can be on you on everyone..

Okay now for the son I got pregnant but when I was 23 not married I was dating my sons father for less than a year when I found out I was having a aby we moved in together thought about marriagemy mom freaked out his parents freaked out they wanted me to get rid of the baby eather abortion or adoption neither were an option for me..I dont find eather a good thing for me for others yes for me at that moment were not right decisions for your son as with what Voguegirl said try to not push them in a certain direction let them know that it is a long tough road kids are so not easy you know that I know that they do not know that, give them info see if there are teen parents they can talk to that way they can get a beter understanding of how tough it is I was 23 when I had my son back in 1998 my ex has custody but it is still not easy..

I think that you are doing such a great job and handeling things so well I just hope that you have the same support system that you are giving..

Sending you hugs and keeping you in my prayers.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 7:52pm
Ouch! My sympathies.

Not exactly, but there were times when a whole bunch of bad stuff happened at once (though not quite as much).

One of my former co-workers got pregnant when she was in high school. She was a promising student (in honors classes). Her mother forced her to marry the father, who was about the same age. (I think they were 17 or 18). As a result, my former co-worker couldn't go to college. She and her husband had to live with her husband's parents. She couldn't go to college because her husband demanded that she go to work. So she did--in a bank. She was totally wild and crazy at work and hated going home. I was only there 6 weeks while I was training; after that, I was transferred to another branch, and later I heard she left. I don't know why, though. I think she could be an excellent make-up artist, hair stylist, or fashion designer. But because of her kid, she has to work in lower-level jobs. Her husband is somewhat irresponsible. And she never really had a chance to be a kid and have fun. It's really sad.

Regarding adoption: Ultimately, it's up to your son and his girlfriend. Sometimes it's good, and sometimes it's bad. One of my friends was adopted, and she and her brother (they are biological brother and sister) had a *lot* of emotional problems. I am two years younger than my friend, but when we were growing up, *I* was more emotionally mature. Then again, they went through the foster care system for several years before they were adopted. On the other hand, my neighbor (who is white) adopted two Korean boys. They seem well-adjusted and have been fairly successful.

One year, I lost two jobs. After that, I was unemployed for nearly a year. During the time I was unemployed, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, my aunt became seriously ill, and my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease! While my aunt was hospitalized, I tried to take care of my grandmother, but it was too overwhelming. When my dad recovered somewhat from his operation, he tried to take care of her too, but it was too much. My dad and aunt recovered, but my grandmother had to go into a nursing home; she was too sick for us to take care of her anymore. My aunt had been taking care of my grandmother for years in spite of her own ill health (heart condition); her illness was caused by caregiver burnout.

Last year, I started a new job, and the same week I started the new job, my dad went into the hospital for his 2nd operation in a year. When he came home, I had to take care of him for a time. The stress caused *big* depression and anxiety; I had to quit the job and go back to my old part time one, for which I have sometimes felt guilty. My dad has been recovering, but it's been slow; it's frustrating him, and his frustration gets to me. Now my dad is nagging me to get another full time job ASAP, and it's causing me a lot of stress. I know I need to, but I want to move carefully so I don't have more major depression/anxiety. My boyfriend and one of my close friends have been unemployed for over 2 years, and I feel bad that I can't help them. Due to his unemployment and my underemployment, my relationship with my boyfriend has stagnated, which is very frustrating. I feel bad that I can't help them. And to top it all off, my aunt has been hospitalized for the last month. She'll be getting out soon, but we're not sure how well she can manage on her own. My dad has given her advice, but she has refused a lot of it. I agree with him on a lot of it. When people refuse my dad's advice, he gets mad. I have had to listen to him complain about her every day. I sympathize, but I'm sensitive to other people's moods, and he sometimes triggers depression and/or anxiety in me.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 9:03am
first don't be upset with your son, things happen it must not be easy for him, as while I can understand it is not easy for you. Did you think of helping the couple or maybe taking care of the baby while she can work and find a job. It might be good for you to take care of a child.

2nd don't blame your son, it is a stupid thing to do but then as adults we are should teach kids about birth control so things like this don't happen.