Family of depression, what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Family of depression, what do I do?
2
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:15pm
Hello everyone. I'm new to this board, just don't know who to turn too, and I hope this doesn't get too long and boring for you all. But I really hope someone can help me. My ex and I split up about 2 years ago. Well, let me go further back. I've lived in CT all my life, but about 6-7 years ago, we moved to NC, it was suppose to be my husband's new job. I knew not a soul, and I'm not a social butterfly like my ex. That was about 7 years ago, his job transferred him to VA, still - I have no friend. And when I say, no friend, I mean, I have not one breathing person to talk to about this. So anyways, we split up now for 2 years, he's not around, he is now driving a truck (over-the-road)....our girls have not seen him for I'd say the entire summer. My 13 year old started hating him since 5 yers old. (Just for the record, I wanted out of the marriage) My 13 year old is depressed, in my opinion. She really won't talk to me, and when she does, she gets upset and walks away cause she says I don't understand. She is my biggest problem right now. I got her a "Big Sister" thinking that maybe she would open up to someone closer to her age...and my daughter was rude to her and pretty much told her to get lost. I put her into 3-4 different piano lessons that she wanted, no one was good enough for her, so she quit them. For years she has asked for contac lenses......I bought her a pair, (thinking it would help her self-esteem...she thinks she is ugly, which she is not AT all, she is very pretty) and now she doesn't want them....we're talking the very same day I bought them. I bought a house a year ago that I can't afford, (didn't realize it at the time) I thought I could leave something behind for my girls. We were living in an apartment building where we all did not like. It's a hugh yard (which I mow cause I can't afford anyone to do it) but you'd think the girls would feel like going outside? nope. My 13 year old stays in her bedroom all day, and my 10 year old lays on the sofa all day (gaining weight).....I can't do anything about it cause I work 40 hours a week or so. I sent my daughter to a doctor about her depression, that wouldn't help cause my daughter wouldn't even talk to her.....that went on for 3 months or so. She was put on zoloft....and I'm not really sure it worked. But she stopped taking them. She is no longer seeing a doctor. I have no family here (not that they would do any good)....but I have no one to talk to. I'm depressed myself, been a farily depressed person for a long time. but I think I know where my depression comes from, and the reasons I get depressed. Lack of money (I've always been dirt poor) I've always been the giver, and all my 3 husbands have been takers. My mother and sister are alcoholics. My father said at his death bed that he didn't think I was his child. My mother fools around with priests, my sister that is an alcoholic is a priest's child.....didn't know that till I was around 18 years old or something - for some reason I was the black sheep.....and I always thought I was a really nice person, polite, friendly, but shy...tried to be nice to everyone. Anyway...forget me....I just don't know what to do about my daugter. I dont' have a car. My boss is letting me use the company car, but while I'm at work I can't use it cause the delivery people use it, so I can't go home for lunch. Hard to make appointments for the girls.....I just feel so darn alone in this world. I really try to keep up my chin and be strong for the girls.....but I don't know how to handle my girls. My 10 year old is showing signs of depression too, but not as bad as my 13 year old. My 13 year old wrote a letter to my son (her half brother) that she might kill herself if she doesn't get into a band by the time she is 25 years old cause life won't be worth living. And she said that I'm an old folk. And said that she is "above" me....that she thinks of me and her sister as the "village pheasants" or something like that.

anyway......I'm ending here...I hope someone can give me a suggestion. There is not much I can take away from my daughter. All she does is listen to her music. Has no friends, doesn't go anywhere. So I can't ground her. Both my girls have extremely high IQ's....they are too smart for their own good.

help....pleasee
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 9:09am
First, welcome to the board. I hope it helps you to know that many of us see families like yours. My grandmotherself medicated her depression with alcohol and it killed her heart, literally. You are smart to seek information. There is a lot of family counseling and counseling through schools. I would look into that. It is not normal to be a teen and be suicidal. Some folks think that it is. I am soooo not surprised that you say that they are very smart. I wonder about that connection, intellect and depression. Maybe the smart folks "hard drives" just work too hard???

Sorry to cut this short. But I wanted you to know that many here share this common experience of seeing trends in their family. I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

I know for me, I have been depressed on and off for a very long time. I am 34. I can't tell you how much it helped me to know how much my parents loved me. You can't love the depression out of them, but you can make them have something to hold onto when they are really down. It is such a gift the love of parents....give that gift as much as you can.

Welcome again.

Great topic.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 2:20pm
Being new myself to this board it easy to understand your need for

and to get help for your daughters. When a family is caught in

a cycle of depression as you have described the consequences are

not easy to consider. If you don't take steps to break this cycle

your daughters' futures could be severely hampered. How do I know?

Depression and mental illness have been troubling my family from

my Great Grandmother(maternal) to my 'Grampa' (paternal). No one

ever thought to break that cycle and the results? 'Children' who

suffer from every disorder you can imagine even schizophrenia.

It is perhaps too late for me but I did what was necessary for

my son to have a positive future. It was not easy. I relinquished

custody to his father who is mentally stable. In no way am I

suggesting you do this.

Your children are at the age where they will be resistant

to authority but they are under age. Please consider this?

Take some drastic measures to get the help they need even

if you must use the legal system. Beautiful young girls

such as you described deserve to have a 'normal' future.

Being a psychiatric patient temporily is okay. They are young.

At my age (45) it has become permanent. Please don't let

your daughters share my fate or yourself for that matter. Get

the help you and they need.

Sorry to sound so blunt. I just care very much about kids.