life and birthday

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
life and birthday
19
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:27pm
Hello everyone! sorry. I am thinking of ending it all on my birthday! Which happens to fall on bette midler's birthday! and i would have lived for a quarter of a century.

I am depressed. I have been hurt most of my life! And i cannot take it anymore! I have no friends, no boyfriend, no supportive parents and siblings. And also no relatives.

Suffered from bullies throughout my schooling years, suffered from abuse from my father, and my grandfather whom is dead for two years already lived in my house for a while before he died and he is not a gentlemen and tried to hurt me.

Classmates tried to assault me sexually.

Teachers are not helping either. I would not be bullied if they had stood up for me. Was hurt in the face and everyone saw it and my spectacles is spoiled and no one helps me.

Both are Discipline master and they bullied me too! One is a racist and the other is helping the gangsters.

I am also hurt by these three men last year.

A taxi driver too...and also other people touched me.

And also this close friend(i considered him a close friend), but he does not treat me as a friend. He promised to treat me as a younger sister and will take care of me by bringing me to the doctor whenever i am sick. And since saturday on 28 august,I am having diarrhoea,headache,and also nausea. But i have these symptoms in front of him and he left me alone. And i keep telling him that I am sick and that i have resting in bed for the past two days. He did not care!

He knows that i have no one to care for me...and that i am crying while i am typing this.

Not even my relatives...there is this cousin...a girl from well-to-do family who did a psychologist degree at Canada. and she despised me coz i have depression. She does not want to be associated with my family...all my relatives does not want to be associated with my family...My cousin told my father..."why should i be a psychologist and listen to other people's problem?" Then why in the world does she take that degree? I am just sad.

Thanks for listening(reading). I am grateful!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:43pm
Please if you feel you will hurt yourself call a hot line. I know you are hurting, I have been in that dark place, but you need to get more help if you are feeling this desperate.

I at the ancient age of 34 can now tell you that 25 is not that old. Funny, I used to think of it as old, but in the grand scheme of things it is not that old. NOt that I am ancient, but I feel like a fossil.

I am not feeling too well, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. You are not the only one who has been through this, I hope that makes you feel less alone. We are soooo here for you. We have been in this boat, lets grab a paddle and row together.


Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 10:57pm
Hey...Thanks. Lisa. I am grateful for your concern. I want to get well too...! I want to be a great person too...to contribute to society...but it is tough for me.

It is really tough for me! it is really tough for me...and my tears...my tears covered my eyes..i could not see properly...Its just that I have tried hard...tried very hard to make everything in my life positive again. I have called the hotline...and most of the time, I cannot get through...

But when i get through, I am grateful to the person who talks to me. But everything in my life, happiness is temporarily for me. And sadness is so long for me. It seems like i have never been happy. Actually i have been happy. Like going to a movie with friends...but i don't have any true friends, who share things with me and I am upset coz they have been making use of me. There have been lots of example about how friends made use of me...

It's just tough for me!

I hope I can go on. I hope to. But it is so tough for me. I cried every night. I am sad every night. Tears flows from my eyes and i have no control over it...even right now.That friend,the only friend i have, although has betrayed me , has disappointed me more than a dozen times, I befriended him again and again. Why am i so naive? I trusted him.

Guys, People. They are bad. Not even my cousin. I am an outcast. People whom i called friends, always made use of me...WHAT AM I TO DO? What should i do? Thanks for the paddle and the boat. I just could not hop on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 8:34am
((((Katheryn))))) Just keep talking to us. I know it is hard. I use a technique I call "purposeful distraction" It is a way to escaping without hurting yourself.

I read Harry Potter. Don't laugh, it is true. Harry Potter saved my life.

I am being honest. Harry Potter saved my life. Sounds goofy but it is true. I found those books to be a safe escape. A place to find friends who showed me how loyalty and friendship can get you through tough times. A place to know that sometimes I stand side by side my friends and sometimes I can stand alone. An unreal world to go to when the real one hurts.

This is simple and somewhat weird advice. We are now your friends....you are not alone anymore.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:03am
i too had a horrible time in school with abuse by a principal and some teachers being pretty bad (and one very inappropriate) on top of an abusive dad at home. it WAS horrible, but now it is over. i am out of school and it can never happen again. i am often a magnet for abusive people, but i realized it isn't me. i know that if you are telling us this then you are asking for help. please keep asking- call the suicide hotline, call a psychologist or someone you know. there may be a lot of things in life that hurt, but there is the possibility for a lot of amazing things too. think of things you would like to do. life is precious and short and you only get one. at the end of it, you don't get another chance. make the best of it, take control yourself. you'll be ok. keep fighting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 1:31pm
Thanks a lot! I am taking small baby steps to make my life better. To make myself better.

And i have to thank my guy friend, the friend whom i have befriended again and again after he had betrayed me more than once. He brought me to the doctor in the morning and then he went to work.

And during evening time, i went shopping. I have grown fatter by the day since 2002. And all the clothes i used to wear cannot be worn...Now i can only wear a few clothes i bought since i have gained weight. And nowadays...a lot of girls are wearing those short denim skirts or sweet skirts...i hope to wear them too. And i just now, i bought a denim mini skirt. But my leg is a bit ugly, cellulite, and stretchmark ...i just bought it. And i know i am not wearing it. Coz i am stupid. A girl went shopping with me, not a close friend, i went shoping with her with the intention to help her pick out clothes. But in the end, she coerced me to buy that skirt. And i am not wearing it. Coz my legs are really ugly.

She is a sweet girl , i think it because of her sweetness and her empowering words that made me buy that skirt. Coz i never had any friends or family who says that its ok to wear anything according to my wish...

Even when i am thin, people would always says i am fat. Now that i am fat, their words are even harsher. AND now, I just want to help myself. Help myself to walk this road smoothly.

Oh...yes...I trust this guy whom was my classmate and he suggested to go down to Bangkok where he is working now to take a vacation, take a break.

I don't know if i should trust him...coz i always ended up hurt whenever i trust someone.

I just hope that the guy who brought me to the doctor yesterday morning would talk to me now. I am really confused. I need help. I also thought this guy can help me. But his help is limited but i am very grateful. I just hope someone can help me. Help me get my life back. Help me , talk to me. I am really tired. Very tired.

If that incident didn't happen...,my life now would not be in this state now. So many hurt, so many hurt, so many hurt.

I only wish to watch a moive. I hope to watch "Princess Diaries 2". I can't.

Harry potter is my favourite too. But I only watch the movie. I did not read the books.

I also escaped into the world of friendship and loyalty in Harry Potter. And I hope to find it in my life!

Thank you , lisa, thank you, voguegirl15. Thanks for listening.(reading)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:55pm
Katheryn2531, I've been hurt most of my life too. I started having depression when I was 8 years old. I was bullied in school for 6 years and my mom died of cancer the day before my 11th birthday. And I've had a lot of problems with working.

Trust me, 25 is not old, though it may seem that way to you because depression has a way of slowing time to a crawl.

It seems to me that you really need to talk to a therapist. You've been hurt by a lot of people. After my mom died, I often had no one to talk to (my surviving relatives were too grief-stricken), so I would confide in my dog. Also, the neighbor's cat would visit me, and I'd talk to the cat, too. That helped me hang on until I could get help (and I didn't get it until I was 15). Animals can be therapeutic. I also found Star Trek to be therapeutic.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 1:44pm
Hello, saturn. I understand. That 25 is not old. But I feel that i have enough.

Enough of bullies, enough of this and that.

I used to have a psychiatrist...but she left, and i have been seeing different doctors and everytime these new doctors always have other kind of diagonsis...and prescribes different kind of medicine for me. I feel that these doctors did not put my welfare in the first place...rather put theirs first. Always come up with a new illness about me. But i know i am depressed.

And i have no financial means to get a therapist.

I am helpless.

Thank you for listening.(reading)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:22pm

((((((((((((((((katheryn2531))))))))))))))


I know how hard it is when you can't seem to afford a therapist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 1:54pm
I would go and look for a therapist first thing in the morning. From other postings, may i ask what is Coginitive Behavioural Therapy? I don't know if there is any therapist who are able to help me in this area...

I am quite upset right now. I have not been eating and drinking except i have drinking an energy drink(I don't know if it is in the states) known as Milo. I have not been eating well since july this year.

And I have been telling this friend of mine...which is the one whom i have befriended time and time again after he betrayed me and whom brought me to consult a doctor on tuesday. And he just listened. I am seeking help from him and i hope someone would help me to get me to a psychiatrist ...a doctor who is caring.

I have nobody here.

Thanks for listening. (reading)

Thanks a lot!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 8:48pm

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