he loves me, he loves me not...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
he loves me, he loves me not...
1
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:36pm
i love me, i love me not is probably the continuation of that.

i know this is long, but even if you need to skim it, it would mean a lot to hear some feedback and hugs....

everything in my life has been so up in the air since i lost my job a year ago. i don't know what i want to do with my life, and i don't want to fall into something that i hate and miss out on this time where i can figure it out- so i have been living on paychecks that don't even pay the whole rent- and supplementing the rent (and my health insurance) with my generous mother's help. she is and always has been my support, my biggest fan, but i know she doesn't want to give me any more money- and i don't want to take any more- and i want to support myself. with me, i have always had to support my own mental and physical health first and other regular things- like school, jobs get neglected. i guess i am proud of myself for making it on my own- there was a time i was scared to be more than a few minutes away from my mom! anyways, i diverge- the boutique i have been working at closed with only a few days notice to me, and i had gotten another job (so 2 part time jobs) so i am ok, but it was hard and it threw me into joblessness again (not that i was making that much- actually i am making about the same at this new one)- but the new one is hostessing and the people are rich snobby and/or demanding, and it is hard to be on my feet for so long pleasing everyone and still getting sad paychecks. i got a really great modeling job- and will be getting a great check- but the nature of that is it doesn't come right away. anyways, my point is, i am trying to figure out how to support myself and i need support from others in full force. i know it is "wrong" but my glue was my boyfriend. we were so happy together- you guys know i was moving in in less than 2 months and i was so excited to have a future with the man that i love and habe able to share my life with him. little things like coming home from work and eating dinner together or him going with me to my parents house at the end of the month for an important family thing and going to his parents' house for thanksgiving.

well,

that all ended a week ago tonight when he told me that he wasn't ready to move in with me. after all fo the running he has done so far, i had told him no more. he is scared of relationships and has gone further with me than anyone. he started coming up with stupid excuses and in the end was saying he isn't ready- well, he's 35 years old. we have known each other for a year and a half. it hit me that he may never do this- he may break my heart even more later and now i am scared- and hurt. it meant a lot more than moving in- it meant he loved me and nothing else mattered. it seemed so natural, and now nothing seems right.

i tried to break up with him, but could barely move my heart hurt so bad and i didn't feel in my heart that it was the right thing to do. after seeing how much he hurt me and all of his own emotions, he spiraled downward and after hours of crying that day and the next (including when i left and he thought we were done forever and i heard him sobbingwhen he closed the door). i don't know what is going on, we got back together- sort of- and we have doen a combination of fighting (and we never fought-ever), upsetting each other and never resolving anything, and then having things like they were back to normal last night. then today when he walked me home, i asked about dinner with his parents toight that he had told me about multiple times this week, and he said he didn't want me to come- he wanted time alone. i feel like all he can do anymore is make me feel broken hearted and unwanted. how can he tell me he loves me so much- more than anyone ever and not awant to hold me close and be with me forever? i don't know what to do about anything, my lease will be up and i don't know where to go, what to do. i feel like i lost my best friend- which i may havce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 11:03pm
~hang in there sweetie, I have been there (not exactly as two situations are ever exactly alike) and I lived through it. Kinda barely, b/c I had no appetite and was waiting endlessly at home hoping he would come back and see me or collect some of his stuff. You can make it through this, I don't know if you two will work out or not, but I do know they never come back when we're pining for it. You have to stay busy, take this time to plan YOUR next move, where you will be living, get out and hang with friends. I know it's hard, but I made the mistake of always calling him, being there if he even looked at me, and feeling like I had my heart ripped out and there was this big hole left in me. And of course, he wanted me back when I was finally moving on with my life and being happy. The secret here is, even if I had taken him back (again, and let me just say I never thought that would be me, I mean, even after he filed for the divorce AND after it was finalized I was still loving him and wanting him back) we would have had the same issues. They don't go away, and if he shows no inclination to moving forward into the future where you hope to be someday, then you will always be pulling and him pulling away. I don't know if any of this made any sense, but just wanted you to know I read your post and can truly sympathize. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

*hugs* Kim