connecting

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
connecting
1
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 10:35pm
I have a question for you, something that seems really important for those of us who are susceptible to depression.

If you find yourself at a point in your life where you're really alone - few or no real friends, no family or only an emotionally distant, unsupportive, or dysfunctional family, no partner, no boyfriend -- when you're in a position like that in the world, is it possible to take deliberate steps to *build* a close community of friends and (surrogate) family?

How do you get from a socially barren life to a life full of warm, trustworthy people in it? I so envy people who have big, happy families. They have no idea what an advantage they have in life. What they have seems completely out of my reach.

These message boards are loaded with wonderful people, of course - but in this case I mean a circle of friends in the "bricks and mortar" world.

Sometimes I fantasize about having a group of friends who get together once a week at each other's homes to make dinner, listen to music, watch movies, converse. And it would be so great to have one or two friends who call me a couple of times a week just to chat - good, close friends. And a partner, yeah, I wish I had a partner in life, someone I could count on - but I gave up on dating a couple of years ago. I live in a big city where the ratio of men to women is something like 80 to 100. There are just too many men here who are only interested in sexual conquests, who will gladly do what it takes to convince you otherwise if it helps them achieve their own agenda.

Does anyone have any specific suggestions for ways to connect with people? Joining the local food co-op is one thing I would add to the list. I'm curious - have you made any successful efforts at community building? Have you had to deal with social isolation? I doubt I'm the only one having a hard time with this. I'm a woman in her thirties, who isn't married, and over time friends have moved away, gotten married, started families, and generally just don't have any time for me for whatever reason. I'm not interested in having children, so I feel a real need to find other kinds of "family".

What's your view?

I so so so hope to start taking steps to change my situation before the Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Years season starts, which is when I feel super low. It's the loneliest time of the year, and each year it gets harder to endure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: martha123456
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 3:53pm
Hi Martha, you've done a great job of expessing what a lot of us here feel. I wish I had some easy answers. I've had times in my life when I've had that warm circle of friends, but inevitably people move, have families of their own, etc; and those friendships just seem to melt away. I feel lucky to have my husband, my sister (who lives 40 miles away, but we still get together fairly often) and a few close work friends--although we seldom do things outside of work, at least I have that feeling of involvement and camradarie in their lives on the job. But I don't have children, so no built-in close relationships there. I think your idea of the food co-op is great, and any other interests that might involve you in special-interest groups (do you have pets?). From my perspective, you're still realtively young (I'm 50 :), and I'm glad you have the desire and energy to go out and make new connections. It gets harder as you get older! Good luck, and keep us posted--Kassie