whats wrong w me? I can't go on anymore
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:46am |
For the last 9 months I have been involved with the best man of my life. I SHOULD be really happy. He wants to get married and have kids and he treats me incredibly well. I have screwed it up for the last four months with severe mood swings and changes, it's like I have a demon living in my body who wants to break up with him. I can't beleive he is still here with me through all this. For 2 weeks I will be very happy with him and feel in love with him, for the next 2 weeks I will wonder what I ever saw in him, he will make me claustrophobic, I will regret the plans we made, I will cancel plans we made, (I have already cancelled a wedding that we planned -a bit too quickly i might add, and I have changed my mind about living with him,) The last straw for me happenned last week when his family questioned him about my true motives. Very embarrassing for me, but I certainly don't blame them.
I can't figure out what is wrong and I am worried I will lose him and I don't understand my feelings for him and why they change so drastically. I love him and he's the most stable person in my world. I have never felt this secure or loved by a man before. This is a feeling I wanted to have in a relationship as long as I can remember but I always seemed to fall for guys who coudln't provide me with that. Sometimes I think my problem is that he is not a "bad boy" and so I feel I dont' deserve him, other times I worry that he wants kids and I'm not sure that I do. I don't have much of a maternal instinct but sometimes the thought of having a child with him really excites me. I just don't know what I want. The rush of my biological clock doesn't help things.
At this point I think I would be a terrible mother with all these ups and downs. Sometimes I get so depressed about it all that I wish I would get a disease or get into an accident. I am so confused and I feel I don't know myself anymore. I probably should go on anti-depressants but I'm worried because if I do get pregnant I don't want the baby to be harmed, I also for selfish reasons don't want to lose my sex drive. I'm so afraid of getting older, and I'm unhappy in my job and I'm scared I'll be a bad mother and I'm just so afraid of not being good enough. I'v treated this man so badly I don't feel good about myself anymore. I try to make it up to him every time I come out of these swings. They tend to last a week or two, and then I am really lovey dovey and we get along great and we start trying to make plans for our future. I screw it up everytime.

Maureen/Mo
If this was a real life it would have come with instructions.
Try not to forget that you do have that sweetie. I am very, very, very, very single.
Get to know some of the folks here and post to people, it helps. This is a verys caring place. You are right to want to talk to people. We all know these feelings. It is hard to feel depressed when other stuff is going right, or so society would have you think. It is not always the case. You are allowed to feel whatever you want.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)